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Introduction

Creating a collaborative sexual relationship requires intention and patience, but the rewards are profound. When both partners actively participate in building a space that respects and uplifts one another, it strengthens the bond, increases satisfaction, and deepens emotional intimacy. Today, we’ll break down what collaboration in a relationship truly means, why it’s valuable, how it differs from compromise, and practical ways to foster collaboration in your marriage.

What Does Collaboration Mean in Marriage?

Collaboration in marriage isn’t just teamwork; it’s an active, mutual commitment to create a relationship that meets both partners’ needs. It’s about working together to fulfill shared goals and find solutions that respect each person’s unique perspectives, desires, and values.

In the context of a sexual relationship, collaboration means that both partners actively contribute to the intimacy they share. This goes beyond the act of physical intimacy itself and delves into emotional and mental engagement. Both individuals feel heard and validated, which helps them relax and connect on a deeper level.

Imagine planning a weekend getaway where both partners bring different ideas. One partner might be more adventurous, wanting to explore new places, while the other values relaxation and time to connect quietly. Collaboration here would mean designing a getaway that incorporates both the thrill of exploration and moments of rest, creating a balanced experience. In a similar way, in a sexual relationship, collaboration involves both partners contributing ideas, respecting each other’s boundaries, and blending preferences to build a fulfilling, shared experience.

Collaboration vs. Compromise

Most of us have heard that we need to compromise in our relationships.  While compromise is often viewed as a virtue in relationships, it can sometimes lead to frustration if one or both partners feel they are always giving something up. Unlike compromise, which may involve “giving in” or taking turns getting what one wants and is essentially a lose-lose situation, collaboration is about co-creating a path that meets the needs of both individuals and creates a win-win.

Let me elaborate a little bit more about how collaboration differs from compromise.  With compromise, partners may feel they need to settle or adjust personal desires, sometimes leading to one feeling like they’re sacrificing more than the other. Over time, this can create imbalances and potentially breed resentment.  Collaboration instead aims for a “win-win” where both partners feel they are creating and benefiting from the decisions equally. Collaboration takes more effort as it requires listening deeply to one another and creatively integrating both perspectives. It’s not “his way” or “her way” but often finding a third option.

Let’s say one partner enjoys more frequent sex while the other prefers less. Compromise might mean scheduling sex that is less frequent that one wants and more frequent than the other wants.  With this, one one may feel pressured and the other still feels unfulfilled. With collaboration, the couple might design routines or rituals that blend sex with other forms of closeness, honoring both their physical needs and emotional preferences. This helps each partner feel seen, respected, and valued without pressure.

Why is Collaboration Important?

Collaboration is essential because it builds trust and security. When both partners know they are working together and respecting each other’s wants, desires and needs, it fosters a strong foundation of mutual respect and understanding. This approach removes any sense of hierarchy and promotes true unity, which aligns with the goal of a healthy, equal partnership.

Partners feel safe sharing their vulnerabilities and true desires, knowing they won’t be judged or dismissed. Both partners are encouraged to grow together, exploring new aspects of their sex life and intimacy as a team. And it reflects the value of companionship, creating a balanced partnership where each person’s needs and well-being are equally important.

In a collaborative marriage, each partner is uplifted by the knowledge that their spouse is fully invested in their happiness and fulfillment. This creates a fulfilling cycle where each partner’s needs are acknowledged, nurtured, and met over time.

What Happens Without Collaboration?

When collaboration is missing, relationships can fall into a series of imbalanced dynamics. Partners may feel isolated, dismissed, or undervalued, leading to miscommunication, resentment, and an overall lack of intimacy.

Without collaboration, one partner may take a more controlling role, leading the other to feel as though they have no voice. Over time, this can create a lack of trust and intimacy as well as resentment.  Partners in non-collaborative relationships often develop negative stories or assumptions about each other, like “They never listen to me” or “They only care about their needs.”

A one-up, one-down relationship occurs when one partner constantly feels “less than” or “more than” the other. This hierarchy can breed feelings of inadequacy and frustration, making it difficult for both partners to feel safe and valued. In this one-up, one-down dynamic, sexual intimacy can become transactional, forced, or absent altogether. Instead of feeling like a shared connection, intimacy may feel like another “task” or a source of frustration. This is something I address all the time with the couples I coach.  It happens frequently in relationships but is antithetical to intimacy and an equal partnership.

How to Build a Collaborative Sexual Relationship

Fostering collaboration requires a blend of communication, patience, and intentionality. Building a collaborative relationship is a journey, not a destination, and the steps below I am going to outline for you can help cultivate a respectful, thriving partnership.

1. Open Communication: Honest discussions create a safe space where both partners can express their needs and desires. Communication helps identify areas where adjustments are needed and builds empathy. This isn’t just one conversation, sometimes it takes many conversations to work together and find solutions.  
2. Set Shared Intentions: Discuss and agree upon what you both hope to achieve in your sexual relationship. Setting these intentions helps clarify shared goals and makes collaboration a mutual effort.  I suggest sitting down and writing or discussing qualities you both want in your sexual relationship (such as playfulness, spontaneity, or trust) and explore how you can nurture these together.
3. Seek to Understand First: Focus on understanding your partner’s perspective before expecting them to understand yours. This approach ensures both people feel heard and respected, making it easier to work together.  Use “I” statements like, “I feel connected when…” rather than “You never…,” which keeps conversations positive and collaborative.
4. Check-In Regularly: Needs evolve, and regular check-ins allow you to stay on the same page, acknowledging and addressing changes together. Schedule weekly, monthly or quarterly “relationship check-ins” where you can revisit your shared goals and adjust as needed.

It’s important to note that being honest and trying to be more intimate and inviting a collaborative experience creates an opportunity for more collaboration and freedom in the sexual relationship, but does not guarantee it. Your spouse gets to choose whether they want to collaborate back.  However, not being honest and collaborative does guarantee that you won’t have the opportunity. 

Having worked with many couples on this, I truly feel like so much of being able to be collaborative is about doing your own personal work.  If you don’t understand yourself, can’t see others’ perspectives, struggle with emotional regulation, this work of collaborating is so much harder.  So I highly suggest doing your personal work first with either a coach, like myself, or a therapist.

The Covenant of Cleaving, Counseling, and Laboring Together

In the temple, the sealing covenant to cleave, counsel, and labor together is not just symbolic but instructive. It reflects the values necessary for building a unified, collaborative marriage.

• Cleaving: Cleaving means staying connected and committed even through challenges. Collaboration reinforces cleaving by encouraging constant dialogue and prioritizing the relationship.
• Counseling: Involves regularly discussing goals, feelings, and concerns, creating a culture of transparency and support.
• Laboring Together: This covenant commitment reflects the work involved in fostering a strong, collaborative relationship. Just as tending to a garden requires effort, building a collaborative relationship requires conscious labor from both partners.

This commitment isn’t easy; it’s labor-intensive but deeply rewarding. Through cleaving, counseling, and laboring together, couples can strengthen not only their bond with each other but also their connection to their faith and divine purpose.

If you want to hear more about how our temple covenants help us build more intimacy, I have a fireside that I have taught in my wards and stakes about this very thing.  If you are interested in having me come and speak in your ward or stake about this, please reach out.

Benefits of a Collaborative Sexual Relationship

When couples work together, their relationship becomes a source of joy, peace, and resilience.

• Increased Emotional and Physical Satisfaction: When both partners feel valued, intimacy becomes more satisfying on every level.
• Personal and Mutual Growth: Collaboration encourages both individuals to express their true selves, promoting growth, self-acceptance, and trust.
• Trust and Security: Knowing you’re both working together strengthens vulnerability, which is essential for deep emotional and sexual intimacy.

The spirit of collaboration needs to include respect for both partners’ choice, including not wanting to collaborate or not wanting what your partner wants sexually. Meaning if you are the one desiring something, you need to come to terms with the idea that your spouse’s honest, integrity-led choice may be “no thank you.” Collaboration doesn’t mean eventually you get what you want. It can mean that you may be able to take some of the meanings behind why you like what you like that your spouse doesn’t and put those into a different thing that you both will be able to enjoy. 

Stephen Snyder, who wrote Love Worth Making, emphasizes how important it is for a couple to only engage in sex acts that are enjoyed by both, and things that only one person enjoys are best left off the menu. 

What to Do if Your Partner Doesn’t Want to Collaborate

If your partner is reluctant to collaborate, it can feel discouraging. However, there are constructive ways to encourage collaboration without pressuring them:

• Start Small: Small acts of collaboration, such as sharing a hobby, can build trust.
• Lead by Example: Show collaborative behaviors, like open communication and respect for boundaries, which can inspire reciprocity.
• Discuss Fears and Insecurities: There may be underlying reasons for the reluctance. Discussing these gently can open the door to understanding.
• Seek Outside Help: If collaboration is consistently difficult, a therapist or coach can help uncover and work through barriers.

Conclusion

Building a collaborative relationship is about working side-by-side with mutual respect, shared goals, and a dedication to each other’s happiness and fulfillment. Collaboration isn’t about perfection; it’s a journey of growth and exploration. As you cleave, counsel, and labor together, you’re not only honoring your marriage covenant but creating a sacred connection that blesses both you and your partner in profound ways.

Thank you for listening, and keep tuning in as we continue exploring ways to strengthen your marriage and intimacy.

Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. Goodbye for now.