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I hear it in coaching sessions, in Facebook groups, in conversations with women – this same struggle coming up over and over. A wife will say: “I just… I don’t find my husband’s body attractive. I mean, I love him, but his body just doesn’t do anything for me.”

And I get it. I’ve had versions of this conversation with dozens of women. They’ll say things like “The penis is just… weird looking. It’s not sexy.” Or “I don’t want to touch him down there. It feels awkward.” Or “I can give him a hand job I guess, but oral sex? Absolutely not. That’s just not something I can get into.”

This is affecting your marriage more than you might realize. So let’s unpack where this comes from and what we can do about it.

Where This Really Comes From

For many of you listening – especially those who grew up in religious communities where we were taught to avoid anything sexual or pornographic – you may have never seen a naked man before your wedding night. Think about that for a moment. We spend our entire adolescence and young adulthood carefully avoiding any exposure to mature male bodies. We look away from anything sexual. We guard our eyes and our thoughts. We’re told that sexual feelings should be reserved entirely for marriage.

And then we get married, and suddenly we’re supposed to find this body – this completely unfamiliar male body – immediately attractive and arousing. A body with hair where we might not expect it. Different textures. Genitals that move and change in ways that can seem unpredictable if you haven’t been taught to appreciate them. That’s a massive leap. It’s actually completely unrealistic.

Jenna told me she remembers her wedding night vividly. “I’d never seen a grown man naked before,” she said. “Sure, I’d babysat young boys, I had little brothers – but I’d never seen a mature male body. And suddenly there was my husband, and I was supposed to know what to do? I was supposed to find this arousing? I was terrified. His body looked so foreign to me. I didn’t know what was normal, what to expect, or how to respond.”

But there’s another layer to this that we don’t talk about enough. From the time we’re young girls, we’re taught to be on guard around men and their sexuality. We’re told to watch our drinks at parties. To never walk alone at night. To be careful about what we wear. We’re warned about what bad men can do with their bodies – how they can hurt us, overpower us, violate us. And while those are real dangers and important warnings, what happens is we start associating male bodies – and especially male genitals – with threat. With danger. With something to protect ourselves from.

You know that whole conversation that went viral about whether women would rather encounter a bear or a man if they were alone in the woods? And so many women said they’d choose the bear? That’s not actually a joke. It’s a reflection of how deeply we’ve internalized the message that men – even known men – represent potential danger in ways that even wild animals don’t. We can predict what a bear will do. We know how to avoid threatening a bear. But a man? That’s unpredictable. That’s scary.

Now, that’s not all men. Your husband isn’t a predator. But your nervous system doesn’t always make that distinction. You’ve been conditioned to see male sexuality and male bodies as potentially dangerous, and that doesn’t just switch off when you say ‘I do.’ Part of your brain is still sending danger signals. The very thing that was supposed to keep you safe is now standing in the way of intimacy.

And then add on top of that all the cultural messages: women making jokes about how weird penises look. The complete absence of any positive discussion about male bodies. The way we’re told that women are not visual creatures.

We’ve essentially trained women to be disconnected from visual arousal to male bodies, and for many of us in religious communities, we’ve had zero exposure to even develop familiarity, let alone attraction. And underneath all of it is this current of fear – that male sexuality is something to protect ourselves from rather than something to embrace.

So when all of this conditioning collides with your marriage, what happens? What does your husband experience when you’re struggling with this?

What Your Husband Hears

Let me be direct about something: when you communicate – through words or actions – that you don’t find your husband’s body attractive, he doesn’t just hear “I’m not visual.” He hears “You’re not desirable. Your body is something to be tolerated, not celebrated.”

Tyler shared with me what it felt like when his wife would only touch him during sex in very specific, minimal ways. “She’d do what was necessary but nothing more. She never explored my body. Never seemed curious. I started to feel like my body was something shameful. Like I should apologize for wanting her to touch me.”

Think about how you feel when your husband is genuinely attracted to your body. When he looks at you with desire, when he wants to touch you, when he’s drawn to you physically. It makes you feel wanted. Seen. Valuable. Now flip that. Imagine if he approached your body with visible reluctance. If he’d touch certain parts but clearly avoided others. If he gave the impression that sex was something he did for you despite not finding you attractive.

That’s the message many husbands are receiving. And it’s devastating.

Brandon told me: “I’d initiate sex and she’d say yes, but I could tell she was just going through the motions. She never touched me unless I guided her hand there. She’d never initiate oral sex – I had to ask, and even then she’d do it for maybe 30 seconds before moving on. I started to feel like my body was repulsive to her. Like she was doing me a favor by having sex with me at all.”

But wait – you might be thinking, “I can’t help it. I’m just not a visual person. That’s how women are wired, right?”

The Myth of “Men Are Visual”

We’ve been sold this idea that men are visual creatures and women aren’t. But that’s not actually true. Research shows that women respond to visual stimuli – we just haven’t been given permission to acknowledge it or cultivate it.

Studies have shown that women’s physical arousal responses to visual sexual stimuli are actually quite strong – sometimes even stronger than men’s in certain contexts. The difference is often in how we interpret our own arousal, how we give ourselves permission to acknowledge it, and what we’ve been conditioned to find attractive.

Olivia had a breakthrough in this area. “I realized I’d never actually looked at my husband’s body with the intention of finding it attractive,” she said. “I’d look away when he was naked. I’d close my eyes during sex. I’d never taken time to actually appreciate what I was seeing. When I started intentionally looking – really looking – things started to shift.”

This past April, I had the opportunity to visit Italy with my husband on a work trip. We made a weekend stop in Florence, and I got to see Michelangelo’s David in person. You know what’s funny? Anytime you see images of this magnificent piece of art, there’s often a fig leaf covering his genitals. Like even in art, we can’t handle the full reality of the male body.

But standing there in the Accademia Gallery, looking up at the actual statue – he was breathtaking. There were literally hundreds of people crowded into that museum, and we were all admiring the beauty of the male form. The power of it. The artistry of it. I actually started to cry a little bit. Because right there was proof that the male body – all of it – can be seen as beautiful. Not shameful. Not threatening. Beautiful.

Women are absolutely capable of visual desire. We see this with how women respond to attractive celebrities, to romance book covers, to well-filmed intimate scenes in movies. The issue isn’t that we can’t be visual – it’s that we haven’t learned to be visual with our husbands’ actual bodies, in real life, in our bedrooms.

So what happens when we do learn? When we move from avoidance to acceptance? The shift can be profound.

What Accepting His Body Creates

When you genuinely accept and desire your husband’s body – all of it – something shifts in your marriage. It’s not just about sex. It creates a level of acceptance and vulnerability that permeates everything else.

Natalie described it this way: “When I started genuinely appreciating my husband’s body, when I stopped treating his penis like it was just a utilitarian tool and started actually enjoying it – being playful with it, complimenting it, wanting to touch it – I could see him relax. He became more confident. More playful. More generous. It was like I’d given him permission to fully show up.”

When a man knows his wife finds him genuinely attractive – not just tolerates his body but actually desires it – he experiences a type of acceptance that touches something deep. And that acceptance flows into other areas. He’s more likely to be vulnerable emotionally. More likely to show up fully in other ways. More likely to pursue his wife because he doesn’t fear rejection.

And for you as a wife? When you allow yourself to actually desire your husband’s body, to find it attractive, to enjoy the visual and tactile experience of his body – you open yourself up to arousal you might not have known was available to you. You give yourself permission to want sex, not just be willing to have it.

Now, you might be recognizing yourself in some of what I’ve been describing, but maybe you’re not sure if this applies to you. Let me paint a picture of what this actually looks like day to day.

How This Shows Up in Your Marriage

Maybe you avoid looking at your husband when he’s naked. You keep your eyes up or away. You don’t linger. You definitely don’t stare with desire.

Or maybe during sex, you’ll touch his chest, his arms, his back – but you avoid his genitals entirely. Some women won’t touch their husband’s genitals at all, even during intercourse. You don’t explore. You don’t play. You don’t touch him just because you want to.

Perhaps oral sex is completely off the table. Or if you do it, it’s rare, brief, and clearly something you’re doing for him rather than something you enjoy. You might use your hand but even that feels perfunctory.

Sometimes it shows up in the comments you make – even joking ones – that communicate discomfort with male anatomy. “Men are so weird.” “Why does it do that?” “I don’t understand why you like that so much.”

Or maybe it’s more subtle. You just don’t initiate touch. You don’t compliment his body. You don’t communicate desire for him physically. Sex happens, but it’s clear you’re motivated by emotional connection or obligation, not by genuine physical desire for him.

If you’re recognizing any of these patterns, you might be wondering why this matters so much. Can’t you just work around it? Can’t a good marriage exist without this piece?

Why Body Acceptance Is Essential

Let me be really clear about something: you cannot have a truly fulfilling sexual relationship without acceptance of your spouse’s body. Not tolerance. Not resignation. Acceptance. And eventually, appreciation.

This isn’t optional. It’s foundational. When you’re holding parts of your husband at arm’s length – literally or figuratively – you’re building a barrier in your sexual relationship that affects everything else. You can’t be fully present during sex if you’re mentally checking out from parts of his body. You can’t create genuine intimacy if there’s an unspoken “but not that part” attached to your acceptance of him.

But before you can fully accept your husband’s body, you need to come to terms with your own. Because so often, the discomfort we feel with our spouse’s body is actually a reflection of our own body shame and conditioning.

And that shame? It often starts earlier than you might think. For many of us, it begins in infancy. Babies are naturally curious about everything, including their own bodies. They touch. They explore. They discover what feels good. And what do we do? We say “No, don’t touch that.” We react with “Eww, gross.” Even during diaper changes – instead of matter-of-factly saying “I smell poop, let’s change your diaper,” we say “Eww, yuck, you stink, let’s go change you.” We communicate disgust with how the body naturally works.

From our earliest days, we’re learning that certain parts of our bodies are shameful. That natural bodily functions are disgusting. That curiosity about our own bodies is wrong. Is it any wonder we carry that into adulthood? That sexuality itself becomes something to be hidden away? These beliefs don’t just magically disappear when you get married. They show up in how you view your own body and, by extension, your husband’s.

Claire realized this when she started unpacking why she was so uncomfortable with her husband’s genitals. “I had so much shame around my own body,” she said. “I couldn’t look at myself naked. I thought my body was wrong, broken somehow. And that shame spilled over into how I viewed his body. If mine was shameful, his must be too. It took working through my own body image issues before I could even begin to approach his body with openness.”

You have to work through your conditioning. Those messages about bodies being shameful. Those jokes you heard growing up. Those beliefs about sexuality being dirty or wrong. The idea that “good” women don’t think about sex or desire their husbands physically. All of that has to be examined and challenged.

And you need to work through those deeper safety messages too – the ones that taught you to view male bodies and male sexuality as threatening. Your husband isn’t a threat. His arousal isn’t danger. His body isn’t something you need to protect yourself from. But your nervous system might still be reacting as if it is, and that takes intentional work to rewire.

And let me say this: you don’t have to love all men’s bodies in general. You don’t have to find random male bodies attractive. You don’t have to watch male-focused content or develop some universal appreciation for male anatomy. That’s not what we’re talking about.

What you do need is to come to a place of peace and acceptance with your husband’s specific body. Because you love him. Because he’s your person. And because his body – all of it – was created in the image of God. The same God we worship. We honor God in our marriages, and yet we choose to reject what He created and called good. Your husband’s body, including his genitals, isn’t a mistake or an afterthought in God’s design.

It’s similar to how you might feel about other aspects of your spouse. Maybe you’re not generally attracted to bald men, but your husband lost his hair and you love him anyway – and over time, you come to appreciate even that. Maybe beards aren’t usually your thing, but the way his face looks is part of him, and you grow to love it. Your husband’s body – all of it – deserves that same journey from tolerance to acceptance to appreciation.

Okay, so if you’re sitting here recognizing that you need to work on this, you’re probably wondering: where do I even start?

What You Can Do About This

The good news is that attraction can be cultivated. Your brain is neuroplastic – it can learn new patterns. You can develop genuine appreciation and desire for your husband’s body.

Start with your own body work. Spend time getting comfortable with your own nakedness. Look at yourself in the mirror without judgment. Touch your own body. Work through whatever shame or discomfort you carry about your own body. This isn’t narcissism – it’s foundational work that will make it possible for you to accept his body.

Then, approach his body with curiosity instead of pressure. You don’t have to find everything immediately arousing. But you can approach his body with curiosity. What does he like to be touched? What feels good to him? What makes him respond?

Sophia started this process by asking her husband to teach her about his body. “I told him I’d realized I didn’t really know what he enjoyed,” she said. “I asked him to show me, to guide my hand, to tell me what felt good. It took the pressure off me having to somehow instinctively know, and it created this playful, educational dynamic that was actually really intimate.”

Look at him intentionally. Not in a critical way, but with the same curiosity you might bring to a museum. Notice the way his body is built. The way different parts connect. The way he moves. The way his body responds to touch, to arousal, to your attention.

Reframe your thoughts. When you catch yourself thinking “that’s weird” or “I don’t like this,” consciously shift to curiosity. “What is it about this that my husband enjoys?” “What might be appealing about this if I let myself see it differently?” “How is my conditioning affecting what I’m seeing right now?”

And when you notice fear responses coming up – that tightening in your chest, that pulling away, that sense of threat – remind yourself: “This is my husband. He’s safe. His body is safe. His arousal is not a threat to me.” You might need to repeat this many times before your nervous system believes it.

Start small with touch. You don’t have to go from avoidance to enthusiastic oral sex overnight. Maybe you start by touching him more during sex. Running your hands over parts of his body you usually avoid. Making eye contact when you touch him genitally instead of looking away.

Talk to him. Tell him you’re working on this. Tell him you want to enjoy his body more fully. Ask him what he wishes you knew or understood. This vulnerability can create incredible intimacy.

Challenge the narratives you’ve internalized. When you notice thoughts like “women aren’t visual” or “penises are just awkward” or “bodies are shameful” or “male sexuality is threatening,” actively question them. Says who? Based on what? What if the opposite could be true for you?

And consider this: arousal often follows action rather than preceding it. You might not feel aroused by the idea of touching your husband’s body, but if you touch him anyway – with genuine curiosity and attention – arousal often shows up.

Now, I know some of you listening aren’t the wives struggling with this – you’re the husbands living with it. And I haven’t forgotten about you.

What If You’re the Husband

Let me speak directly to you for a moment, because I know some of you are reading this or listening to this, feeling that knot in your stomach as you recognize your own marriage in these descriptions.

And I’m guessing some of you are getting emotional right now. Maybe you’ve had to pull over. Maybe you’re in your car in the driveway and you can’t go inside yet because you’re crying. Maybe you’re at work with your office door closed, trying to compose yourself.

Because someone is finally naming it. This thing you’ve been living with for years – maybe your entire marriage. This deep, profound hurt that you’ve carried alone. The rejection you feel every time you initiate and sense her reluctance. The loneliness of being married to someone who tolerates your body but doesn’t desire it. The shame you’ve internalized, wondering if something is wrong with you, if you’re asking too much, if you’re shallow for wanting your wife to actually want you.

You’ve probably tried to bring this up before and been shut down. Maybe you’ve been told you’re too focused on sex. That you’re being selfish. That you should just be grateful she’s willing at all. Maybe you’ve stopped talking about it because every conversation ends in hurt or defensiveness or both.

And now someone is saying: you’re not wrong. Your feelings matter. Your pain is real. What you’re longing for – to be desired by your wife, to have her enjoy your body, to feel wanted – that’s not asking too much. That’s not shallow. That’s human.

I see you. And what you’ve been experiencing is real.

First, I want you to know: your desire to be desired is not wrong or shallow. The longing to have your wife want you physically, to enjoy your body, to seek you out – that’s legitimate. That’s human. You’re not being unreasonable.

And I want you to know: her struggle with this isn’t about you. It’s not a reflection of your worth or desirability. It’s about years of conditioning and messages she’s received about male bodies, about sexuality, about what she’s supposed to want and feel. And if you married young, if she’d never seen a naked man before your wedding night, there’s an added layer of unfamiliarity and intimidation that she’s working through. There may even be deeper conditioning about male sexuality being threatening – messages that have nothing to do with you but that are affecting how she responds to you.

But I also know that understanding where it comes from doesn’t make it hurt less. It’s incredibly painful to sense that your wife is tolerating your body rather than enjoying it. To feel like your sexual encounters are something she’s doing for you rather than with you. To wonder if she’d ever touch you if you didn’t initiate.

And yet – this is important – you have to be a safe place for her to work through this. I know that’s hard when you’re hurting. But if she senses anger, resentment, or pressure from you, her nervous system will stay in protective mode. She won’t be able to do the vulnerable work of rewiring her conditioning if she doesn’t feel safe with you. So even though you’re the one feeling rejected, creating safety for her is part of what makes change possible.

Here’s what I’d encourage you to consider: you can’t force desire. You can’t convince your wife to find you attractive through logic or pressure or hurt feelings. But you can create conditions that make it easier for her to develop that attraction.

First, bring this up vulnerably rather than accusatorily. Not “You never want me” but “I’ve noticed you seem uncomfortable touching me in certain ways, and I’m wondering if we can talk about that. I want to understand what you’re experiencing.”

Second, be patient with the process. If she’s willing to work on this, it’s not going to shift overnight. She’s rewiring years of conditioning. Celebrate small steps. Notice when she makes an effort. Don’t minimize progress just because it’s not where you ultimately want to be.

Third, take care of your own body in ways that make you feel good. I’m not talking about becoming a different person or meeting some external standard of attractiveness. But grooming yourself in ways that make you feel confident. Taking care of your health because you value yourself. This isn’t about earning her desire – it’s about honoring yourself.

And fourth, consider whether there are ways you’ve pulled back that might be reinforcing this dynamic. Have you stopped pursuing her because rejection hurts too much? Have you become resentful in ways that leak into other areas of your relationship? Sometimes husbands withdraw emotionally in response to sexual rejection, which then makes it even harder for their wives to feel desire. She needs to feel safe with you – emotionally safe, not just physically safe. That means being present, being kind, being patient even when you’re hurting.

So where does all of this leave us? Whether you’re the wife who’s struggling or the husband who’s hurting, what’s possible from here?

The Path Forward

Look, this is hard. I’m not going to pretend otherwise. If you’re a wife who’s recognizing yourself in this episode, you might be feeling defensive or guilty or overwhelmed. If you’re a husband who’s been living with this, you might be feeling validated but also hopeless.

But I’ve seen couples move through this. I’ve seen wives develop genuine appreciation and desire for their husbands’ bodies. I’ve seen husbands who felt rejected for years begin to believe their wives actually want them.

It requires honesty. It requires vulnerability from both of you. It requires the wife to be willing to challenge her conditioning and actively work on developing attraction. And it requires the husband to create safety for that process, to not punish small steps, to be patient with the journey.

But on the other side of this work? There’s a sexual connection that feels mutual. There’s a husband who feels genuinely desired. There’s a wife who’s connected to her own capacity for visual and physical attraction. There’s playfulness and freedom and joy in your physical relationship that might not exist right now.

Your husband’s body isn’t something to merely tolerate or work around. It’s part of the person you chose to spend your life with. And learning to genuinely appreciate it, desire it, celebrate it – that’s not just about better sex. It’s about a deeper level of acceptance and connection in your entire marriage.

Alright my friends, that’s all I have for you today. Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. I’ll see you next week…ba-bye.