Blog

You know that feeling when you’re stressed about something in your relationship and you initiate sex, hoping that if everything goes well physically, it’ll prove that everything’s actually okay between you two? Or maybe you’re the spouse who notices that whenever your husband gets anxious about work, worried about money, or feeling disconnected, he suddenly wants sex more frequently – not because he’s feeling particularly connected or turned on, but because he seems to need reassurance?

What’s happening here is that sex has become a buffer. It’s being used like a pacifier for adults – something to soothe anxiety, regulate difficult emotions, or self-soothe when we’re feeling uncertain. And while this might seem harmless on the surface, it creates some serious problems in your sexual relationship and in your marriage overall.

The Reassurance Trap

Let me give you an example of what this looks like in real life. Colin came to coaching because he and his wife Meredith were stuck in a cycle he couldn’t quite name. Every time they had a disagreement – even small ones about scheduling or finances – he’d find himself wanting sex that night. Not because he felt particular desire for his wife in those moments, but because he felt anxious. The tension from the disagreement left him feeling uncertain about the state of their relationship, and sex felt like the antidote. If they could have sex and it went well, then surely everything was fine between them, right?

The problem was that Meredith could feel it. She’d describe it as “duty sex on his end” – he was going through the motions, but she could tell his mind was somewhere else. He wasn’t really present with her. He was using the physical act as a way to calm his own nervous system, to reassure himself that their marriage was solid. Sex had become his emotional Xanax.

This is incredibly common. We use sex to tell ourselves a story: “If we’re having sex, then we’re okay.” “If she says yes, then she’s not really mad at me.” “If he initiates, then he still finds me attractive.” “If we have sex, then they actually love me.” We’re not actually connecting with our spouse – we’re using the act of sex to manage our own internal anxiety about the relationship.

Why We Turn Sex Into a Buffer

So why do we do this? Why does sex become this go-to coping mechanism? There are several reasons, and understanding them helps us recognize the pattern in ourselves. First, it’s quick and it’s accessible. When you’re married, your spouse is right there. You don’t have to leave the house, make an appointment, or wait for business hours. Your anxiety spikes, and your spouse is in bed next to you.

Second, it works – temporarily. Sex does release oxytocin and dopamine. It does create a temporary sense of connection and relief. So your brain learns: “Feeling anxious? Have sex. Feeling disconnected? Have sex. Worried about your marriage? Have sex.” It becomes your go-to solution for emotional regulation.

Brett realized this about himself when he tracked his initiation patterns for a month in coaching. Every single time he initiated sex was within 24 hours of a stressful work situation or after his wife Jenna had been especially busy with the kids and he’d felt ignored. He wasn’t initiating from desire or attraction – he was initiating from anxiety. He was using sex to regulate his emotions and reassure himself that he still mattered to his wife.

And here’s something important – when the spouse isn’t available for this buffering, many people turn to porn for the exact same reason. It’s not actually about sexual desire or even physical release. It’s about using sexual stimulation to calm anxiety, to self-soothe, to escape uncomfortable emotions. Someone comes home stressed from work, their wife is busy with the kids or already asleep, and they pull up porn – not because they’re turned on, but because they’re anxious and they’ve learned that sexual stimulation temporarily makes that anxiety go away.

The third reason we do this is because we genuinely don’t know what else to do with our anxiety. Most of us weren’t taught healthy emotional regulation skills. We weren’t given tools for sitting with uncertainty or discomfort. So when anxiety shows up, we reach for whatever buffer we can find – food, sugar, shopping, Netflix binging, social media scrolling, porn, or sex. Sex just happens to be one that society views as healthy in marriage, so we don’t question it as much.

The Problem With Using Your Spouse as Your Emotional Pacifier

Now, you might be thinking, “Okay, but what’s so bad about that? At least we’re connecting, right?” But here’s where it gets problematic, and this is really important to understand. The most obvious problem is that it turns your spouse into an object. You’re using their body to regulate your own emotions. You’re not actually connecting with them as a person – you’re using them as a tool. And no matter how subtle this is, your spouse can feel it.

Olivia described it perfectly in a coaching session: “I can tell the difference between when my husband Ryan wants me versus when he wants what I can do for his anxiety. When he wants me, there’s this presence – he’s looking at me, noticing me, responding to me. But when he’s using sex as a buffer, it’s like I’m interchangeable. He could be with anyone. He’s just going through the motions to get to the relief on the other side.”

This creates a profound disconnection, even while you’re physically connected. Your spouse ends up feeling used, even if they can’t quite articulate why. The sex might be technically fine – you might even both orgasm – but it leaves you both feeling empty afterward because there was no actual intimacy. You were having sex at each other, not with each other.

The second major problem is that it prevents you from developing actual emotional regulation skills. Every time you use sex as a buffer – whether with your spouse or through porn – you’re avoiding the real work of learning to sit with your anxiety, identify what’s actually triggering it, and address it directly. You’re choosing the quick fix over the long-term solution.

Derek had been using sex this way for his entire 15-year marriage. Whenever he felt anxious, uncertain, or disconnected from his wife Natasha, he’d initiate sex. Sometimes she’d say yes out of obligation, sometimes she’d say no and he’d feel even more anxious. When she wasn’t available, he’d turn to porn. But he’d never actually dealt with his underlying anxiety. He’d never learned that he could feel anxious and survive it without needing sexual stimulation to make it go away. He’d never developed the capacity to self-soothe in healthy ways.

The third problem – and this is a big one – is that it makes your sex life dependent on your anxiety levels rather than your desire levels. You end up having more sex when you’re stressed and less sex when you’re actually feeling good and connected. Your sexual relationship becomes reactive rather than proactive. Instead of choosing to have sex because you want to connect with your spouse, you’re having sex because you’re trying to escape your own discomfort.

Recognizing the Pattern

So the question becomes: how do you know if you’re using sex as a buffer? Because sometimes the line can feel blurry, right? Start by getting curious about your initiation patterns. When do you most want sex? Is it after arguments? During stressful work periods? When you’re feeling insecure? When your spouse has been particularly distant or busy?

Pay attention to what’s happening in your body when you want sex. Are you feeling genuine desire and attraction toward your spouse? Or are you feeling anxiety that you’re hoping sex will relieve? There’s a difference between “I want to connect with you” and “I need you to make this uncomfortable feeling go away.”

Also notice when you’re turning to porn. Is it when you’re genuinely turned on and wanting sexual pleasure? Or is it when you’re stressed, anxious, bored, or feeling disconnected? Are you using it as a way to escape uncomfortable feelings rather than as an actual expression of sexuality?

Notice what happens in your mind during sex when you’re using it as a buffer. Are you present with your spouse? Or are you monitoring – checking to make sure they’re responding the right way, watching for reassurance that everything’s okay, mentally tallying whether this “counts” as proof that your relationship is solid?

One client told me she realized she was doing this when she noticed that during sex, she was already thinking about the next time – already planning when she’d need the next “dose” to manage her anxiety. She wasn’t actually experiencing the moment with her husband because she was using the experience as anxiety medication.

Building Real Emotional Regulation Skills

Once you recognize this pattern, what do you do about it? The alternative to using sex as a buffer is learning to actually regulate your own emotions. This doesn’t mean you never have sex when you’re anxious – it means you’re not using sex as your primary coping mechanism for anxiety.

Emotional regulation starts with awareness. When anxiety shows up, can you pause long enough to name it? “I’m feeling anxious right now. I’m worried that my wife is mad at me. I’m scared this argument means our marriage is in trouble.” Just naming what you’re actually feeling takes some of the power away from it.

The next step is learning to tolerate the discomfort without immediately reaching for a buffer. This is hard. Your brain wants the quick fix. But what if you could sit with “I don’t know if everything is okay right now” without needing immediate reassurance through sex? What if you could tolerate the uncertainty of “My spouse is upset with me and I can’t fix it right this second”?

This doesn’t mean you ignore the anxiety or pretend it’s not there. It means you develop other tools for managing it. Deep breathing actually works – it activates your parasympathetic nervous system and tells your body it’s safe. Going for a walk gives your body something to do with the anxious energy. Journaling helps you process what you’re actually worried about instead of just feeling the anxiety in your body.

You also need to learn to separate “I’m anxious about my relationship” from “There’s actually a problem in my relationship.” Anxiety doesn’t equal truth. Just because you feel worried doesn’t mean something is wrong. Learning to recognize anxiety as just a feeling – not a fact – is crucial.

When you do want to address relationship concerns, use words instead of sex. If you’re worried that your wife is upset with you, ask her. If you’re feeling disconnected from your husband, tell him. If you’re concerned about the state of your marriage, have an actual conversation about it. Don’t try to answer these questions through sex. Sex can’t tell you if your relationship is okay – communication can.

Creating a Different Sexual Dynamic

And this brings us to what becomes possible when you stop using sex as a buffer. Once you stop using sex as a buffer, you have to rebuild what sex is actually for in your marriage. This is where it gets really good. When sex isn’t your anxiety medication, it gets to be about desire, attraction, connection, and pleasure.

You get to approach sex from “I want you” instead of “I need you to fix my uncomfortable feelings.” Your spouse gets to feel wanted rather than used. The pressure comes off both of you because sex isn’t carrying the weight of proving anything about your relationship.

One couple I worked with described the shift like this: Before, sex felt heavy. It was loaded with all this unspoken anxiety and the need for reassurance. After they both learned to regulate their own emotions and stopped using sex as a buffer, sex became playful again. Lighter. It was something they chose because they wanted each other, not something they needed to calm their nervous systems.

This also means you might have less sex during certain seasons, and that’s okay. When you’re not having sex every time one of you feels anxious, your frequency might drop initially. But the quality dramatically improves. You’re having sex when you actually want to, not when you’re trying to escape your feelings.

The Role of Individual Work

Now, most of the time, using sex as a buffer points to a need for individual work on emotional regulation. This isn’t necessarily about your marriage being broken – it’s about you needing to develop skills you may never have learned.

Coaching can be incredibly valuable here because it helps you identify your specific patterns. Everyone uses sex as a buffer slightly differently. Some people initiate more when they’re anxious. Some people need their spouse to initiate as proof of being wanted. Some people use sex to avoid difficult conversations. Some people use it to reassure themselves after any kind of conflict. Some people turn to porn when their spouse isn’t available for the same buffering purposes.

In coaching, we can look at your unique patterns – when you most want sex, what you’re actually feeling in those moments, what you’re hoping sex will accomplish, and what you actually need instead. We can develop a personalized plan for emotional regulation that doesn’t involve using your spouse’s body or turning to porn as an escape.

We can also address the underlying anxiety itself. Why are you so anxious about your relationship? What are you actually afraid of? Often, the anxiety about the relationship is covering deeper fears – fear of abandonment, fear of not being enough, fear of losing control. When we address those core fears directly, the compulsive need to use sex for reassurance diminishes.

Coaching also gives you accountability as you practice new skills. Learning to sit with anxiety without buffering is hard. Your brain will scream at you to just have sex and make the uncomfortable feeling go away. Having someone walking alongside you, reminding you why you’re doing this hard work and celebrating your progress, makes all the difference.

The Freedom on the Other Side

So what’s on the other side of all this work? When you stop using sex as emotional regulation, something amazing happens – you become a more emotionally mature person. You develop the capacity to feel difficult emotions without needing someone else to rescue you from them. You become more secure in yourself and in your relationships.

Your marriage also improves because your spouse is no longer responsible for managing your emotions. They get to be your partner, not your therapist or your pacifier. The pressure comes off them, and they can show up more authentically because they’re not constantly being used as a tool.

And your sex life? It becomes about actual desire and connection. It becomes something you get to choose rather than something you feel compelled to do. It becomes lighter, more playful, more present. You get to actually experience pleasure and connection rather than just using sex to check a box or calm your nerves.

Learning to regulate your own emotions is one of the most generous things you can do for your marriage. It’s not easy work, but it’s worth it. Your spouse deserves to be wanted, not needed. And you deserve to experience sex as connection rather than just anxiety management.

Alright my friends, that’s all I have for you today. Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. I’ll see you next week…ba-bye.