I believe sex is meant to be good, and I believe you can be fully sexual and fully faithful at the same time. Most of the men, women, and couples I coach were never taught how to do that. They were taught to guard against sex for years, and no one ever taught them how to embrace it once they were married. So they arrive at marriage fluent in “no” with no practice at “yes,” and then wonder why it feels so hard.
I’m a Latter-day Saint and a Certified Sex and Marriage Coach. I’ve been coaching individuals and couples since 2018, and I host the Sex for Saints podcast. What I teach comes from doing this work in my own marriage first. I spent most of my first marriage hating sex, having it out of obligation, and believing something was wrong with me. It wasn’t my body. It was my relationship with myself and everything I believed about sex, my worth, and my marriage.
Where the shame comes from
The Law of Chastity and purity culture teaches restraint before marriage. That teaching is important. But, what almost no one teaches is the other half; how to move toward sex once you’re married. Add a century of cultural messaging, including the familiar teaching that sexual sin is “next to murder,” and a lot of good people end up believing their own desire is dangerous. Understanding where a belief came from is the first step to deciding whether you still want to carry it. That decision is yours to make.
Better technique isn’t the answer
When things get hard, people reach for the mechanics. More frequency, better moves, the right advice. That’s rarely where the real issue lives. Usually it’s in how you relate to yourself and to your spouse, and when that changes, sex changes. This is the work I do with individuals and couples, because individual growth is often where a couple’s change begins.
When it’s trauma, a therapist comes first
Coaching is education, tools, and forward action. It is not therapy. If there’s trauma, whether sexual trauma, abuse, or something that still has a grip on your body and your sense of safety, a licensed therapist is the right person, not a coach. I’m not a mental health professional, I don’t diagnose or treat, and when what you’re carrying belongs with a therapist, I’ll tell you and help you find one. Sometimes therapy and coaching work well side by side. Getting yourself the right help is part of the work too.
Faith and sexuality aren’t in conflict
You don’t have to leave your religion to enjoy sex, and you don’t have to bury your sexuality to keep your faith. I believe you were meant to hold both. It’s why the people I work with tend to want a coach who shares their faith. I understand the theology, the culture, and the language of worthiness and covenant, because I live it. I’m not translating your experience from a secular framework, and I’ll still tell you the truth about sex.
One thing I don’t do: I don’t treat pornography as an addiction, and I don’t think panic helps anyone. It’s common, it usually points to something worth understanding, and each person still has their own work and their own choices to own.
How I help
I work with men, women, and couples. Individual coaching is one on one work for a married person ready to change their relationship with sex, with themselves, and with their marriage. Couples coaching helps two people understand the dynamics they’ve built together and create a more connected, passionate marriage. My Embrace You! Elite Society membership is for women who want to embrace their sexuality and love their sex life for themselves. I also offer an engaged couples course for those who want to start marriage on a healthier footing.
The Sex for Saints podcast is the best free place to start, with new episodes every week. If you’re a Christian or Latter-day Saint man, woman, or couple who’s tired of dreading sex, carrying shame, or feeling stuck, reach out at AmandaLouder.com. I’d love to help.
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