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I came across an Instagram post from mental.aspect recently, and I really liked its message. It outlined six stages of marriage, and the caption said most couples give up at stage three. As I read through it, I thought about all the couples I’ve worked with over the years, and I realized how accurate this framework is. But more importantly, I realized how many people don’t even know these stages exist, let alone how to move through them.

So let’s talk about these six stages, why they matter, and most critically—what you can do to keep moving forward instead of getting stuck.

The Six Stages

Stage one is what they call the fantasy stage. You’re picturing this perfect life together. Everything feels magical, effortless, exciting. Reality hasn’t really arrived yet. This is the honeymoon phase where you’re both on your best behavior, and you genuinely believe you’ve found the one person who just gets you in a way no one else ever has.

I had a client—let’s call her Rachel—who told me she and her husband Greg spent their entire engagement talking about how they’d never fight like other couples because they communicated so well. They’d have these long conversations where they’d finish each other’s sentences, and they just knew they were different. Six months into marriage, she called me in tears because they’d had their first real fight, and she was convinced they’d made a mistake.

That’s stage two—the reality check. The masks come off. You start noticing flaws, habits, wounds. You see how he shuts down when he’s stressed instead of talking. You realize she’s actually really messy, not just “charmingly scattered.” The question that shows up is: can I truly love them as they are?

This is where the actual work of marriage begins, but most people don’t realize that. They think something’s wrong because it’s not effortless anymore.

Then comes stage three—the frustration stage. This is where mental.aspect says most couples give up, and I see this constantly. This is the “this isn’t what I signed up for” phase. Arguments sting deeper. Doubts creep in. You wonder if you chose the wrong person.

Most people hit this stage at some point. It’s actually pretty normal to question whether you married the right person. That doesn’t mean something’s fundamentally wrong with your marriage—it means you’re in stage three.

The problem at stage three is that it feels like failure. You look around at other couples who seem happy, and you assume they skipped this stage somehow. You don’t realize that everyone goes through this—everyone who stays married long enough, anyway. But because you think you’re uniquely dysfunctional, you start believing the marriage might be unfixable.

Why Most Couples Give Up at Stage Three

Let me tell you exactly why stage three is where people call it quits. It’s because this is the stage where your partner stops being who you need them to be and starts being who they actually are. And if you haven’t learned how to love someone as they actually are—rather than as you need them to be—this feels devastating.

But marriage is a skill. It’s not something most people are just naturally good at. A few people grew up in families where healthy relationships were modeled, where they learned emotional regulation and clean communication before they ever got married. But most of us didn’t have that. We didn’t learn these skills in school or at church. We’re figuring this out as we go. And stage three is exactly where you realize you don’t have the skills you need yet—that’s what makes the difference between couples who give up and couples who break through to stage four.

This is exactly what coaching is for. Coaching is where you learn how to regulate your own emotions instead of needing your spouse to fix them. It’s where you learn how to set boundaries without building walls. It’s where you learn how to communicate your desires without making demands. It’s where you learn how to stay connected to yourself while also staying connected to your partner.

Greg and Rachel, the couple I mentioned earlier? At stage three, Rachel realized that Greg dealt with stress by getting quiet and withdrawn. He’d come home from work, barely say two words at dinner, and she’d feel completely abandoned. She’d grown up in a home where her dad gave her the silent treatment when he was angry, and Greg’s quietness triggered every childhood wound she had about not being important enough. So she’d chase him, demand his attention, ask him what was wrong over and over.

And Greg? He’d grown up in a chaotic home where his mom was always emotionally intense. When Rachel would come at him with her emotions heightened, his nervous system would scream “danger,” and he’d shut down even more. Both of them thought the other person was the problem. Rachel thought, “If he’d just talk to me, we’d be fine.” Greg thought, “If she’d just give me space, I could relax.”

Neither of them was wrong about what they wanted. But both of them were approaching it from a place of “you need to change so I can feel okay.” That’s the trap of stage three. And that’s where skill development becomes critical.

The other reason people give up here is because they don’t realize marriage is learnable. They think if you have to work at it, something’s wrong. They think the right relationship should just flow naturally. But that’s like thinking you should be able to play piano beautifully without ever taking a lesson or practicing. Nobody expects that with piano. But somehow we expect it with marriage.

Stage three is where you realize you don’t have the skills you need yet. And instead of learning them, most people decide they married the wrong person. They think, “If this were the right marriage, it wouldn’t be this difficult.” But difficulty isn’t the same as dysfunction. Sometimes difficulty is just growth trying to happen, and you need to develop new skills to navigate it.

Moving Into Stage Four: The Growth Stage

Stage four is where the real transformation happens. Instead of trying to change each other, you start to understand one another. Boundaries are respected, and love becomes a conscious choice.

Let me be really clear about what this looks like practically, because “understanding” sounds nice but vague. Understanding means you start recognizing that your partner’s behavior isn’t actually about you—it’s about them and their nervous system and their history. But recognizing that intellectually is different from having the skills to respond differently in the moment.

When Greg and Rachel moved into stage four, it looked like this: Rachel would feel herself getting anxious when Greg was quiet at dinner. In stage three, she’d immediately make it mean he was mad at her or withdrawing. She’d start asking him what was wrong, and he’d say “nothing,” which would escalate her anxiety.

In stage four, Rachel learned a skill—the skill of self-regulation. She developed this in coaching. We practiced noticing her anxiety without immediately acting on it. She’d notice and think, “Okay, Greg’s quiet. That’s making me nervous because I grew up with a dad who gave me the silent treatment when he was angry. But Greg isn’t my dad. And his quietness might not even be about me at all.” Then she could use another skill—making a clean request instead of an accusation. She’d ask him, “You seem quiet tonight. Are you processing something from work, or is something going on between us?”

That tiny shift—approaching him with curiosity instead of accusation—changed everything. Greg could say, “Yeah, I had a rough meeting today. I’m just thinking through some stuff. It’s not about you.” And Rachel could believe him because she’d developed the skill of separating his behavior from her childhood wounds.

This is learnable. Rachel wasn’t born knowing how to do this. She developed it through coaching, through practice, through catching herself mid-spiral and trying something different. But she needed someone to actually teach her what self-regulation looked like and how to do it in the moment.

Boundaries at stage four don’t mean walls. They mean you’re clear about where you end and your spouse begins. But boundaries are also a skill. You stop taking responsibility for their emotions while still caring about their experience. You stop expecting them to fix your emotional state while still asking for what you want.

Derek came to coaching saying his wife Nicole was too sensitive. “I can’t say anything without her getting hurt,” he told me. “I’m constantly walking on eggshells.” When we dug into it, what was really happening was that Derek would make comments that were objectively hurtful—little digs about her weight, her spending, how she loaded the dishwasher. But he didn’t think he was being mean; he thought he was “just being honest” or “just joking.”

Stage four for Derek meant learning a skill he’d never developed—the skill of speaking with awareness of impact. Nicole’s hurt feelings weren’t manipulation—they were information. She was telling him his words had impact. And he could either keep insisting she was too sensitive, or he could develop the skill of making requests without criticizing—or better yet, focusing on what he appreciates rather than what bothers him.

For Nicole, stage four meant learning she didn’t have to tolerate being spoken to that way. She developed the skill of setting boundaries in coaching. We worked on what a boundary actually was—not a way to control Derek’s behavior, but a way to protect herself and communicate what she was available for. She could say, “When you make comments about my body, I feel hurt and I pull away from you. I’m asking you to stop.” And then—this is the crucial part—she had to actually implement the boundary, which is its own skill. When Derek would make another comment, she’d say, “I’m not available for this conversation right now,” and she’d leave the room.

This felt terrifying at first. Nicole had spent years trying to keep the peace, trying not to rock the boat. Actually following through on a boundary felt selfish to her. But in coaching, we practiced. We role-played different scenarios. We talked through what would happen if Derek got angry when she left the room. We worked on her staying grounded in her own worth even when he was dysregulated. These are skills. And they’re learnable.

Stage four is where you both grow up emotionally. You develop skills you didn’t have before. You stop parenting each other. You stop trying to control each other’s choices. You recognize that you’re two separate people who are choosing to build a life together, not two halves trying to become one whole.

The True Love Stage and Beyond

Stage five is what the post calls the true love stage. You’ve weathered the storms together. You’ve seen each other’s worst, and you still choose to stay. The bond becomes peaceful, passionate, and deeply connected.

I want to be careful here because “peaceful” doesn’t mean boring, and “passionate” doesn’t just mean sexual desire. What it means is that you’ve developed such a deep security in each other that you can be fully yourselves without fear. And paradoxically, that security creates space for genuine desire to exist.

So many couples think passion dies because they’ve been together too long. But what actually kills passion is the caretaking dynamic, the resentment, the walking on eggshells, the trying to fix each other that happens in stages three and four. Once you move through that and establish real differentiation—where you’re both emotionally autonomous people who choose connection—passion can flourish again.

Tyler and Jasmine came to me after fifteen years of marriage. They thought they’d made it to stage five because they barely fought anymore. Tyler said, “We’re great roommates. We run the household well together. But something’s missing.” What he couldn’t see was that they’d actually gotten stuck somewhere between stages three and four. They’d resolved the constant conflict of stage three by becoming conflict-avoidant, which meant they never actually did the growth work of stage four.

They’d created a kind of pseudo-peace by both suppressing their authentic selves. Jasmine would bite her tongue when Tyler made decisions she disagreed with. Tyler would withdraw his desires—including sexual desire—because he didn’t want to rock the boat. They weren’t fighting, but they also weren’t really connecting.

Stage five isn’t about being nice all the time. It’s about being real all the time. Jasmine needed to learn she could disagree with Tyler without it threatening their marriage. Tyler needed to learn he could want things—including sex—without needing Jasmine to want exactly the same things at exactly the same intensity.

When they started bringing their full selves back into the relationship—their desires, their frustrations, their individual quirks—they actually had to go back and do the stage four work they’d skipped. There was conflict. There were uncomfortable conversations. But this time they were moving toward each other instead of away from each other.

Stage six is the legacy stage. Without even trying, your relationship becomes an example. Your love story inspires others, leaving behind something lasting and meaningful.

I don’t work with couples at stage six—they don’t need me. But I’ve seen it. My own grandparents were the perfect example of this stage. Everyone who knew them knew how much they loved each other. It wasn’t something they announced or tried to prove. It was just evident in how they moved through life together. That’s what stage six looks like—a love that’s so solid, so real, that it becomes its own testimony to what’s possible in marriage.

But my grandparents didn’t start there. Nobody does. They moved through all these stages just like everyone else. And that’s exactly why understanding this framework matters so much.

Why This Framework Matters

So why am I spending an entire episode on this? Because if you don’t know these stages exist, you’ll interpret stage three as the end. You’ll think, “This is as good as it gets, and it’s not good enough, so I should leave.”

But if you know that frustration is actually just the doorway to growth, you can stay in it long enough to do the work. You can recognize that the difficulty isn’t a sign you married the wrong person—it’s a sign you’re both bumping up against your own limitations and your partner’s limitations, and growth is trying to happen.

The difference this makes is massive. Without this framework, you’ll keep repeating the same patterns with every partner you choose. You’ll hit stage three with someone new and think, “Oh, this relationship also isn’t right. The next one will be better.” But stages one through three happen in every serious relationship. The only question is whether you’ll do the work to move into stage four.

With this framework, you can relax a little. You can stop panicking when things get hard. You can tell your spouse, “I think we’re in stage three. This is the frustration stage where we’re both trying to change each other instead of understand each other. Let’s figure out how to move forward together.”

How to Create Forward Movement

So how do you actually move through these stages instead of getting stuck?

First, you have to accept where you are. If you’re in stage three, pretending you’re in stage one won’t help. You can’t wish away the frustration or the disillusionment. You have to acknowledge it and then decide what you’re going to do about it.

Second, you have to shift from “fixing my partner” to “growing myself.” Every time you’re frustrated with your spouse, ask yourself: What is this bringing up in me? What wound from my past is getting activated? What would I need to develop in myself to handle this differently?

Rachel—the client I mentioned earlier whose husband Greg would get quiet and withdrawn when stressed—had to stop waiting for Greg to become more emotionally available and start developing her own ability to self-soothe. That didn’t mean Greg got a free pass to withdraw forever. But it meant Rachel stopped making his withdrawal about her worth, and that changed the entire dynamic between them.

Third, you have to communicate differently. In stages one and two, you can get away with sloppy communication because you’re both trying so hard to make it work. By stage three, you need actual skills. You need to learn how to make requests instead of demands. You need to learn how to listen without defending. You need to learn how to take responsibility for your part without taking responsibility for your partner’s emotions.

These communication skills aren’t intuitive. Most of us model what we saw growing up, which might have been yelling, silent treatment, passive aggression, or people-pleasing. Breaking those patterns requires learning new ones. This is where coaching becomes invaluable—having someone who can hear what you’re actually saying versus what you think you’re saying, who can help you see your blind spots, who can give you specific language to use in difficult conversations.

Fourth—and this is crucial—you have to remember that you’re on the same team. In stage three, it feels like you’re opponents. You versus them. Your wants versus their wants. But the only way to get to stage four is to shift back into “us versus the problem.” Not “me versus you.”

For Greg and Rachel, this shift sounded like: Instead of Rachel saying, “You never talk to me,” she’d say, “I miss feeling connected to you. Can we figure out how to create more connection that works for both of us?” Instead of Greg saying, “You’re too clingy,” he’d say, “I need some space when I first get home from work, but I don’t want you to feel abandoned. How can we both get what we desire?”

That’s what stage four looks like. You’re negotiating together instead of fighting each other.

How to Know Where You Are

You might be wondering, “How do I know which stage we’re in?” The stages aren’t perfectly linear—you might move back and forth a bit. But generally:

If everything still feels easy and magical, you’re probably in stage one or early stage two. Enjoy it while it lasts, but don’t expect it to last forever.

If you’re starting to see your partner’s flaws and you’re wondering if you can really love them as they are, you’re in stage two. This is where curiosity is your friend. Instead of deciding whether those flaws are dealbreakers, get curious about them. Where did those habits come from? What wounds are driving those behaviors?

If you’re frustrated more often than not, if you’re wondering if you chose the wrong person, if arguments feel personal and deeply painful, you’re in stage three. This is where you need to decide: Am I willing to do the work to move forward? Because staying in stage three indefinitely will kill your marriage—either through divorce or through resigned misery.

If you’re starting to understand your partner on a deeper level, if you’re respecting each other’s boundaries, if love is feeling more like a choice than an obligation or a feeling, you’re entering stage four. Keep going. This is where real intimacy gets built.

If you’ve weathered multiple storms together and you still choose each other, if there’s both peace and passion in your relationship, you’re in stage five. Don’t get complacent here. Keep choosing each other. Keep growing.

And if your relationship has become something that inspires others without you even trying, you’re in stage six. You’ve built something that matters, something that will outlast you both.

Most importantly: wherever you are is okay. You’re not behind. You’re not failing. You’re exactly where you are, and the only question is whether you’re willing to keep moving forward.

Getting Support for the Journey

If you’re recognizing yourself in stage three and you’re ready to develop the skills to move forward, coaching can help. I work with couples who are stuck in that frustration stage, who know they love each other but don’t know how to stop hurting each other. We work on the specific skills you need—emotional regulation, boundary setting, clean communication, staying connected to yourself while also staying connected to your spouse.

These aren’t things you figure out by trying harder or reading more articles. They’re skills that require practice, feedback, and support.

If you’re interested in working together, you can find more information at AmandaLouder.com. I’d love to help you move from stage three into the growth and connection that stage four and beyond offer.

Alright my friends, that’s all I have for you today. Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. I’ll see you next week…ba-bye.