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I got a message from a listener recently that said, “One thing that has really helped my husband and me more than anything this year is mutual masturbation. It has been extremely liberating to be able to pleasure ourselves in front of each other and be comfortable with it and also learn how each other like to be pleased.”

When I read that, I thought – yes! This is one of those sexual experiences that doesn’t get talked about nearly enough, especially in conservative religious communities. We often think of sex as this very specific script – penetration, orgasm, done. But what this listener discovered is something that can be incredibly connecting, educational, and honestly, really hot.

Now, I want to clarify something right from the start. Technically, masturbation is a solo activity. When you’re touching yourself while your spouse is also touching themselves, and you’re both present and engaged with each other – that’s sex. It’s a sexual experience you’re sharing together. The reason people call it “mutual masturbation” is just to distinguish it from other types of sexual activity, but don’t let the terminology fool you into thinking it’s somehow less than or not “real” sex.

Why This Matters More Than You Think

Marissa and Todd had been married for twelve years, and their sex life had become pretty predictable. They knew what worked – or at least, what got them both to orgasm most of the time. But Marissa came to me feeling disconnected during sex. She said, “I know he loves me, but during sex, I often feel like he’s just… doing what he thinks he’s supposed to do. I don’t think he actually knows what I want.”

When we dug into it, I asked her, “Have you shown him?” She immediately got uncomfortable. “Like… touch myself in front of him?” The idea felt awkward to her. Vulnerable. Maybe even a little shameful. But that vulnerability is exactly where the magic happens.

Now, before we go further, I need to address something important. You can’t show your spouse what you like if you don’t know what you like. For many people, especially women who grew up with messages that touching yourself was wrong or shameful, there hasn’t been any exploration. You might have gone straight from “don’t touch yourself” to “now you’re married and supposed to have great sex” without ever learning your own body.

And I know many of you are sitting here thinking, “Well, isn’t masturbation still wrong even in marriage?” No. It’s not. Self-pleasure, self-education, touching yourself to learn your body – none of that is wrong in marriage. If you want to dive deeper into the theology and cultural messages around this, check out episode 134, Masturbation in the Church. The only time masturbation becomes problematic in marriage is if you’re hiding it from your spouse or preferring it over sexual connection with your spouse. We talk about that specifically in episode 243, Masturbation in Marriage. But learning your body? Figuring out what brings you pleasure? That’s not just okay – it’s actually important for your sexual relationship with your spouse.

If that’s you, this sexual experience with your spouse might need to start with some solo exploration first. You need to know what kind of touch feels good, what pressure works, what rhythm your body responds to. You can’t teach someone else about your pleasure if you haven’t discovered it yourself.

The first benefit of touching yourself with your spouse watching is that it’s the clearest form of sexual communication that exists. You can tell someone what you want all day long, but watching them experience pleasure – seeing exactly where they touch, how much pressure they use, what rhythm they prefer – that’s education you can’t get any other way. But that education only works if you actually know what you’re doing when you touch yourself.

Marissa eventually worked up the courage to try this with Todd. The first time was awkward. She kept her eyes closed. She felt self-conscious. But Todd was completely captivated. He told her later, “I had no idea. I’ve been touching you all wrong for years.” That might sound deflating, but for Marissa, it was a relief. Finally, he could actually see what her body responded to.

Learning Goes Both Ways

What’s equally important is that this kind of sexual experience works both ways. Erica had been married to James for eight years, and she’d been trying to figure out how to help him have better orgasms. He could climax during sex, but it always took a long time, and she often felt like she was doing something wrong. She’d ask him what he wanted, and he’d say, “What you’re doing is great,” but it didn’t feel great to either of them.

When James finally touched himself while Erica watched, she was surprised. The pressure he used was much firmer than she’d been using. The speed was faster. The angle was different. All these little details she couldn’t have known without seeing it. The next time they had sex, she incorporated what she’d learned, and James actually said, “Whoa – that’s… that’s really good.”

This is the second major benefit: when you can see what brings your spouse pleasure, you become a better lover. Not because you’re following some generic advice from a magazine, but because you’re learning your spouse’s specific body and preferences.

The Vulnerability Creates Connection

But beyond the educational component, there’s something even more powerful happening when you touch yourself in front of your spouse. You’re allowing yourself to be completely vulnerable. You’re saying, “I’m going to pursue my own pleasure right in front of you, and I’m going to trust that you won’t judge me for it.”

Even though we’ve already established that self-pleasure in marriage isn’t wrong, those old shame messages don’t just disappear overnight. You might intellectually know that touching yourself is okay, but actually doing it in front of your spouse can still trigger all those feelings of being selfish or inappropriate. That’s the vulnerability – doing something that your brain has been telling you is wrong for years, and trusting that your spouse sees it differently.

But sexual vulnerability builds intimacy. Not the kind of surface-level intimacy where you’re both performing what you think sex is supposed to look like, but deep intimacy where you’re both willing to be seen in your most genuine state of pleasure.

Marissa told me that after a few months of incorporating this into their sex life, something shifted. “I used to feel like I had to perform during sex – make the right noises, move the right way. But when I’m touching myself and he’s watching, I’m not performing. I’m just… experiencing. And somehow that’s made all of our sex feel more authentic.”

Getting Consent Right

Now, before anyone rushes off to try this, let’s talk about consent. I want to be clear – if you’re having sex with your spouse and you touch yourself during that experience, that’s totally fine. You’re one flesh. It doesn’t matter whose hand is where. But what we’re talking about here is different. We’re talking about the intentional act of masturbating in front of your spouse specifically so they can watch and learn, or because you think it would be hot for them to see. That’s a different experience than just incorporating self-touch during sex, and it requires a conversation first.

You can’t just decide one day that you’re going to masturbate in front of your spouse because you want them to learn or because you think it’ll turn them on. That conversation needs to happen outside the bedroom, when you’re both clothed and not in a sexual context.

You might say something like, “I heard something interesting about couples who touch themselves together as part of their sex life as a way to learn and understand each other’s sexual preferences better. Would you be open to talking about whether that’s something we’d want to try?” Notice – you’re not assuming they’ll want to, and you’re not pushing for an immediate yes. You’re opening a conversation.

If your spouse is hesitant, that’s okay. Ask what their concerns are. Are they worried it will feel awkward? Are they nervous about being watched? Do they have shame around touching themselves? These are all valid feelings that deserve to be acknowledged.

You might also need to discuss what this would look like in practice. Are you both touching yourselves at the same time? Is one person watching while the other touches themselves? Are you lying next to each other, or positioned so you can see each other clearly? What about if one person wants to add in touching the other person – is that okay, or does that shift the experience into something different?

The consent conversation also needs to include what happens with orgasm. Are you both trying to climax this way? Is it okay if one person finishes and the other doesn’t? Can it transition into other sexual activity, or is this its own complete experience? These details matter.

Either person should be able to stop at any time if it doesn’t feel good anymore. Maybe you try it and realize you’re not comfortable. Maybe it feels great at first but then you start feeling self-conscious. You should be able to say, “Actually, I want to stop,” and have that be completely respected with no pressure or guilt.

When It Might Not Be Helpful

This isn’t going to be the right fit for every couple, and that’s okay. There are some scenarios where mutual masturbation might not be beneficial or might even be harmful to the relationship.

If there’s a significant desire discrepancy in your marriage, and the lower desire spouse is already feeling pressured or obligated around sex, adding another sexual activity – even one that’s supposedly “easier” – might just feel like more obligation. The last thing you want is for someone to feel like they have to perform self-pleasure for their spouse’s viewing pleasure. That completely defeats the purpose of vulnerability and authentic pleasure-seeking.

I worked with a couple – let’s call them Lauren and David – where David thought this would be a great solution to their desire discrepancy. He figured if Lauren didn’t want penetrative sex, maybe she’d be up for this instead. But Lauren was already exhausted by the frequency of David’s requests for sexual activity. When he brought up mutual masturbation, she heard, “Here’s another thing I’m supposed to do to meet your sexual wants.” That’s not consent. That’s coercion dressed up as a new sexual experience.

This also might not work well if there’s unresolved shame or trauma around sexuality. If someone is still working through purity culture messaging or has a history of sexual trauma, being watched while experiencing pleasure might feel exposing in a harmful way rather than in a connecting way. Therapy or coaching might need to happen first to address those underlying issues before this kind of vulnerability feels safe.

And honestly, some people just won’t be interested, and that’s completely fine. Not every sexual activity has to appeal to everyone. If you bring this up with your spouse and they say, “That’s really not something I’m comfortable with,” you need to respect that without trying to convince them or make them feel like they’re being unreasonable.

Why It Feels Hard (And How to Make It Easier)

This can feel incredibly awkward, especially the first time. You’re doing something that you’ve probably done privately your entire adult life, and now you’re doing it with an audience of one. That’s vulnerable in a way that even other sexual activities might not be.

Or maybe you haven’t done it privately. Maybe you’re one of those people who never really explored your own body because of shame or religious messaging or just never having the privacy or permission. If that’s the case, trying to do this with your spouse watching might feel overwhelming. You might not even know where to start or what to do. That’s okay – but it might mean you need some solo exploration time first to figure out what actually feels good to you before you try to share that with your spouse.

Marissa told me that the first time she tried this with Todd, she couldn’t keep her eyes open. She kept them squeezed shut the whole time because making eye contact felt like too much. And you know what? That was okay. Todd still got to watch. She still got to experience her own pleasure with him present. The eye contact came later, after she’d built up more comfort with the vulnerability.

If you’re the one touching yourself, you might feel self-conscious about how you look, the faces you make, the sounds you make, how long it takes. All of that is normal. The way through that self-consciousness is not to try to perform or look a certain way – it’s to focus on what actually feels good and trust that your spouse wants to see your genuine pleasure, not some pornographic version of it.

If you’re the one watching, you might feel uncertain about what to do. Should you say something? Should you be quiet? Should you touch yourself too? This is where that pre-conversation about expectations becomes really important. Some people want feedback – “That’s so hot,” or “I love watching you.” Other people want silence so they can focus on their own sensations. Figure out together what feels right.

You can also start smaller if jumping straight into this feels like too much. Maybe you begin by touching yourself under the covers while your spouse is next to you – they know what you’re doing but can’t see everything. Or maybe you keep most of your clothes on at first. Or maybe you do this in dim lighting instead of bright light. There’s no rule that says you have to go from zero to fully exposed immediately.

Erica and James started by touching themselves at the same time but not really watching each other – they were both just present in the same space. Then they progressed to being positioned where they could see each other if they wanted to look. Eventually, they got to a place where they could maintain eye contact while touching themselves, and Erica said that was when it shifted from awkward to incredibly intimate.

What This Really Does for Your Relationship

The underlying benefit of this kind of sexual experience is that it challenges the performance mentality that so many of us bring to sex. When you’re touching yourself for your own pleasure – not to make your spouse climax, not to prove you’re a good lover, not to check a box – you’re reclaiming your sexuality as something that belongs to you, not something you owe someone else.

And when your spouse gets to witness that, they’re seeing you as a fully sexual person who has wants and desires and knows how to pursue them. That’s attractive. That builds desire. Because nobody wants to be with someone who’s just going through the motions – we want to be with someone who genuinely wants pleasure and is willing to be vulnerable enough to seek it in front of us.

Marissa told me something several months after she and Todd started incorporating this into their sex life. She said, “I used to think that being a good wife meant being available for sex whenever he wanted it. But now I understand that being a good wife means being a full person with my own sexuality, and inviting him into that. It’s completely changed how I think about all of our sexual experiences together.”

The educational component is valuable. The vulnerability is powerful. But what might be most important is the shift in thinking – from sex as something you do for each other, to sex as something you experience together while both being fully present in your own bodies and pleasure.

So if this is something you’re curious about, have the conversation. Talk about what it might look like for you as a couple. Address concerns and boundaries. And if you both decide to try it, give yourself grace for the awkwardness. Give yourself permission to stop if it doesn’t feel right. And give yourself the gift of being seen – fully, vulnerably, authentically – by your spouse.

Alright my friends, that’s all I have for you today. Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. I’ll see you next week…ba-bye.