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Today marks the 7 year anniversary of this podcast.  I am so proud of this podcast and the marriages and lives that it has touched.  I could not have done it without faithful listeners.  So whether you have been with me for years or are brand new, thank you for being here.  To celebrate 7 years, I have a special treat for you today.  Make sure you listen all the way through because I’ve got an announcement that you aren’t going to want to miss.

Today we are going to be talking about covenants we make in the temple as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  It is my hope that you will have a new understanding of these covenants if you are a member of The Church.  If you are not of my same faith, I still believe this episode can have a great impact on how you see things in your marriage and sexual relationship and I hope you will listen.

In the temple endowment and sealing, members are asked to covenant with God.  These covenants are not just a set of rules to follow, boxes to be checked—they are a pattern of growth. A roadmap for how we develop as individuals and in our relationships. Each law that we covenant to keep builds upon the last, guiding us step by step toward greater love, deeper connection, and a more fulfilling life.

This pattern applies to our relationship with God, but it also applies to marriage and even to sex. It teaches us how to move from external obedience to internal transformation, from self-sacrifice to self-knowledge, from obligation to true intimacy.

Each law expands our ability to love—not just in a general sense, but in the way we love ourselves, our spouse, our neighbor, and God. It shows us how to:

• Trust in something greater than ourselves.
• Offer love and sacrifice while still holding on to our individuality.
• Move beyond rigid rules into relationships based on love and understanding.
• Develop the courage to be fully seen and fully known.
• Contribute to our marriage, our community, and the world in meaningful ways.

One of the laws that we covenant to obey is the Law of Chastity. But I like to think of it as the Law of Intimacy instead. It is a key part of this process. It’s not just about sexual purity. It’s about learning how to be authentically intimate—with our spouse, with ourselves, and ultimately, with God.

As we walk through these laws and temple covenants today, think about where you are in your own journey. Each stage has a purpose. Each step moves us closer to becoming the kind of person who loves deeply, who knows and is known, and who creates something truly meaningful in marriage, in faith, and in life.

So let’s walk through these stages and explore how they shape the way we love, connect, and grow.

The Law of Obedience: The Foundation of Trust in Marriage

The first law that we covenant to keep in the temple, is the Law of Obedience. Obedience often gets a bad reputation because we tend to associate it with blind submission, restriction, and a loss of personal freedom. But true obedience—especially as a foundational principle in growth—is not about control. It’s about learning trust, discipline, and structure so that we can eventually build something greater.

From the time we are children, we start out relying on external authority—our parents, teachers, church leaders—to guide us. We don’t yet have the knowledge, experience, or wisdom to navigate life on our own. Learning to trust these authorities provides:

• Safety – We don’t run into the street because we trust our parents when they say it’s dangerous.
• Structure – We learn to follow rules that help us function in society.
• Basic moral foundations – We start by following “right” and “wrong” rules before we develop deeper ethical reasoning.

Over time, we need to internalize these lessons and begin to think for ourselves, but obedience provides the foundation we need before we can develop independence.

In marriage, obedience takes on a different meaning. It’s not about one spouse being in charge or dictating rules—it’s about learning the fundamental principles that make relationships work before we can truly personalize and expand them.

At the beginning of marriage, we often rely on:

• External ideas of what marriage and sex should look like (from parents, church teachings, culture, books, etc.).
• Advice from others because we don’t yet fully understand what works for us.
• General relationship principles (such as kindness, honesty, and communication) before we develop our own unique rhythm as a couple.

This is normal and necessary. We have to start with a basic framework before we can move into deeper levels of intimacy, individuality, and collaboration.

A newlywed couple may start marriage believing:

• Sex should happen in a specific way or frequency.
• There are strict roles that each spouse should fulfill.
• Arguments should be avoided at all costs because “happy couples don’t fight.”
• Being a good spouse means sacrificing their own needs to keep the other person happy.
• The goal is simply to “do things right” rather than explore what actually feels meaningful and fulfilling.

At this stage, they are following what they’ve been taught—and that’s okay! But over time, hopefully they begin to learn what actually works for them and they realize:

• Sex doesn’t need to happen or look a certain way
• Frequency goes up and down
• They can work together to do what works for them and their family and don’t have to conform to roles
• Conflict isn’t bad—it’s how they grow and strengthen their connection and build more intimacy
• Marriage isn’t about self-sacrifice—it’s about partnership and balance
• They explore what feels meaningful and fulfilling for both of them and collaborate on how to do that

If they skipped the obedience phase, they might not have a foundation of trust to build on. Learning obedience first allows them to explore, adjust, and evolve together.

The goal of obedience isn’t to stay there forever—it’s to provide a structured, safe starting point so we can eventually develop into fully autonomous, loving, and intimate partners. It’s the first step in our journey toward a deep, meaningful marriage where love, trust, and connection flourish. But if we stay here too long, we limit growth. Marriage and sexuality cannot thrive on rules alone. We must progress to the next stage.

The Law of Sacrifice: Learning to Prioritize the Relationship

As we mature, we enter the Law of Sacrifice. This is where we learn that marriage is not just about individual desires—it’s about us as a couple.

The Law of Sacrifice teaches us that we must be willing to let go of something for the greater good. In the early stages of our faith journey, this often means sacrificing personal desires, comfort, or individual preferences to belong to a group—whether that’s our church, family, or community. But in marriage, this law takes on an even deeper meaning.

At first glance, sacrifice in marriage can seem like a call to constantly give up our own needs for our spouse. Many couples believe that a “good” marriage requires putting their partner first at all times—even at the cost of their own happiness. However, true sacrifice is not about self-betrayal. It’s about intentionally letting go of what isn’t serving the marriage so that something better and more meaningful can grow.

In marriage, we often enter with expectations—some spoken, some unspoken. These expectations are shaped by our upbringing, religious teachings, cultural messages, and personal desires. Many of them seem completely reasonable:

• • My spouse should make me feel loved and cherished

• My spouse should meet my needs

• • We should have sex a certain number of times per week
  • My partner should know what I need without me having to say it

• They should love me the way I naturally express love

• • If they loved me, they would do this for me

• Marriage should feel effortless if we’re truly in love

These expectations, while normal, can create rigid standards that may not actually serve the relationship. Holding tightly to these expectations can lead to frustration, disappointment, and resentment because our partner will inevitably fall short. And when they do we can feel disappointed, hurt, or even unloved.  But through the Law of Sacrifice, we learn that by letting go of rigid, self-centered expectations, we actually create space for something richer and more fulfilling—a relationship based on true love and mutual understanding, not transactional fairness.

When we hold tightly to our expectations, we tend to:

• Measure the success of the relationship by how well our expectations are met
• Keep score, focusing on fairness instead of connection
• Resent our partner when they don’t fulfill our unspoken (or spoken) standards

This can create a transactional mindset, where love and connection become conditional:

• I will show up lovingly IF you do what I expect.
• I will be sexually available IF you meet my emotional needs first.
• I will invest in this marriage IF you put in as much effort as I think you should.

This mindset keeps us from true intimacy because we are prioritizing our expectations over the relationship itself.

Prioritizing the relationship does not mean ignoring your needs or constantly sacrificing yourself for the sake of harmony. Instead, it means shifting from a me-centered perspective to a we-centered one—while still maintaining your individuality.

This shift involves:

1. Releasing Control Over Your Partner’s Actions
   • Instead of expecting them to behave in a certain way, focus on how you want to show up in the relationship.
   • Example: Instead of thinking, “They should be more romantic,” ask yourself, “How can I cultivate romance in our marriage?”
2. Holding Space for Both Your Needs and Theirs
   • Instead of sacrificing your needs or demanding they meet yours first, you learn to navigate both.
   • Example: Instead of “I need to feel emotionally connected before sex” vs. “They need sex to feel emotionally connected”, find a collaborative way to meet both needs.
3. Shifting from a Fairness Mindset to a Love Mindset
   • Love isn’t about keeping score—it’s about creating something beautiful together.
   • Example: Instead of “I did the dishes last night, so they should do them tonight”, you shift to “We are a team. Let’s find a way that feels fair and works for us both.”
4. Communicating Openly Instead of Expecting Mind-Reading
   • So many expectations lead to disappointment simply because they were never clearly communicated.
   • Example: Instead of thinking, “They should know I need help with the kids,” you say, “Hey, I’m feeling overwhelmed tonight. Can we tag team bedtime?”

Imagine a wife who feels frustrated because her husband isn’t as emotionally expressive as she would like. She expects him to be more verbal with his love and feels hurt when he isn’t.

The transactional approach would be:

• “If he really loved me, he would say it more.”
• “I’m not going to be affectionate until he starts doing it first.”
• “I’m not going to have sex with him until he is better at this.”

But when she shifts to prioritizing the relationship, she:

• Recognizes that her husband expresses love in different but equally valid ways 
• Clearly communicates her desires without resentment (“I love when you say ‘I love you’—it really makes me feel close to you.”).
• Focuses on how she wants to show up in the relationship, rather than waiting for him to change first.

By making this shift, both partners feel valued and seen—without either one feeling pressured to be someone they’re not.

Sex is often an area where unspoken expectations create the most tension in marriage. One spouse may expect sex to happen a certain way, at a certain frequency, or with a certain level of enthusiasm. The other may expect emotional connection before engaging sexually. When these expectations go unmet, both partners can feel rejected or resentful.

The Law of Sacrifice teaches us that sex isn’t just about fulfilling individual needs—it’s about creating something together.

• It means letting go of the idea that your spouse should always initiate first and instead embracing the joy of giving and receiving.
• It means sacrificing the idea that sex must always look the same or must look the way you want it for you to be comfortable and instead being open to new ways of connecting. This does NOT mean doing things that are out of alignment for your values but it does mean addressing why you want things to be YOUR way.
• It means shifting from “Am I getting what I want?” to “How can we both feel loved, wanted, and connected?”

While healthy sacrifice strengthens marriage, unhealthy sacrifice (self-betrayal) damages it.

• Healthy sacrifice means choosing love over ego, but it does NOT mean ignoring your own needs.
• Healthy sacrifice means being open to growth and change, but it does NOT mean giving up your personal identity.
• Healthy sacrifice means considering your spouse’s happiness, but it does NOT mean sacrificing your own well-being.

For example, a wife may feel pressured to have sex more often than she wants because she believes “that’s what a good wife does.” But if she sacrifices her own comfort and autonomy out of obligation, that is self-betrayal, not love. A better approach would be for both spouses to sacrifice rigid expectations and work together to find solutions that honor both of their needs.

When we apply the Law of Sacrifice in a healthy way, we shift from a mindset of “what am I losing?” to “what are we gaining?”

• Instead of expecting love to be given in a specific way, we learn to receive it in the way our spouse expresses it.
• Instead of clinging to fairness, we embrace generosity.
• Instead of demanding that things be our way, we prioritize what strengthens the relationship.

When both spouses sacrifice from a place of love rather than duty, they create a marriage where both people feel seen, valued, and deeply connected—not because they’re giving up who they are, but because they are choosing to grow together.

The Law of the Gospel: Love Over Rules, Intimacy Over Obligation

There is a significant difference between loving out of duty and loving from a place of deep personal choice and alignment with your highest self. Many of us begin our journey in relationships with an idea that love is something we are supposed to do—something that is expected of us as a spouse, a Christian, or simply a good person. But true, lasting love doesn’t come from obligation. It comes from a place of abundance, understanding, and self-awareness.

When we love out of duty, we often find ourselves saying things like:

• “I have to forgive because that’s what I’m supposed to do.”
• “I need to serve my spouse because that’s what a good husband/wife does.”
• “I should be patient, even though I’m exhausted and frustrated.”

This kind of love can be a good starting point because it helps us develop consistency and discipline in our relationships. But over time, love that is based on duty alone can start to feel like a burden rather than a gift. We may find ourselves feeling:

• Resentful when our efforts aren’t reciprocated.
• Drained because we are loving from an empty cup.
• Trapped in a role rather than choosing our relationship daily.

This is where the Law of the Gospel comes in—moving us toward a higher, more intentional way of loving.

When Jesus taught that love is the highest law, He wasn’t just commanding us to be nice to each other. He was inviting us into a radical transformation of our hearts—a shift from duty-based love to chosen, abundant love.

Loving from a higher place means:

• We love because we want to, not because we have to.
• We recognize that love isn’t about proving our worth or earning approval—it’s a reflection of who we are.
• Our love isn’t conditional on how our spouse treats us—it flows from the kind of person we have chosen to become.

Imagine a wife who feels like she should be more sexually available for her husband because it’s “what a good wife does.” She forces herself to engage, but she resents it. She might say, “I’m doing my part, but I feel used. I feel unseen.”

Now imagine she begins to shift her perspective—not seeing sex as an obligation, but as an opportunity to connect, to be fully present, to love in a way that is aligned with her desires and values. Instead of doing it because she has to, she starts thinking, “I want to show up in this way. I want to explore this part of our relationship. I want to give from a place of fullness.”

The experience of love changes completely.

When we choose love from a higher place, we are no longer:

• Loving to gain approval
• Loving to avoid conflict
• Loving because it’s “the right thing to do.”

Instead, we are:

• Loving because we are full enough to give
• Loving because it aligns with our truest self
• Loving because it’s who we choose to be in the world.

Choosing love in this way doesn’t mean we ignore boundaries or let ourselves be walked over. In fact, it’s the opposite. When we love from a place of wholeness, we:

• Set boundaries with kindness, not resentment.
• Give freely, but also receive with gratitude.
• Show up fully, without self-betrayal.

This is the kind of love that transforms marriages, friendships, and our relationship with God. It’s a love that doesn’t run dry because it’s not fueled by obligation—it’s fueled by a deep and abiding connection to ourselves, our partner, and the divine.

Now, we arrive at a critical step in our development: the Law of Intimacy.

The Law of Intimacy: Moving Beyond Fear and Fully Knowing Each Other

This is where we redefine what intimacy actually means.

For too long, the Law of Chastity has been taught primarily as a set of restrictions. But what if we reframed it? What if, instead of seeing it as a set of boundaries, we saw it as an invitation to true intimacy—not just in marriage, but in all our relationships?

By this stage in marriage, we have learned obedience, sacrifice, and love. Now, we are called to something even greater: being fully known and fully loved.

True intimacy means:

• No longer self-betraying to maintain peace.
• Being honest about desires, fears, and vulnerabilities.
• Accepting your spouse for where they are without trying to control or change them.

At this stage, sex is no longer about obligation or even connection—it becomes an expression of deep trust, authenticity, and joy.

This is also where differentiation happens—we stop relying on our spouse for validation and instead come together as two whole, fulfilled people choosing each other every day.

Even though intimacy is something most of us crave deeply, many of us find ourselves avoiding it—sometimes without even realizing it. True intimacy requires us to be seen, known, and fully accepted, but that level of vulnerability can feel terrifying.

Here are some of the main reasons we avoid intimacy:

1. Fear of Rejection
   • If we show our true selves—our flaws, desires, insecurities—what if our spouse doesn’t accept us? Rejection in this raw space can feel unbearable, so we keep parts of ourselves hidden.
2. Shame
   • Past experiences, cultural messages, or personal insecurities can make us feel unworthy of love and connection. If we believe we are “too much” or “not enough,” we may avoid intimacy to protect ourselves from feeling that shame.
3. Past Wounds and Trauma
   • If we’ve been hurt before—whether in childhood, past relationships, or even within our marriage—our brains learn to protect us by avoiding vulnerability. We might shut down emotionally or even withdraw sexually to avoid being hurt again.
4. Fear of Losing Independence
   • Some people associate intimacy with losing themselves. They worry that if they let someone in too deeply, they’ll have to sacrifice their individuality. This can lead to holding back emotionally or keeping a safe distance in marriage.
5. Lack of Trust
   • If trust has been broken in the relationship (through dishonesty, betrayal, or repeated disappointments), opening up again can feel too risky. We might avoid intimacy as a way of self-protection.
6. Cultural and Religious Conditioning
   • Many people have been taught that sex and emotions should be controlled, hidden, or even feared. If intimacy has been framed as something dangerous or wrong, we may struggle to engage in it fully, even within marriage.
7. Disconnection and Busyness
   • Sometimes, we avoid intimacy not because of deep wounds, but simply because we’re too busy or distracted. The demands of work, parenting, and daily life can make intimacy feel like another task on the to-do list, rather than something to savor.

When we continually avoid true intimacy, we end up feeling disconnected from our spouse, ourselves, and even God. So how do we move toward deeper intimacy instead of running from it?

Here are key steps to stop avoiding intimacy and start embracing it:

1. Identify and Understand Your Fears

Intimacy requires vulnerability, and vulnerability can feel risky. Ask yourself:

• What am I afraid will happen if I truly open up to my spouse?
• Where did this fear come from? (Past relationships? Childhood? Religious or cultural messages?)
• Is my fear still relevant, or is it based on past experiences that no longer apply?

Example: If you fear rejection, you might realize it stems from a time when you expressed your feelings and were dismissed or mocked. Recognizing that your spouse may not respond the same way allows you to challenge that fear.

2. Practice Self-Acceptance

One of the biggest barriers to intimacy is our own shame. If we don’t accept ourselves—our thoughts, desires, and emotions—we will struggle to let someone else truly see us.

• Work on being kind to yourself rather than critical.
• Acknowledge that you are worthy of love and connection just as you are.
• Give yourself permission to express your needs and desires without guilt.

Example: If you struggle with body image, you might avoid sex or undressing in front of your spouse. Practicing self-acceptance means allowing yourself to be seen without shame, recognizing that your worth isn’t tied to your physical appearance.

3. Choose to Trust Your Partner

Many people avoid intimacy because they don’t fully trust their spouse—not necessarily because their spouse is untrustworthy, but because they fear being let down. Trust is built through consistent honesty, vulnerability, and follow-through.

• Start small: share something personal and see how your spouse responds.
• Be honest about your fears rather than assuming your spouse already knows.
• Notice when your spouse is trustworthy and allow yourself to lean into that.

Example: If you feel emotionally disconnected, instead of withdrawing, say, “I want to feel closer to you, but I get scared when I feel like I’m not enough.” This invites your spouse into your experience rather than keeping them out.

4. Communicate Your Needs Clearly

Many couples avoid intimacy because they assume their partner should just “know” what they need—but no one is a mind reader.

• Express what you want without blame or expectation.
• Use “I” statements: “I feel most connected to you when…” instead of “You never…”
• Encourage your spouse to share their needs, too.

Example: Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel really loved when I know you’re fully present when I’m sharing something important.”

5. Allow Yourself to Be Seen—Even When It’s Uncomfortable

True intimacy means being seen, not just in the good moments, but in the hard ones too.

• Instead of shutting down when you feel hurt, share what you’re feeling.
• Instead of only showing the “best” version of yourself, let your spouse see the real you.
• Accept that intimacy isn’t about perfection—it’s about authenticity.

Example: If you’re struggling with something emotionally, instead of pretending everything is fine, say, “I don’t have this figured out yet, but I want to let you in on what I’m feeling.”

6. Prioritize Time for Connection

Intimacy doesn’t happen by accident—it requires intentional time and effort.

• Schedule regular check-ins where you share emotions, thoughts, and desires.
• Set aside time without distractions (no phones, no TV) to be present with each other.
• Make physical connection a priority, even outside of sex (holding hands, hugging, etc.).

Example: A couple sets aside 10 minutes before bed each night to talk—not about kids, work, or logistics, but about their thoughts, feelings, and dreams.

7. Address Past Wounds That May Be Holding You Back

If past experiences (in childhood, past relationships, or even within your marriage) have made intimacy feel unsafe, it’s important to heal those wounds rather than avoid them.

• Seek therapy if past trauma is interfering with your ability to connect.
• Be honest with your spouse about what’s hard for you.
• Practice forgiveness—not just of your spouse, but of yourself.

Example: If you grew up in a home where emotions weren’t discussed, you may struggle to share your feelings now. Acknowledging this pattern and actively working to change it can help break the cycle.

8. Shift Your Mindset: Intimacy Is a Gift, Not a Risk

Rather than seeing intimacy as something that could hurt you, see it as something that can enrich your life and marriage.

• Recognize that vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness.
• Remind yourself that love is not about control—it’s about connection.
• Embrace intimacy as a choice to trust, love, and grow together.

Example: Instead of thinking, “What if I get hurt?” shift your perspective to, “What if I experience a deeper love than I ever thought possible?”

When you stop avoiding intimacy and start leaning into it, marriage becomes deeper, richer, and more fulfilling. Instead of just existing together, you create a bond where you are fully known, fully accepted, and fully loved—by your spouse, by yourself, and by God.

Intimacy isn’t about getting it right every time. It’s about showing up, over and over again, even when it feels hard. Because in the end, real love—the kind that transforms us—is built on intimacy.

Also remember that intimacy isn’t just about sex—it’s about being fully known and loved. It’s the ability to show up as you are and be accepted. It’s also about giving that same acceptance to your spouse.

When a couple reaches this level of intimacy, they are ready to consecrate their love in the highest way.

The Law of Consecration: Giving from a Place of Wholeness

At the highest level of growth, we reach the Law of Consecration. This is where we recognize that marriage is not about obligation or even compromise—it’s about fully offering ourselves from a place of wholeness.

At this stage, we move beyond just maintaining the marriage—we actively build each other up. We stop worrying about “who’s right” or “who’s doing more” and instead focus on how we can create the best possible life together.

Sexually, this means we are no longer stuck in transactional thinking (e.g., I do this for you, you do this for me). Instead, we see sex as:

• A way to nurture and strengthen the relationship.
• An act of co-creation that deepens emotional and spiritual closeness.- this isn’t something we do alone.  
• A reflection of who we are becoming together rather than just what we do.

Once we reach this stage, three key principles help us sustain and deepen this kind of intimacy.  These key principles are also what we covenant to do in the temple sealing.  Cleave, counsel, and labor together. They are also the how…how we create an intimate marriage.

Cleave: Choosing One Another First

We are commanded to cleave unto our spouse and none else.

Cleave means:

• Prioritizing each other emotionally, spiritually, and physically. In thought, in word, and in deed.
• Turning toward each other, not outside sources, for connection.
• Creating a space where your spouse is your most trusted and cherished person. To be friends and build a culture of gratitude and appreciation.

Counsel: Navigating Intimacy as Equal Partners

A truly intimate marriage is built on counseling together—we make decisions as equals.

In an intimate marriage, we:

• Have open, honest conversations about our thoughts and feelings.  We talk openly about sex and emotional needs.
• We work to see each other’s perspectives and respect them, even if they aren’t the same as our own.
• Work together to overcome challenges instead of avoiding them.
• And we prioritize collaboration – where both people’s wants, desires, and needs are equal and work together to find solutions.

Laboring Together: Creating Something Greater Than Ourselves

When we labor together, we aren’t just living side by side—we are building something meaningful.

Laboring together means:

• Showing up fully for the marriage and family we are creating, letting go of roles and instead doing what is needed and loving
• Supporting each other in spiritual, emotional, sexual and physical growth
• Seeing our relationship as a sacred work that blesses both of us

Closing Thoughts

The temple covenants aren’t about rules or restrictions—they are about becoming. As we progress through these stages, we become more whole, more connected, and more capable of deep and lasting love and building a celestial marriage here on earth.

And that is what real intimacy looks like.

As I said earlier, the how is in the Cleave, Counsel, and Laboring Together.  If you are you ready to strengthen your marriage and deepen your connection with your spouse I am going to be offering a 3-week live class for couples, I’ll teach you the how of Cleaving, Counseling, and Laboring Together—three essential principles for building a thriving and intimate marriage.

Each week, we’ll spend one hour in instruction, where I’ll break down these concepts and give you actionable tools to apply them in your marriage. Then, we’ll have one hour of coaching and Q&A, where you can get personalized support and answers to your specific questions.

Class Details:
📅 Dates: June 23, June 30, July 7
⏰ Time: 7-9 PM MT
💰 Cost:

• Live class (with coaching & Q&A): $399
• Early bird pricing (register by June 1): $349 Use code MarriageEarlyBird25 by June 1 to save $50

If you can’t attend live, a replay of the full class will be available for those who register for the live sessions for one week. 

This is your chance to invest in your marriage and learn how to truly Cleave, Counsel, and Labor Together in a way that strengthens your relationship, fosters intimacy, and brings you closer as a couple.

Sign up today and take the next step toward a stronger, more connected marriage!  To sign up, go to AmandaLouder.com/Strengthen 

Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. Goodbye for now.