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You know what keeps a lot of people up at night? The question: “Did I marry the right person?” And if you’ve ever had that thought cross your mind at 2 AM or while you’re sitting in traffic or watching your spouse do that thing that drives you absolutely crazy for the thousandth time, I want you to know you’re not alone. This is so normal.

In fact, if you listened to my episode about the six stages of marriage, you know that this question is exactly what defines stage three – the frustration stage. This is the stage where you’re thinking, “This isn’t what I signed up for.” Arguments sting deeper. Doubts creep in. And you wonder if you chose the wrong person. Most couples give up at stage three because they interpret these feelings as proof they made a mistake.

We live in a culture that’s obsessed with finding “the one” – like there’s some perfect person out there who’s going to complete us and make everything easy. We watch movies where couples have this instant, effortless connection that never wavers. We scroll through social media seeing everyone else’s highlight reels. And when our own marriage feels hard or disappointing or just… ordinary, we start to wonder if maybe we made a mistake.

But the question “Did I marry the right person?” is actually the wrong question to be asking. Because whether or not you married the “right” person has almost nothing to do with who you chose and everything to do with what you’re both willing to do now.

The Only Two Things That Determine Success

There are only two things that will tell you whether your relationship is going to work. That’s it. Just two.

First: Do you have two people who want to make it work?

Second: Are both people willing to do the work to make it happen?

That’s the whole formula. Not compatibility. Not shared interests. Not amazing chemistry or similar love languages or even how in love you felt on your wedding day. Those things are nice, and they can make the journey more enjoyable, but they don’t predict success.

Let me tell you about Hannah and Preston. They’ve been married for twelve years, and about three years ago, Hannah told me she was seriously questioning whether she’d made the right choice. Preston worked long hours, he wasn’t emotionally available, and their sex life had basically disappeared. She felt lonely in her own marriage and started fantasizing about what life would be like with someone else – someone who would prioritize her, who would want to connect with her, who would actually desire her.

She was convinced the problem was that she’d married the wrong person. Preston just wasn’t the right fit for her.

But when we dug deeper, what became clear was that Preston was struggling too. He felt like nothing he did was ever good enough for Hannah. He was working those long hours trying to provide for their family, and instead of appreciation, he got criticism. He’d pull away from sex because he was exhausted and felt inadequate, which made Hannah pull away emotionally, which made him work even more. They were in this terrible cycle.

The question wasn’t whether they’d married the right people. The question was: Did they both want to make it work, and were they both willing to do the work?

Turns out, they were. Once Hannah stopped focusing on whether Preston was “the one” and started focusing on whether she wanted to build something with him, everything shifted. Once Preston understood that Hannah wasn’t trying to tear him down but was actually just asking to be seen, he could show up differently.

They both started doing their own work – Hannah worked on managing her anxiety instead of controlling Preston’s schedule, Preston worked on being present instead of just being a provider. Neither of them changed who they fundamentally were, but they both changed how they showed up in the relationship.

And you know what? Three years later, Hannah will tell you that Preston is absolutely the right person for her. Not because he was perfect from the start, but because they both chose to build something together.

When Only One Person Is Doing the Work

Now, I’m a big believer that only one person is needed to change the dynamic in a relationship. When you change how you show up, you fundamentally change the dance you and your spouse are doing together. If you stop pursuing, they might start. If you stop criticizing, they might open up. If you stop managing their emotions, they might learn to manage their own.

One person absolutely can shift things.

But – and this is important – that doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is going to work. Because changing the dynamic is just creating an opportunity. The other person still has to choose to walk through that door with you.

Holly had been trying to improve her marriage for two years when she came to me. She’d read all the books, she’d been to therapy, she’d changed her approach to conflict, she’d stopped nagging Dylan about household responsibilities, she’d initiated sex even when he’d rejected her a hundred times before. She’d done so much work on herself.

And Dylan? Dylan was perfectly happy with the status quo. He’d go along with whatever Holly suggested in the moment – sure, we can try that new communication technique, sure, we can go to therapy – but he never actually implemented anything. He’d agree to step up with the kids and then conveniently forget. He’d say he wanted more sex but make no effort to create emotional connection or even just be kind to Holly during the day.

Holly kept thinking if she just changed the right thing, if she just figured out the magic formula, Dylan would engage. She’d read stories about women who changed themselves and their marriages transformed, and she wanted that to be her story too.

You changing the dynamic creates an opportunity for your relationship to improve, but it doesn’t guarantee it will. The other person still has to choose to engage. They still have to choose to do their own work.

After two years, Holly had to face a difficult reality. She’d changed the dynamic – she was calmer, less critical, more sexually confident, better at setting boundaries. But Dylan hadn’t changed. He was still emotionally unavailable, still passive in their parenting, still rejecting her sexually while telling her the problem was that she wasn’t trying hard enough.

Holly had to make a decision: Could she live with Dylan’s behavior as it was, or did she need to leave the relationship?

But before she could answer that question, she had to ask herself some even more important questions: Did she like herself in this relationship? Was she respecting herself and how she was showing up? Was she showing up in alignment with her integrity? Not perfectly – none of us do – but consistently?

Because you can do all the work in the world on yourself, but if you’re doing it while compromising your own integrity, if you’re showing up in ways that make you not respect yourself, if you don’t actually like who you’re becoming in this relationship – that’s information too.

That’s the decision you eventually face when you’re the only one doing the work. Not “Did I marry the right person?” but “Can I accept this person as they are, or do I need to choose something different?”

Now, I know what some of you are thinking. What if there’s a legitimate reason your spouse can’t engage right now? What if they’re dealing with depression or anxiety or trauma or chronic illness or grief? What if they’re not refusing to do the work – they’re genuinely unable to do it right now?

That’s a fair question. And it’s complicated.

Yes, there are absolutely legitimate reasons someone might not be able to engage in relationship work. Mental health struggles are real. Trauma is real. Grief is real. Chronic illness is real. And these things can absolutely impact someone’s capacity to show up in a relationship the way you might want them to.

But even with all of that – even when the reason is legitimate and understandable and something you have compassion for – you’re not obligated to stay.

Compassion for their struggle doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice yourself. Understanding why they can’t engage doesn’t mean you have to accept a relationship that’s eroding your own well-being. Having empathy for what they’re going through doesn’t mean you’re required to stay in a marriage where you’re drowning.

The question shifts a little. Instead of “Are they willing to do the work?” it becomes “Can I accept this reality – that they can’t or won’t engage right now – and still maintain my own well-being and integrity? Can I stay in this relationship without losing myself?”

Sometimes the answer is yes. You can accept that your spouse is going through something hard, and you can support them through it while still taking care of yourself. You can hold space for their struggle while maintaining your boundaries. You can be compassionate without becoming a martyr.

But sometimes the answer is no. Sometimes their legitimate struggle has been going on for years with no indication it will change. Sometimes you’ve become their caretaker instead of their partner. Sometimes you’re so depleted from holding everything together that you can barely function yourself.

And if that’s where you are, leaving doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t mean you didn’t try hard enough or that you’re abandoning them in their time of need. It means you’re making an honest assessment about what’s sustainable for you.

You can have compassion for why someone can’t show up and still choose to leave because you need a partner who can.

The Progression You Might Not Expect

Now I want to take you back to Hannah and Preston, because their story shows what’s possible when both people engage. Their journey wasn’t instant – it took time and intentionality – but it demonstrates exactly what I’m talking about when I say both people need to do the work.

Initially, Hannah was doing all the work. She was the one reading relationship books, suggesting couples therapy, trying to initiate difficult conversations. Preston was mostly just trying to keep his head above water and avoid conflict.

But when Hannah shifted her approach – when she stopped trying to change Preston and started changing herself – something interesting happened. She stopped being so anxious about their relationship, which meant she stopped micromanaging everything Preston did. She started taking responsibility for her own emotions instead of making them his problem to fix.

And that created space for Preston to actually step toward her instead of away from her.

Preston started noticing that when he came home and actually engaged with Hannah – asked about her day, put his phone down, made eye contact – she lit up. He started seeing that when he initiated physical affection that wasn’t just about sex, she responded. He started realizing that he actually liked being married to this woman when he wasn’t constantly on the defensive.

So Preston started doing his own work. He started paying attention to his own emotional state instead of just numbing out with work and screens. He started asking Hannah what she needed instead of assuming he should already know. He started showing up.

This is what moving from stage three to stage four looks like. They stopped trying to change each other and started understanding one another. Boundaries were respected. Love became a conscious choice instead of just a feeling. They were both doing the growth work.

Neither of them is perfect now. They still have hard days and stupid arguments and moments where they wonder what they’re doing. But they both want to make it work, and they’re both willing to do the work. That’s what makes the difference.

And this isn’t just my opinion or my coaching philosophy – there’s actual research backing this up.

The Research Backs This Up

John Gottman’s research on what makes marriages succeed or fail is fascinating. After studying thousands of couples for decades, he can predict with over 90% accuracy whether a couple will divorce based on observing them for just a few minutes. But you know what he’s not looking at? Whether they’re “compatible” or whether they chose the “right” person.

He’s looking at how they interact with each other. How they handle conflict. Whether they turn toward each other or away from each other in small moments. Whether they maintain respect and affection even when they disagree.

In other words, he’s looking at whether they’re both doing the work.

Gottman found that successful couples aren’t the ones who never fight or never have problems. They’re the ones who have a positive emotional bank account – meaning they make enough small positive deposits that they can handle withdrawals when conflict happens. They’re the ones who stay emotionally engaged even when it’s hard.

The successful couples are the ones where both people keep showing up.

So if it’s not about compatibility or chemistry or choosing the “right” person, what is it about? Let me address one of the biggest questions I get.

What About Chemistry?

Someone’s probably thinking, “But what about chemistry? What about passion? What about sexual compatibility? Don’t those things matter?”

Of course they matter. But they’re not static. They’re not something you either have or don’t have with a person forever.

Sexual desire in long-term relationships is something you cultivate, not something that just exists automatically. Emotional connection is something you build through consistent small actions, not something that’s either there or it’s not. Passion is something you create through intentionality and effort, not something that happens to you.

You probably had incredible chemistry when you first got together. Everything was new and exciting. You couldn’t keep your hands off each other. You stayed up all night talking. You felt that electric connection.

And now? Maybe not so much. Maybe you’re wondering where that spark went, and you’re interpreting its absence as evidence that you married the wrong person.

But the spark didn’t disappear because you chose wrong. It disappeared because you stopped tending to it. You stopped being curious about each other. You stopped creating novelty. You stopped prioritizing sexual connection. You let the relationship become background noise in your life instead of something you actively cultivate.

The good news is you can get it back. Both of you can. But only if you both want to and you’re both willing to do the work.

And if you’re wondering whether your spouse wants to and is willing to do the work, that brings me to something really important.

The Hard Conversation You Might Need to Have

If you’re the only one trying to improve your relationship, at some point you need to have a direct conversation with your spouse. Not a passive-aggressive comment. Not a hint. Not another article you forward hoping they’ll get the message. A real, vulnerable conversation.

It might sound something like: “I love you and I want our marriage to work. I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself – working on my anxiety, changing how I respond to conflict, trying to show up better. And I’m committed to continuing that work. But I need to know if you want this marriage to work too, and if you’re willing to do your own work to make that happen. Because I can’t do this alone forever.”

That conversation is terrifying because you might not like the answer you get. Your spouse might say yes but then not follow through with action. Or they might be honest and say they’re not sure. Or they might get defensive and turn it around on you.

But you need to know where you stand. You need to know if you have a partner in this or if you’re solo parenting your marriage.

And depending on their response – both their words and their actions – you’ll have information to make your decision. Can you live with things as they are, or do you need to choose something different?

Which brings me back to the question we started with.

There Is No “Right Person”

There’s no such thing as “the right person.” There are millions of people you could probably build a good life with if you both wanted to and were both willing to do the work. And there are millions of people you could be miserable with if neither of you was willing to put in effort.

Your spouse isn’t the wrong person because things are hard. Marriage is hard. Blending two separate lives, two sets of expectations, two nervous systems, two sexual histories, two families of origin – that’s complicated. It’s supposed to be hard sometimes.

The question isn’t whether you married someone who makes everything easy. The question is whether you married someone who’s willing to work through the hard parts with you.

And if the answer is no – if you’re with someone who consistently refuses to engage, who blames you for all the problems, who won’t take responsibility for their own behavior, who shows you through their actions that they don’t actually want things to improve – then you have a different kind of decision to make.

Not because they’re the wrong person, but because you deserve a partner who shows up.

Holly eventually made the decision to leave her marriage. It wasn’t because Dylan was a terrible person or because she’d married wrong. It was because after years of trying, she realized Dylan was never going to engage. He was comfortable with their disconnected relationship. He didn’t want to do the work.

And Holly decided she couldn’t live with that. She wanted a partnership, not a roommate. She wanted someone who would grow with her, not someone she had to drag along. She wanted both people doing the work.

That was one of the hardest decisions of her life. But it was also honest. She stopped asking “Did I marry the right person?” and started asking “Is this the life I want to keep choosing?”

So what does all of this mean for you? Where does this leave you in your own marriage?

What You Can Control

You can’t control whether your spouse decides to engage. You can’t force them to want to make the relationship work. You can’t make them do their own work.

But you can control yourself. You can decide what kind of partner you want to be, regardless of what your spouse is doing. You can work on your own issues, your own patterns, your own emotional regulation. You can choose to show up with kindness and respect even when it’s not reciprocated. You can change the dynamic.

And here’s what you can also evaluate: Do you like yourself in this relationship? Are you respecting yourself and how you show up? Are you showing up in alignment with your integrity? Not perfectly – none of us do – but consistently?

Because doing your own work doesn’t mean becoming a doormat. It doesn’t mean abandoning your boundaries or your self-respect. It doesn’t mean staying in a relationship where you don’t like who you’re becoming.

You can do all the right things – you can be calm, you can be kind, you can be patient, you can set boundaries – and still look in the mirror and not like what you see. And that’s valuable information.

And then you can make an honest assessment: Is this working? Are we both doing the work? Do we both want this? And equally important – do I like who I am in this relationship?

If yes, keep going. Keep building. Keep growing together. Your relationship can become something really beautiful, even if it’s not perfect.

If no, you have a choice to make. And whatever you decide – to stay and accept things as they are, or to leave and build something different – that’s valid. That’s your right.

Just stop asking whether you married the right person. You married a human being with flaws and gifts and limitations and potential, just like you. Whether that turns into a thriving marriage depends on what you both do next.

Alright my friends, that’s all I have for you today. Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. I’ll see you next week…ba-bye.