Blog

You know what’s interesting? When most couples think about their sex life, they compartmentalize it. It’s this thing that happens in the bedroom, at night, maybe on weekends. But what if I told you that the most sexually vibrant marriages are the ones where sexuality isn’t separate from daily life—it’s woven right through it?

Today we’re talking about infusing sex throughout your marriage. Not just scheduling date nights or trying to carve out time for intimacy. I’m talking about creating an erotic undercurrent that flows through your entire relationship, from morning breakfast to goodnight kisses and everything in between.

Throughout this episode, I’m going to be giving some examples and quotes from people that talked about this very topic in a Facebook post from a group that I am a part of.So I’ll be referencing those throughout the whole episode.

What Does It Mean to Infuse Sex Throughout Marriage?

So let’s start with what this actually means, because I think there’s a misconception here. When I say “infuse sex throughout your marriage,” I’m not talking about constantly groping your spouse or making every conversation about when you’re going to have intercourse. That’s exhausting and, frankly, it’s a turnoff for most people.

One wife put it beautifully when she said, “Sex is not a separate part of our marriage. It’s infused throughout it. We are bringing our erotic energy to each other constantly, even if we aren’t having intercourse a lot.”

Remember when you were dating? There was this electric energy between you two. A look across the room meant something. A brush of hands sent a thrill through you. You weren’t having sex constantly, but the possibility, the desire, the awareness of each other as sexual beings—that was always there, simmering beneath the surface.

That’s what we’re talking about creating in marriage. One person described it as “always having sex, and occasionally having an orgasm.” Now, that might sound strange at first, but think about the comparison they made: “It’s not unlike church. You go to church once a week, but you are always a religious person and incorporating spirituality into everything you do. Sex is best when it’s like that. It’s something we are, not just something we do.”

When sex is infused throughout your marriage, you’re not just sexual when you’re naked in bed. You’re sexual beings who happen to be married to each other, and that awareness colors your interactions all day long.

The Building Blocks: Touch, Text, Talk, and Looks

So how does this actually work in daily life? Let’s break it down into practical elements.

Touch is probably the most powerful tool here. And I’m not just talking about sexual touch, though that has its place too. I’m talking about the pat on the back as you pass in the kitchen. The hand on the small of the back as you walk into church. The playful smack on the butt when no one’s looking.

One husband shared: “We touch a lot. We pat and smack and grab—and we are okay with it.” Now, notice that phrase: “and we are okay with it.” That’s crucial. This only works when both of you have established that these touches are welcome, playful, and not pressured.

Then there’s texting. Maybe your spouse isn’t a big texter—that’s fine. But for those who are, a well-timed text can keep that simmer going all day. “Can’t stop thinking about last night.” “You looked incredible this morning.” “I have plans for you later…” Even something as simple as a flirty emoji can remind your spouse that they’re desired.

Talking about sex—past encounters, future possibilities, what you love about each other’s bodies—keeps sex alive in your mental landscape. One person mentioned that both partners thinking about sex daily, about past and future sexual encounters with each other, is essential. When you occasionally say something like, “Remember when we…” or “I can’t wait to…” you’re keeping that sexual connection active even when you’re not physically together.

And don’t underestimate the power of looks. You know what I’m talking about—that look that says “I want you” without saying a word. The want in your eyes when you look at each other. The way your gaze lingers just a moment longer than necessary. Eye contact during a conversation that suddenly shifts from mundane to meaningful.

Double Entendre, Innuendo, and Playfulness

Here’s where things get fun. Verbal wordplay, double entendres, and innuendo can turn even the most boring conversations into something charged with sexual energy.

“Want to help me toss this salad?”

“I need you to go deep… in the closet to get that box.”

“I could really use a hand… with this jar.”

You get the idea. These little moments of playfulness serve multiple purposes. First, they inject humor into your day. Second, they remind both of you that you’re not just roommates managing a household—you’re lovers who happen to live together. And third, they create inside jokes that are just between the two of you.

But here’s the key: this has to be mutual and pressure-free. If one person is uncomfortable, if it feels like an assault rather than playfulness, then it’s not working. We’ll talk more about that in a minute.

The Pressure Problem

Let’s pause here and address something critical, because this is where many couples get tripped up. There’s a huge difference between infusing sexual energy throughout your marriage and using constant sexual advances to pressure your spouse.

Listen to this insight: “If one person perceives flirting and sexual energy as pressure, they are less likely to engage. If the other person expects sex when flirting or sexual energy are shown, it’s less likely to be a fun way to interact.”

This is so important. The whole point of maintaining sexual energy throughout your day is to keep that connection alive, to remind each other of your attraction and desire. It’s NOT about trying to guarantee that sex will happen later.

One wife shared that earlier in their marriage, she shut down flirting entirely because “it felt like pressure. I had this idea that if I engaged, I had to follow-through. So I stopped engaging like that.” Can you see how problematic that is? The very thing that should increase connection was creating distance instead.

The difference comes down to giving versus taking energy. When you’re playfully flirting, touching, and creating sexual tension without expectation, that’s giving. You’re offering your desire as a gift, no strings attached. But when every touch is a bid for sex, when every flirty comment comes with the unspoken demand of “so are we having sex tonight?”—that’s taking. That’s using flirtation as a tool to get what you want rather than as a way to express genuine attraction and connection.

One person described the problematic version perfectly: “An anxious higher-desire partner tends to get gropey and mopey, constantly seeking attention and validation through inappropriate jokes and unwanted touching.” Meanwhile, “a lower-desire partner often shrinks, figuratively slapping hands away and being as disinterested in sex as possible.”

See how that creates a vicious cycle? The more one person pushes, the more the other retreats. The more the other retreats, the more anxious and pushy the first person becomes.

Creating Pressure-Free Sexual Energy

So how do you create this sexual energy without pressure? It requires a mindset shift from both partners.

For the higher-desire spouse, it requires courage and trust. One husband said it perfectly: “It has taken a surprising amount of courage from both of us! For her, the courage to turn her husband on even if she’s not wanting more than the flirting/kissing, etc. in the moment, and for me, the courage to be turned on without knowing more was coming.”

Read that again. The courage to be turned on without knowing more was coming. That’s huge. You have to be willing to experience desire without immediate gratification. You have to trust that building this sexual energy over time will ultimately lead to a more satisfying sex life than constantly pressuring for sex in the moment.

For the lower-desire spouse, it requires stepping into your own sexuality with confidence. It means being willing to flirt, to touch, to create sexual tension even when you’re not sure if you’ll want sex later. One wife explained: “We definitely touch and flirt throughout the day. It’s like a primer or foreplay before sex ever happens. But it doesn’t always lead to sex and that’s why I like it so much—it’s pressure free. We don’t only flirt and touch hoping for sex. We do it as our baseline no matter the outcome.”

That phrase—”our baseline no matter the outcome”—that’s the goal. Sexual energy isn’t something you turn on when you want sex. It’s just how you interact with your spouse, period.

Beyond the Physical: Emotional Connection Fuels Sexual Fire

Now, here’s something that often gets overlooked in these conversations. Physical flirtation is wonderful, but the deepest sexual connection comes from emotional intimacy.

One husband shared this beautiful insight: “Expressions of love, appreciation, and other deep emotions contribute more to our sexual fire than dirty jokes. Love notes for me to find in my lunch bag, long talks, back rubs, kisses, hand holding and even just talking about the sexy things we did the day before all contribute to us feeling close enough to want to have sex.”

This is where many couples miss the mark. They think “infusing sex throughout marriage” is all about being overtly sexual. But sometimes the sexiest thing you can do is have a deep conversation. To really see your spouse. To appreciate them. To be vulnerable with them.

Consider Brooke and Lucas. They’ve been married fifteen years. Lucas works long hours as an architect, and Brooke manages their household and works part-time. They went through a period where their sex life was nearly non-existent—not because they didn’t care about each other, but because they’d stopped connecting emotionally.

The turnaround came when they started talking every evening after the kids went to bed. Just twenty minutes of undistracted conversation about their days, their feelings, their dreams. No phones, no TV, just talking. Lucas started leaving little notes for Brooke—not always sexual, sometimes just “I saw this and thought of you” with a drawing he’d sketched. Brooke started texting Lucas photos throughout her day, giving him a window into her world.

What happened? The sexual energy returned naturally. Why? Because as one wife put it: “Intimacy begins in the heart long before it touches the skin.” When you feel deeply connected to your spouse emotionally, when you feel truly known and appreciated, sexual desire often follows naturally.

The Practical Daily Reality

Let’s get practical here. What does this actually look like day to day?

Let’s look at Trevor and Simone. They’ve been married eight years with two young kids. Here’s a typical day for them:

Morning: Trevor wakes up before Simone and makes breakfast. When she comes downstairs, he hands her a glass of orange juice and kisses her—not a peck, a real kiss that lasts a few seconds longer than necessary. While she’s eating, he comes up behind her and wraps his arms around her waist, breathing in the scent of her hair. Nothing has to come of it. It’s just a moment of connection.

During the day: Simone texts Trevor a photo of herself trying on a new dress. “Yes or no?” His response: “Yes. Definitely yes. Can’t wait to take it off you later.” She smiles and sends back: “We’ll see 😏”

Afternoon: Trevor calls Simone during his lunch break. They talk about logistics—who’s picking up the kids, what’s for dinner—but the conversation ends with “I love you” and “Can’t wait to see you tonight,” said in a way that carries weight.

Evening: While cooking dinner together, there’s touching. Trevor’s hand on Simone’s hip as he reaches for the salt. Simone brushing against him as she moves around the kitchen. At one point, he grabs her and dips her like they’re dancing, making her laugh.

After kids are in bed: They sit on the couch together. Maybe they watch a show, but they’re touching—her feet in his lap, him rubbing them. His arm around her shoulders, her hand on his thigh. They might have sex that night, they might not. But the erotic energy is there, the awareness of each other as sexual beings.

See how it works? It’s not about grand gestures. It’s about consistent small moments that say “I want you, I desire you, I’m attracted to you” woven throughout the ordinary fabric of your day.

The Foundation Matters

This kind of sexual energy can only flourish in healthy soil. Several spouses mentioned that healing their relationship and building trust had to come first.

One husband shared: “It took healing our relationship and building trust. There has been zero infidelity of any kind on either side but we needed emotional maturing and so on.”

You can’t fake this kind of connection if there’s unresolved resentment, broken trust, or emotional wounds. If you’re trying to create sexual energy in your marriage but it feels forced or fake, you might need to take a step back and address some foundational issues first. Maybe that means having some hard conversations. Maybe it means coaching. Maybe it means getting medical issues checked out.

This isn’t about putting a bandaid over deeper problems. It’s about creating something beautiful once you’ve done the hard work of building a strong foundation.

The Intentionality Factor

This doesn’t happen by accident. Creating and maintaining sexual energy throughout your marriage takes intention and effort from both partners.

One wife put it bluntly: “It takes intention. Do you really want your partner to receive the message that they and your marriage are far less important than bills and crises?”

Ouch. But that’s the reality, isn’t it? We make time for what matters to us. We put energy into what we prioritize. And in the busyness of life—jobs, kids, bills, responsibilities—it’s incredibly easy to let sexual energy slip away. Not because you don’t love your spouse, not because you’re not attracted to them, but simply because you’re not being intentional about maintaining it.

Think about Regina and Thomas. They were the couple who always said they were “too busy” for much of a sex life. Both had demanding careers, three kids in different activities, aging parents to care for. Sex happened maybe twice a month, and even then it felt rushed and obligatory.

The shift came when Regina realized that they’d become incredibly efficient roommates but had stopped being lovers. She initiated a conversation with Thomas: “What if we decided that our sexual connection was as important as paying bills or taking kids to practice? What would change?”

They started small. Morning kisses that lasted longer than a peck. A text in the middle of the workday that said something flirty. Touching when they passed each other in the house. Sitting close on the couch instead of on opposite ends. Going to bed at the same time instead of hours apart.

Did it feel awkward at first? Absolutely. Thomas admitted it felt almost like dating again—there was this self-consciousness, this “am I doing this right?” feeling. But they pushed through that initial awkwardness because they’d made a decision that their sexual connection mattered.

Six months later, their sex life had transformed—not because they were having sex more often (though they were), but because sex was no longer this separate, compartmentalized thing. It was part of who they were together.

Natural Rhythms and Flexibility

Now, I want to be clear about something: this isn’t about maintaining the same level of sexual energy every single day. That’s exhausting and unrealistic.

One husband wisely noted: “Sometimes drive and desire are higher and other days it’s lower. Some days there is touching, texting and flirting. Some days it’s very little. We try and roll with it, but it requires communication and effort from both.”

Life has rhythms. Some seasons are more sexually charged than others. Some days you’re both feeling it, other days you’re exhausted and just need to get through bedtime. Some weeks are filled with connection and energy, other weeks you’re just trying to survive.

The key is that the baseline remains. Even on the hard days, there’s still that underlying awareness of each other as sexual beings. Even when you’re tired, there’s still a touch, a look, a moment that says “I still want you, even though all I can manage right now is this kiss.”

A fire is a good comparison here. Sometimes it’s a roaring blaze. Sometimes it’s glowing embers. But if you tend to it, if you don’t let it go completely cold, it’s much easier to stoke it back into flames when you have the energy.

Cultivating Your Own Sexuality

Here’s something that doesn’t get talked about enough: infusing sex throughout your marriage isn’t just about what you do together. It’s also about how you think about yourself as a sexual being.

One wife said: “I think cultivating your own sexuality in your mind, as part of your daily thoughts, is essential.”

What does this mean? It means thinking about sex. Thinking about your spouse. Thinking about what you enjoy, what turns you on, what you want to try. It means not relegating sexuality to the back burner of your mind where it only surfaces when your spouse initiates.

For many women, especially those in long-term marriages, sexuality can start to feel like something that happens to them rather than something they actively participate in. They wait for their spouse to turn them on, to initiate, to create the mood. But that’s passive sexuality.

Active sexuality means owning your desire. It means thinking about your last sexual encounter and savoring the memory. It means anticipating the next one. It means noticing when you feel attracted to your spouse and letting yourself experience that attraction rather than immediately thinking “but we’re too busy” or “but I’m too tired.”

Consider Jasmine, who realized she’d stopped thinking of herself as a sexual person. She was a wife, a mother, a professional—but somewhere along the way, “sexual being” had dropped off her list of identities. She started small, taking a few minutes in the shower to think about what she enjoyed about sex with her husband. She started noticing when she felt attracted to him and letting herself sit with that feeling instead of immediately dismissing it.

This shift in her internal world created a shift in their marriage. Because when she started thinking of herself as a sexual being again, she naturally started acting like one. The flirting came more naturally. The initiating didn’t feel so forced. The sexual energy flowed more easily because it was coming from a place of genuine desire rather than obligation.

When It’s Not Working: Red Flags

We need to talk about when this approach isn’t working, because that’s important too.

If you’re trying to create sexual energy in your marriage but one or both of you feels constantly pressured, uncomfortable, or resentful—that’s a red flag. Remember what we talked about earlier: there’s a huge difference between playful, pressure-free sexual energy and constant sexual demands disguised as flirtation.

If every touch from your spouse makes you tense up, if you find yourself avoiding physical contact because you’re afraid it will lead to expectations, if you feel like you’re being sexually harassed in your own home—those are signs that something is seriously wrong with the dynamic.

Similarly, if you’re the one trying to create sexual energy but your spouse consistently shuts you down, shows no interest, or makes you feel rejected every time you try—that’s also a problem that needs addressing.

These issues don’t fix themselves with more of the same. They require honest conversation, possibly professional help, and a willingness from both partners to examine the patterns and make real changes.

The Beautiful Result

When this works—when both partners are committed to infusing sexual energy throughout their marriage in healthy, pressure-free ways—the result is pretty incredible.

Your marriage doesn’t feel like a business partnership punctuated by occasional sex. It feels like an ongoing love affair. There’s an undercurrent of desire and attraction that makes ordinary moments feel special. Grocery shopping together becomes flirtatious. Doing dishes side by side becomes an opportunity for connection. Going to bed isn’t just about sleep—it’s about being together in every sense.

And here’s the beautiful paradox: when you stop making sex the goal and instead make sexual connection the goal, you often end up having more and better sex. Because you’re not just having sex—you’re sexually connected all the time, and intercourse becomes one expression of that ongoing connection rather than this separate thing you have to work up to.

You know those couples who’ve been married for decades but still look at each other with heat in their eyes? Who touch each other like they can’t quite help it? Who have inside jokes that make them both smile? That’s what we’re talking about creating. Not a performance of passion, but a genuine, ongoing, deeply rooted sexual connection that weathers all the seasons of life.

 So if you don’t know, I lost my grandma just a few weeks ago. She passed away, after really struggling with her health for the last year and a half or so, but I learned how to infuse the sexual energy in my own marriage from my grandparents. They were married for 67 years and they had a beautiful love story, and even at the very end, they were still so devoted to each other.

They looked at each other in deeply loving ways. They called each other sweetheart. I watched my grandfather take care of my grandma the last year and a half in the most devoted of ways, and he sat by her side every second that he could. He was sitting by her side as we lost her, and I am so grateful for the beautiful example that they set to me and the rest of my family with their love story.

 Having this kind of marriage takes courage. It takes intention, it takes vulnerability and trust, and a willingness to push through awkwardness. But the reward is a marriage where sexuality isn’t separate from daily life, but woven right through it, and it’s absolutely worth it. 

All right, my friends. That’s all I have for you today. Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. I’ll see you next week…ba-bye.