Blog

We all know that sex can be a wonderful way to connect with our spouses. It can bring us closer, enhance our intimacy, and strengthen our bond. A little over a year ago, I was at an event with a lot of women.  A woman sat down by me and asked me a really important question.  What if the sex is really good, but the rest of the marriage isn’t great?  Is this a problem?  She and I talked about it in length that night, and I also decided it would be a good conversation to address here on the podcast.  So, what happens when we start using sex to cover up deeper issues within ourselves or within our marriages? Today, we’re going to explore this very question…using sex as a bandaid.

Using Sex to Cover Up Personal Issues

Let’s start with the personal side of things. Sometimes, individuals use sex to avoid dealing with their own internal struggles. These struggles can range from low self-esteem and insecurity to anxiety and even depression.

Example 1: Self-Esteem and Validation

Imagine you’re feeling insecure about your self-worth. Maybe you’re struggling with body image or feeling inadequate in some areas of your life. In these situations, it’s easy to seek validation through sex. The immediate pleasure and affection can temporarily make you feel better about yourself. But here’s the thing – it’s just a temporary fix. Once the moment is over, those feelings of inadequacy often come rushing back, and the cycle begins again.

Think about Jane, who constantly battles with her self-image. She feels she’s not attractive enough or successful enough, and this eats away at her confidence. Whenever these feelings of inadequacy spike, she seeks comfort through sex with her husband. The physical closeness makes her feel wanted and valued, albeit briefly. However, this doesn’t address her underlying issues with self-esteem. Instead, Jane finds herself needing more frequent reassurance through sex, creating a dependency that strains her relationship in other ways.

Example 2: Avoiding Emotional Pain

Another common scenario is using sex to avoid dealing with emotional pain or trauma. Perhaps you’ve experienced a significant loss or are going through a tough time emotionally. Instead of facing those feelings head-on, it can be tempting to use the distraction and physical connection of sex to numb the pain. While it might provide temporary relief, it doesn’t address the root cause of your emotional turmoil.

Consider Mark, who recently lost his job. The loss not only affects him financially but also shakes his sense of identity and purpose. Instead of talking about his fears and anxieties with his wife, he buries those feelings and seeks solace in their sexual relationship. The intimacy helps him escape his worries for a while, but the unresolved emotional pain continues to simmer beneath the surface, leading to greater stress and potential conflicts down the line.

I think most of us have done this at one point in our life or another.  It’s really common.  And by talking about it today on the podcast, my purpose isn’t to shame you or make you feel bad.  My goal is always about bringing awareness to situations so that we can each work to be better.  So yes, you’ve probably done this, but what do you want to do about it going forward?

Using Sex to Cover Up Marital Issues

Now, let’s shift our focus to the marriage itself. Couples can also use sex to paper over cracks in their relationship. This often happens when there are unresolved conflicts, communication breakdowns, or unmet emotional needs.

Example 1: Conflict Avoidance

Picture this: you and your spouse have been arguing more frequently. Instead of having those tough conversations to resolve the conflict, you turn to sex. It’s a way to feel close again without actually addressing the issues at hand. But, as you might guess, this doesn’t solve the underlying problems. The same issues are likely to resurface, leading to more frustration and resentment over time.

Take Sarah and John, for instance. They’ve been having disagreements about finances, with both feeling unheard and misunderstood. Rather than sitting down to discuss their budget and financial goals, they find it easier to reconnect through sex. This gives them a temporary sense of peace and unity, but the financial stress and unresolved disagreements continue to cause tension, making the relationship more fragile over time.

Example 2: Emotional Disconnection

Another example is when there’s a lack of emotional intimacy in the relationship. You might find that you’re growing apart, not sharing your thoughts and feelings as much as you used to. Instead of working on rebuilding that emotional connection, you use sex to feel connected. While sex can be a form of intimacy, it can’t replace the deep emotional bond that comes from open, honest communication and mutual understanding.

Lisa and Tom have been married for 15 years. Over time, they’ve become more like roommates than partners, with little emotional sharing or deep conversation. They still have sex regularly, but it feels more like a routine than a meaningful connection. Lisa starts to feel lonely and disconnected, but she doesn’t know how to address it. Using sex as a stand-in for emotional closeness leaves her feeling empty, and the gap between them widens.

The Dangers of Using Sex as a Bandaid

Using sex as a bandaid can lead to several negative consequences. For one, it can create a false sense of security. You might think everything is fine because you’re still physically intimate, but in reality, the underlying issues are still there, festering and growing. Moreover, it can lead to feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction. When sex is used merely as a distraction or a quick fix, it loses its deeper meaning and connection. Over time, this can diminish the overall quality of your sexual relationship and your marriage as a whole.

Imagine being in a relationship where sex becomes a go-to solution for every issue. Initially, it might seem like a good way to maintain connection and keep the peace. But as time goes on, you may start to feel that sex is just a bandage over a wound that’s not healing. This can lead to resentment, frustration, and a sense of emotional distance, even if you’re physically close.

Moving Forward: Healthy Approaches

So, what can we do instead? The key is to face the issues head-on, both within ourselves and within our marriages.

Personal Growth

For personal issues, consider seeking coaching or therapy. Working with a professional can help you address the root causes of your struggles and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Additionally, practice self-care and self-compassion. Building a strong sense of self-worth and emotional resilience takes time, but it’s worth the effort.  This is always the first thing that I address with clients in my program.  At the foundation of a great sexual relationship is a great relationship with yourself.  You truly can’t have one without the other.  

Earlier, we talked about Jane, who has used sex as a way to feel better about herself.  By seeking help, she can work on her self-esteem issues directly. Through coaching, she learns to appreciate herself and find validation within, rather than seeking it solely through sex. This empowers her to have a healthier relationship with both herself and her husband.

Strengthening Your Marriage

For marital issues, open communication is crucial. Have those tough conversations, even if they’re uncomfortable. Work together to resolve conflicts and rebuild your emotional connection. Marriage coaching can also be incredibly beneficial, providing a safe space to explore and address your issues with the guidance of a trained professional while getting help in having those hard conversations.

For Sarah and John, this might mean sitting down to create a budget together, openly discussing their financial concerns, and setting mutual goals. By facing the problem directly, they can find a solution that works for both of them, strengthening their partnership and reducing the need to use sex as a way to avoid conflict.

Conclusion

Sex is a beautiful and important part of any marriage, but it shouldn’t be used as a bandaid to cover up deeper issues. By facing our personal and marital struggles head-on, we can create a more fulfilling and intimate relationship with our spouses.

Thank you for joining me today on Sex for Saints.  Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected.