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Valentine’s Day is often loaded with expectations—romantic dinners, thoughtful gifts, or those intimate moments that feel like they belong in a movie. But when the day doesn’t live up to those expectations, it can leave us feeling frustrated or disappointed. What if this year, instead of putting all the focus on grand gestures or perfect plans, we shifted our attention to preparing ourselves—mind, body, and heart—for love and connection? Today, we’re talking about how to do just that. Whether your relationship is thriving, struggling, or somewhere in between, this episode is for you.

Managing Expectations

Let’s begin with expectations because that’s often where Valentine’s Day goes off track. High hopes for the “perfect” day can quickly lead to disappointment when reality doesn’t match the fantasy. Imagine a couple, Katie and Ryan, who’ve been married for ten years. Katie dreams of a candlelit dinner, while Ryan plans to order takeout and watch a movie after work. By the end of the evening, Katie is upset that Ryan didn’t “try harder,” and Ryan feels unappreciated because he thought they were having a low-key night.

This kind of mismatch happens all the time, and the key to avoiding it is communication. Instead of assuming your partner knows what you want, tell them. For example, Katie could say, “I’d really love for us to have a special dinner together. Could we plan something romantic at home or go out to our favorite spot?” Ryan, in turn, might share that he’s been feeling tired after work and would love to keep things simple. By sharing their thoughts, they can collaborate and find a solution that works for both of them.

Another way to manage expectations is to focus on what’s within your control. You can’t force your partner to plan an elaborate evening, but you can decide how you want to show up emotionally. Approach the day with gratitude for your relationship as it is, rather than wishing for it to be different.

Let’s talk about Preparing Your Mind, Body, and Heart

A fulfilling Valentine’s Day starts with taking care of yourself. When you feel good—mentally, physically, and emotionally—you’re better equipped to connect with your spouse.

For Women:

Take the example of Emily, a busy mom of three. In the past, she’s felt too exhausted to enjoy Valentine’s Day. This year, she decided to prioritize herself. She took a long bath the night before, picked out an outfit that made her feel beautiful, and spent the morning journaling about the things she loves about her husband, David. By the time they sat down for dinner, Emily felt present and open to connection, which made the evening feel more meaningful.

Taking care of your body is also important. Whether it’s through gentle yoga, a brisk walk, or dancing around your bedroom, movement can help you reconnect with your physical self. If you’ve struggled with desire or intimacy, spending time visualizing positive moments with your spouse can also help. Imagine how it feels to be close, to laugh, or to hold hands. This kind of mental preparation can open the door to greater connection.

For Men:

For men, preparing often looks different but is just as important. Take John, who wanted to make Valentine’s Day special for his wife, Sarah, after a particularly stressful year. Instead of focusing solely on a big gift, John decided to focus on how he could support her emotionally. He spent the day helping with the kids, cleaned up the kitchen after breakfast, and surprised her with a handwritten note listing all the reasons he loved her. By the time they sat down for dinner, Sarah felt cared for, which naturally deepened their connection and made intimacy later that night feel more meaningful.

Men, consider how you can create a sense of emotional safety for your wife. For many women, intimacy starts long before the bedroom—with thoughtful touches, kind words, and feeling supported. This could look like offering to handle dinner or simply sitting down to ask how she’s feeling.

Setting Each Other Up for Success

When both partners intentionally focus on each other, Valentine’s Day can be a day of mutual love and enjoyment. Think of a couple like Megan and Alex, who planned a special evening at home after realizing they didn’t want to deal with crowded restaurants. Megan cooked Alex’s favorite meal, while Alex set up a cozy space with candles and music. Before dinner, they exchanged handwritten letters instead of store-bought cards. Later, they danced in their living room, laughing and reminiscing about their early days together.

Setting each other up for success doesn’t have to be complicated. For a wife, this might mean initiating intimacy in a way that feels natural, like creating a relaxing atmosphere with soft lighting and music. For a husband, it could be taking care of tasks that normally weigh on his wife, like folding laundry or handling the bedtime routine with the kids. These small acts of thoughtfulness create a foundation for connection, although nothing guarantees sex.  We don’t want this to become transactional.

What If You’re Not in a Good Place?

Not every couple is in a season where Valentine’s Day feels exciting or even desirable. If your relationship feels distant or strained, the pressure of the holiday can make things worse. But it doesn’t have to.

Take Lisa and Mark, who’ve been struggling with communication. Instead of ignoring the holiday, Lisa decided to write Mark a simple note acknowledging their challenges but also expressing gratitude for the small things he does, like fixing things around the house or supporting the kids. Mark, who normally dreaded Valentine’s Day, was moved by her effort and responded with a kind gesture of his own—a bouquet of her favorite flowers. While it wasn’t a grand romantic evening, it was a step toward reconnection.

If your spouse isn’t on board with Valentine’s Day, focus on what you can control. Plan something meaningful for yourself—whether it’s a quiet evening with a favorite book, a warm bath, or spending time with friends. Self-love is just as important as romantic love, and taking care of yourself can help you approach your marriage with more patience and grace.

Focusing on Love and Connection

At its core, Valentine’s Day is about celebrating love. This might look different for every couple, but the goal is always the same: to create moments of connection. Whether it’s a candlelit dinner, a movie night on the couch, or simply holding hands during a walk, what matters is the intention behind it.

For some couples, this might mean revisiting old memories, like looking through wedding photos or sharing stories about their first date. For others, it might mean trying something new, like cooking a meal together or writing down goals for the coming year. Whatever you choose, let love—not perfection—be your focus.

Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be extravagant to be meaningful. By preparing your mind, body, and heart, managing expectations, and focusing on love, you can create a day that strengthens your relationship with your spouse—and with yourself. Remember, love is a choice you make every day, not just on February 14th. So, choose to show up with kindness, grace, and an open heart—no matter what your circumstances look like. 

Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. Goodbye for now.