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I recently got a question in my membership that said “I have apparently forgotten how to flirt. I’ve been keeping most conversations logistical, about household or job responsibilities. I also feel hesitant or scared of flirting.  I believe flirting will help us stop interacting just as business partners but I feel like I have forgotten how to flirt.  Where’s the Flirting 101 course?”

I feel like so many of my clients and maybe a lot of you feel the same way, so I thought this was a perfect topic to bring to the podcast to answer some questions.

So first let’s talk about what flirting is.  Flirting is a process of signaling to someone that you find them interesting and want to engage with them further.  It can also convey sexual interest to someone.  It can include gestures, body  language, and direct or indirect overtures.  It can be a fun, lighthearted activity, though it can involve an invitation to connect on a deeper, more meaningful level.  

When it comes to dating, flirting often showed someone that you wanted to date them and to see if there was romantic potential.  Within marriage, flirting can convey sexual interest but sometimes you flirt just to make the other person feel good, to boost your own self-esteem, or even just be playful and have fun with your spouse.

As the woman who wrote in about not knowing how to flirt anymore, when we are married, we often get out of the habit of sending fun signals to our spouse, of having fun, and keeping the chemistry alive.  We often fall into patterns of just talking shop.  Conversations are all about logistics and kids.  It’s important to keep that playful fun alive.  Marriage is about so much more than just whose turn it is to take Johnny to soccer practice and what we are having for dinner.  Flirting can help maintain your connection as a couple, it can be a way to have fun together and add excitement.  Flirting can increase sex and deepen emotional intimacy.  It improves communication, enhances self-esteem and confidence, and add positive energy to the relationship.   Often those who stop flirting feel a sense of mundaness, that their relationships are boring, that they’ve lost the spark, and are just good business partners or roommates.  Marriage is about so much more than that!

So, how do you flirt? 

1  Don’t try to be someone you are not

We often have an idea of what we think flirting is supposed to look like.  Cheesy one-liners or batting your eyelashes are two things that come to mind.  But being able to flirt is really just learning to be yourself and being at ease with who you are.  Flirting is really about confidence.  Being your true self and owning it.  That is what draws people in.

We all have part of ourselves or our lives that we struggle with.  Owning the parts that are messy can help your spouse be more open with you.  Openness is what creates intimacy.

When someone is confident in who they are, when they are at ease with themselves, it makes YOU feel good.  It makes YOU want to be open, whether you realize it or not.  

2  You go first

So many times in relationships we want something, but we are afraid to go first.  We want the other person to go first and break the ice so that we don’t have to feel so awkward, nervous, and vulnerable.  

It’s so important to embrace the awkward and be willing to be open and vulnerable, even if your spouse isn’t quite ready for it.  Let’s be honest, if you haven’t flirted in a while, doing it is probably going to catch them off guard.  That’s ok!  Be the one who is willing to do it and to get the ball rolling.

And if you feel like you are the one who ALWAYS has to do it first, rather than thinking that in a bad way and that your spouse never makes the effort, remember that someone always has to and who better than you.

3  Keep it simple

Flirting doesn’t have to be over the top or cheesy.  Even asking your spouse to go on a date, going for a walk or asking them thoughtful questions can be flirtatious.  You can even flirt with photos, memes, or emojis if you and your spouse are into that.

4  Pay attention to your body language

How you position your body can tell someone a lot about your intentions.  You want your spouse to know that you are paying attention and want to engage with them.  Doing things like making eye contact, smiling, moving your body in closer, touching them can all give them cues that you are interested.  We do these things naturally when we like someone, so don’t force it.  Remember, you want to be yourself, so do things that are natural to you.

5  Compliment them

Everyone likes sincere compliments.  And not just on looks but also on their character.  People love feeling seen and appreciated for who they truly are.  Telling them what you see is connecting.

Also complimenting them in front of others.  When you can talk them up around others, it can really boost their confidence too!

6  Don’t overdo it

If you overthink this, you are probably going to overdo it as well.  You’ll come across unauthentic, which is the last thing you want.  Don’t try to manufacture something that isn’t there.  Look at what is and talk about it.  Look for the unexpected.  

7  Focus on them, not you

If you are too busy in the moment thinking about yourself and how you must look or sound, you are missing out being present in the moment.  You’re missing out on actually connecting.  Focus on them and not yourself.

8  Pay attention to how they are responding

If you can see they are into it, keep at it.  If you make the first move and it isn’t reciprocated, that’s ok.  You can try again later.  Don’t just try harder to get them to respond.

Now, this question was brought up by a woman who wants to start flirting with her husband again.  She wants things to be fun in their relationship so the sexual relationship can develop naturally from it.

If you are a man and think flirting with your wife is the way you are going to get her to have sex with you, you really need to pay attention to how she responds.  Are you flirting at a time that is good for her (ie. not when she is busy doing other things)?  Are you grabbing or groping her? Most women don’t consider that flirtatious and it will usually not get you what you ultimately want.  Women want to know that you want them for more than just sex.  They want to be seen and heard and know that you understand them.  That kind of flirting is going to get you much better results.

Flirting is so personal.  So find what works between the two of you.  Hopefully you’ve figured out that neither you nor your spouse are mind readers, so you’ve got to ask questions and figure out what they specifically like.  Showing that you care and care about them and their likes and dislikes is a good step.

So here are 15 ways to flirt with your spouse.  Figure out which ones work best for the two of you.

1. Play “your song” in the car
2. Put a flirty note in their lunch, on their laptop, or in their car
3. Ask them on a date
4. Tell them you love them when they least expect it
5. Send a sexy selfie.  
6. Be a little touchy
7. Rub their foot under the table
8. Kiss them when it’s unexpected
9. Compliment them
10. Whisper something sweet
11. Give them an unexpected gift
12. Check them out and make sure they see you
13. Call them a flirty name
14. Hold their hand when walking or in the car
15. Send flirty texts like
    • I miss you!
    • How did I get so lucky to marry someone like you?
    • I want all of you…right now
    • I miss your touch
    • You should come home early
    • Last night was amazing
    • I’ve got a surprise for you tonight
    • I’m wearing lingerie under my clothes

Now one part of my clients message hasn’t been addressed yet.  She said she felt hesitant and scared to flirt, and that’s totally understandable.  Sometimes we are afraid to put ourselves out there because we might be rejected or made fun of.  This is a really normal response from our brain trying to keep us emotionally safe.  But staying safe isn’t going to keep that marriage fun and exciting.  So acknowledge the feelings of hesitancy, embarrassment, and fear and do it anyway.  And if you need some coaching around this, don’t forget I am opening up the doors to the Embrace You Elite Society again Dec 11-17.