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“I would be completely fine never having sex again.”

When a woman says this to her husband, it lands like a bomb. And yet, I hear this sentiment constantly – not just in my coaching practice, but in private conversations, in online forums, in the quiet confessions women make to each other when they think no one else is listening.

The interesting part? Most of these women didn’t start out feeling this way. Melissa, one of my clients, told me she couldn’t even recognize herself anymore. “Before we got married, I was so excited about sex,” she said. “I thought about it, looked forward to it. Now? The thought of my husband touching me makes me want to crawl out of my skin, and I hate that about myself.”

She’s not alone. This pattern is so common it’s almost predictable, and understanding why requires us to look at how we’re taught to think about sex, especially as women in conservative religious communities.

The Cultural Setup

Most of us grew up with some version of the same story: sex is dangerous, sex is something boys want and girls guard against, sex will ruin your life if you have it too soon, but then – the moment you say “I do” – sex becomes your sacred duty and the glue that holds your marriage together.

That’s a lot of pressure. And it’s based on a fundamental misunderstanding of how desire actually works.

When you spend years being told that your job is to control male sexuality, to be the gatekeeper, to say no – and then you get married and suddenly your job is to say yes, to be available, to meet your husband’s needs – something breaks. Because desire doesn’t work like a light switch. You can’t spend years training yourself to shut down sexual thoughts and feelings, and then flip a switch on your wedding night and become a sexually enthusiastic person.

Melissa described her first year of marriage as confusing. “I thought I was supposed to want it all the time now. But I didn’t. And David would get frustrated, which made me feel broken. So I started just going along with it, you know? Just getting it over with.”

Just getting it over with. That phrase tells you everything about where desire goes to die.

The Shame Spiral

What most people don’t talk about is the crushing shame on both sides of this dynamic.

Women carry shame for not wanting sex. We’re told that a good wife desires her husband, that if we loved him enough we’d want him, that our lack of desire means something is fundamentally wrong with us. Melissa told me she felt like a failure every single day. “I’d see other wives talking about how much they loved sex with their husbands, and I’d wonder what was broken in me. Why couldn’t I just be normal?”

That shame makes everything worse. Because when you feel shame about not wanting sex, you’re even less likely to want it. You start associating sex not just with pressure and obligation, but with your own inadequacy. Every time your husband initiates and you don’t want to, you’re faced with evidence of your failure.

But men carry shame too, and we don’t talk about this enough. David told me he felt ashamed of wanting sex at all. “I felt like a monster,” he said. “Like I was this perverted guy who just wanted to use his wife. I’d see her cringe when I touched her, and I’d hate myself for even wanting her.”

Men are taught that their sexual desire is a burden, something their wives have to put up with, something they should feel guilty about. So they want their wives, but they feel shame about wanting them. Which creates this horrible dynamic where men are simultaneously pursuing and apologizing for pursuing.

Both people end up feeling terrible about themselves. Women feel broken for not wanting sex. Men feel broken for wanting it. And nobody talks about it because the shame keeps everyone silent.

The Descent Into Duty

What happens next is almost mathematical in its predictability. When sex becomes an obligation rather than a choice, when you start having sex because you’re supposed to rather than because you want to, resentment builds.

Every time Melissa had sex out of obligation, she was teaching her body that sex equals pressure, discomfort, disconnect. Her body started responding accordingly – creating less arousal, less lubrication, sometimes even pain. Which made the experience even less desirable. Which meant more avoidance. Which created more pressure from David.

The cycle feeds itself. And women don’t talk about it because we’re told this makes us bad wives, broken, frigid. So we white-knuckle through it and pretend everything’s fine until one day we realize: we would actually be completely fine never having sex again.

This is what obligation does to desire. Every single time. You cannot obligate someone into wanting you. You cannot guilt someone into desire. You cannot pressure someone into arousal.

When women tell me they’d be fine never having sex again, they’re not actually saying they hate sex. They’re saying they hate what sex has become – this thing they’re supposed to want, this duty they’re supposed to perform, this test they’re constantly failing.

The Male Perspective

Now, from a husband’s perspective, hearing “I’d be fine never having sex again” feels catastrophic.

David told me it was like Melissa was saying she was fine never connecting with him again, never choosing him again, never wanting him again. “It felt like she was giving up on our marriage,” he said. “Like she was telling me I don’t matter.”

And I get it. In a culture that teaches men that their worth is tied to their ability to satisfy their wives sexually, that their masculinity is measured by their wife’s desire for them, this statement hits every wound.

But what’s really happening is that both Melissa and David are stuck in a pattern where neither one is getting what they actually want. Melissa doesn’t want to feel pressured and obligated. David doesn’t want duty sex with a partner who’s just enduring it. They’re both miserable, but they don’t know how to get out.

The fear that many men feel when their wives express this sentiment is real and valid. But it’s often making the problem worse. Because when men respond to “I’d be fine never having sex again” with more pressure – more asking, more pursuing, more trying to convince – they’re confirming exactly what created the problem in the first place.

Why Men Double Down on Pressure

So why do men respond this way? Why do they add more pressure when pressure is what killed desire in the first place?

It’s not because they’re clueless or uncaring. It’s because they’re panicking.

When something important feels like it’s slipping away, the human instinct is to grab harder. David told me he felt like he was watching his marriage dissolve in real time. “Every day she said no felt like another day closer to divorce,” he said. “I thought if I didn’t keep trying, if I just let it go, we’d become roommates and that would be it.”

That panic makes men do more of what isn’t working because they genuinely don’t know what else to do. Most men have never been taught any other way to pursue their wives. They learned that persistence pays off, that if you just try hard enough, say the right thing, do the right thing, you can change someone’s mind. That’s literally how many men were taught to court women – keep asking, keep pursuing, don’t give up.

But there’s something deeper happening too. For many men, sexual connection isn’t just about physical release. It’s about feeling wanted. Feeling chosen. Feeling like they matter to the person who matters most to them.

When Melissa said she’d be fine never having sex again, David didn’t just hear “I don’t want sex.” He heard “I don’t want you. I don’t choose you. You don’t matter.” And that hit him at his core identity – as a man, as a husband, as someone worthy of being desired.

So he pursued harder because backing off felt like giving up on himself, on his worth, on his marriage. It felt existential. And when something feels like it’s threatening your entire identity, you fight. You don’t calmly step back and give space.

The other piece is that most men fundamentally misunderstand how desire works. They think it’s logical. They think if they can just make the right argument, do the right things, be good enough, loving enough, helpful enough – then desire will follow. They approach it like a problem to solve: identify what’s wrong, fix it, get the result.

But desire doesn’t work that way. You cannot logic someone into wanting you. You cannot earn desire through good behavior. And you absolutely cannot pressure someone into arousal.

David had to learn that his pursuit wasn’t showing love – it was showing fear. And Melissa could feel that fear. Every time he asked, she felt the weight of his need, his desperation, his panic. And that made her want to run further away.

When men understand this – when they see that the pressure comes from their own fear and pain, not from any strategy or belief that it will work – they can start to manage that fear differently. They can learn that backing off isn’t giving up. It’s actually the only thing that creates space for desire to return.

Pressure kills desire. Every time.

What Actually Changes This

So what breaks the cycle? Both partners have to be willing to learn some skills that most of us never developed.

For women, the first skill is learning to reconnect with your own desire. Not the desire you think you’re supposed to have, not the desire that would make you a good wife, but your actual, authentic desire.

Melissa had to get really honest with herself. What did she actually want? When did she feel desire? What turned her on? These weren’t questions about David – they were questions about her. And for months, she had no idea how to answer them because she’d spent so long disconnecting from her own wants.

One of the most helpful things Melissa learned was understanding responsive desire versus spontaneous desire. She kept thinking something was wrong with her because she didn’t just randomly want sex throughout the day. She’d compare herself to David, who would think about sex spontaneously, feel desire out of nowhere, initiate from that place of already wanting.

But most women – and many men too – experience responsive desire. They don’t walk around feeling horny. Their desire responds to stimulus, to connection, to context. They need to be in the right headspace, feel emotionally connected, experience physical touch that feels good – and then desire shows up in response to those things.

This was huge for Melissa. She wasn’t broken for not spontaneously wanting sex. Her desire worked differently than she’d been taught it should. And once she understood that, she could start paying attention to what actually did spark her desire. What contexts made her open to sex? What kind of touch felt good? What emotional connection did she need first?

She started small. Noticing when she felt attracted to David – not forcing it, just noticing. Paying attention to what felt good in her body rather than just going through the motions. Giving herself permission to say no when she genuinely didn’t want sex, which paradoxically made it easier to say yes when she did.

The boundary work was huge. Melissa had to learn that she could protect herself without building walls. She could say “I’m not available for sex right now” without it meaning “I don’t love you” or “I’m never having sex with you again.” Just: right now, this doesn’t work for me.

And when she stopped having sex out of obligation, something shifted. Not immediately – this isn’t a quick fix. But slowly, she started to notice desire coming back. Little sparks of curiosity. Moments of genuine want.

For men, the skill is learning to back off the pressure while staying connected emotionally. This is incredibly hard because it feels counterintuitive. It feels like giving up.

David had to learn that his desire for Melissa was not her responsibility to manage. His wants around sex were his to handle. Not by suppressing them or pretending they didn’t exist, but by regulating his own emotions around them instead of making them Melissa’s problem to solve.

This meant learning to manage his disappointment when Melissa said no. Learning to stay emotionally connected to her even when they weren’t having sex. Learning to stop tracking and scorekeeping and pressuring.

At first, David was terrified this meant they’d never have sex again. “If I stop asking, she’ll never initiate,” he said. “She’s basically giving me permission to live in a sexless marriage.”

But when he actually backed off – when he stopped the pressure and the pouting and the tracking – Melissa had space to miss him. Space to notice her own desire without the weight of his wants crushing it.

Staying Connected While You Work

One of the most common questions I get is: what do we do in the meantime? While we’re working on these skills and things aren’t fixed yet?

This is where many couples make a critical mistake. They either completely stop all physical affection because it “might lead somewhere,” or they white-knuckle through sex that neither person is really enjoying because they’re scared of losing connection entirely.

Both approaches make the problem worse.

Melissa and David had to learn to maintain physical connection without the pressure of it leading to sex. This meant touch that was genuinely just about connection – holding hands, hugging, sitting close on the couch, kissing without expectation.

At first, Melissa was suspicious of any touch from David. “I couldn’t let him hug me without wondering if he was trying to initiate,” she said. “So I’d tense up every time he came near me.”

David had to learn to touch Melissa with no agenda. Just connection. Just affection. No strategic touching designed to get her in the mood. No hope that this hug might turn into something more. Just: I like being close to you.

This is hard for men because it requires giving up the goal-oriented approach to touch. But it’s essential. Women can’t relax into physical affection when they’re constantly on guard against it turning into a sexual request.

They also had to stay emotionally connected. This meant actual conversations, not just logistics and kid schedules. It meant David continuing to pursue Melissa emotionally even when sex was off the table. Date nights. Talking about things that mattered. Being interested in each other’s lives.

Many men make the mistake of withdrawing emotionally when sex isn’t happening. They sulk. They disconnect. They punish their wives through emotional distance. And women shut down even more in response.

The paradox is that emotional connection creates the conditions for sexual desire to return. But you can’t create emotional connection as a strategy to get sex. It has to be genuine. David had to actually want to be close to Melissa, to know her, to connect with her – regardless of whether it led to sex.

And Melissa had to let him in. She had to risk being vulnerable, sharing herself, staying open – even though she was scared and hurt and didn’t trust him yet. She had to give him something to connect to instead of just building walls.

This is delicate work. Both people taking steps toward each other while managing their own emotions and not making the other person responsible for their feelings. Most couples need help with this because it’s easy to fall back into old patterns when you’re scared and hurt.

When There’s More Going On

Sometimes, though, the issue isn’t just about obligation killing desire. Sometimes there are deeper issues that need professional attention.

If there’s unresolved trauma – sexual trauma, childhood trauma, any kind of trauma – that’s affecting your sexual relationship, you need a therapist who specializes in trauma work. Coaching can help with skills, but trauma needs specific therapeutic intervention.

If there’s physical pain during sex – and I mean any pain, not just severe pain – you need to see a pelvic floor physical therapist and potentially your gynecologist. Pain is not normal. Pain is not something you should just endure. And pain absolutely kills desire because your body is smart – it’s protecting you from something that hurts.

Melissa actually had some pain that she’d been ignoring. “I thought that was just how sex was,” she said. “I thought I was supposed to push through it.” But once she saw a pelvic floor PT and addressed the physical issues, sex became dramatically different. You can’t build genuine desire when sex physically hurts.

If there are medical issues affecting libido – hormonal imbalances, thyroid issues, side effects from medications, postpartum changes, perimenopause – those need medical attention. Sometimes low desire has a physical cause that needs to be addressed alongside the relational work.

And if there’s been infidelity, addiction, significant betrayal – those are their own issues that need specific attention. You can’t just skill-build your way through major betrayals. You need specialized help.

None of this means coaching isn’t valuable. But coaching works best when you’re addressing everything that’s affecting your sexual relationship, not just the skill deficits. Sometimes you need multiple kinds of support happening simultaneously.

The Long Game

You need to understand something: if you’re in a pattern where obligation has killed desire, getting out of that pattern takes time. Months, not weeks. Sometimes longer.

Melissa and David worked on this for almost a year before things really shifted. And the shift wasn’t sudden – it was gradual. Small moments of genuine connection. Instances where Melissa initiated not because she felt obligated but because she wanted to. Times when David felt disappointed but managed it without making Melissa responsible for fixing it.

The work required both of them. Melissa couldn’t just wait for David to change, and David couldn’t just wait for Melissa to want him again. They both had to develop new skills.

For Melissa: reconnecting with her body, understanding her responsive desire, setting boundaries without building walls, learning what she actually wanted sexually, communicating clearly without guilt.

For David: managing his emotions, backing off pressure, staying connected without making sex the measure of connection, celebrating Melissa’s yeses without guilting her nos, learning to touch without agenda.

These are skills. You can learn them. But most people don’t, because we’re taught that if you love each other enough, if you’re compatible enough, if you try hard enough, sex should just work naturally.

It doesn’t. Sexual connection in long-term marriage is a skill that has to be practiced and developed and refined. And when you’ve gotten into a pattern where obligation has killed desire, you’re starting from a difficult place – but not an impossible one.

What Becomes Possible

Now, about eighteen months into their work, Melissa described sex completely differently. “I actually think about him during the day sometimes,” she told me. “Not in an obligation way – in a wanting way. I’ll remember something from the last time we were together and feel excited about the next time.”

That’s what becomes possible when you remove obligation from sex. Melissa wasn’t forcing herself to want David. She genuinely did. And David could feel the difference – she was choosing him, not enduring him.

Sex became playful again. They could laugh. They could try things and have them not work and it wasn’t a referendum on their entire relationship. Melissa could say “that doesn’t feel good” without David spiraling into rejection. David could express what he wanted without Melissa feeling pressured.

The frequency actually increased – but that wasn’t the goal, and it wasn’t what made the difference. What mattered was that when they had sex, both people wanted to be there. Both people were choosing it. The energy was completely different.

Melissa told me that one night she initiated, and halfway through she had this moment of clarity: “I want to be here. I want him. I want this.” And she started crying because she’d forgotten what that felt like – to choose sex from genuine desire rather than obligation.

David said that shift changed everything for him too. “I realized I didn’t actually want duty sex,” he said. “I thought I did – I thought any sex was better than no sex. But being wanted? Being chosen? That’s what I actually wanted all along.”

The shame lifted for both of them. Melissa stopped feeling broken for how her desire works. David stopped feeling like a monster for wanting his wife. They both learned that their sexual relationship could be something they created together instead of something they fought over.

When obligation isn’t running the show, sex becomes a place of freedom and connection rather than pressure and performance. You can explore what you both actually enjoy instead of just checking a box. You can be present with each other instead of mentally gone. You can create something together instead of one person performing for the other.

And when sex is built on genuine desire from both people – not perfect desire, not constant desire, but real, authentic wanting – it sustains itself. Because you’re both bringing energy to it rather than one person trying to extract energy from the other.

Moving Forward

If you’re a woman who resonates with “I’d be fine never having sex again,” I want you to know: that doesn’t make you broken. It makes you human. Obligation kills desire in everyone – it’s not a you problem, it’s a human problem.

But you do have work to do. You have to learn to reconnect with your own desire. You have to understand how your desire actually works – whether it’s responsive or spontaneous. You have to learn to set boundaries and communicate what you want and don’t want. You have to learn to protect yourself without shutting down entirely. And if there are physical or trauma issues, you need to address those with the right professionals.

And if you’re a man whose wife has said this, or something like it, I know how scary that feels. But your response matters. More pressure will make it worse. Pouting will make it worse. Tracking and scorekeeping will make it worse. Withdrawing emotionally will make it worse.

What helps is backing off the pressure while staying emotionally connected. Managing your own disappointment. Celebrating her yeses without guilting her nos. Creating space for her desire to come back without demanding it. Learning to touch without agenda. Staying curious about who she is instead of just focused on what you want from her.

This is coaching work. These are skills that most of us don’t naturally have, and trying to figure them out on your own while you’re stuck in painful patterns is incredibly difficult. Getting help isn’t a sign that your marriage is broken – it’s a sign that you’re committed to developing the skills that create the marriage you actually want.

The sex life Melissa and David have now – where they’re both genuinely wanting each other, where there’s freedom and playfulness and choice, where the shame is gone and they can just enjoy each other – that’s available to you too. But it requires both of you doing the work to build new skills and create a new dynamic. It’s worth it.

Alright my friends, that’s all I have for you today. Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. I’ll see you next week…ba-bye.