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Let me start with a question that might feel familiar.

Have you ever had your spouse suggest trying something new sexually—maybe a position, a toy, a location, a roleplay—and your first thought was, “Where did they get that idea?”

And sometimes the second thought is, “Was that from porn? Is that who they really are? Do I have to say yes to that to keep them happy?”

Let’s slow that down today.

Let’s look at why we want to try different things sexually—where those desires come from, what they might mean, and how we can approach those conversations with curiosity, not fear. Because the desire to try new things doesn’t automatically mean there’s something wrong with you, your marriage, or your sex life. In fact, it might be an invitation into something even better.

Novelty Isn’t the Enemy. It’s a Human Need.

One of the first reasons people want to try something new in sex is simple: novelty.

Our brains are wired to respond to new stimuli. In fact, the part of the brain that lights up with reward—dopamine—is triggered not just by pleasure, but by new pleasure. That’s why the first kiss feels electric. And it’s why, over time, couples often crave something different.

You might have a perfectly “fine” sex life, but that doesn’t mean it’s fully satisfying or that it can’t grow. Sometimes couples fall into routines—not out of laziness or disinterest—but because life gets busy, kids take priority, and the bedroom becomes another checklist item instead of a playground.

A couple I worked with realized that they’d been doing the same exact sexual routine—same time of day, same sequence, same position—for over ten years. It wasn’t bad, but it was predictable. So they decided to make one night a month a “novelty night.” No pressure to perform, but permission to experiment. One night they tried mutual massage. Another, they made out like teenagers without having sex at all. Another night, they played with a new toy they’d bought online together. What happened? They started looking forward to sex again—not just because of the acts themselves, but because they were co-creating something new.

Novelty doesn’t mean your current sex life is broken. It just means your brain—both of your brains—are craving a little spark. And the best part is, novelty doesn’t have to mean kink or costumes. It can be as simple as:

• Changing up the order of things
• Turning the lights on if they’re usually off
• Introducing a pillow under your hips
• Whispering your desires instead of staying silent

Those little shifts are what re-awaken curiosity.

Fantasy Often Fuels Curiosity

Another reason we want to try new things is because of fantasy.

Fantasy is the part of our brain that’s allowed to roam free. It’s where we get to imagine without rules. It’s where creativity and sexuality blend. And sometimes, what lives in the realm of fantasy starts to become a real-world curiosity.

Let’s say your husband confesses he’s always fantasized about you taking more control in the bedroom. Maybe he imagines you initiating, telling him what to do, even lightly teasing or guiding him. Now, for some women, this might sound intimidating—or even a little off-putting. But if we peel back the layers, what’s he really fantasizing about? Often, it’s not about dominance in a scary way—it’s about feeling desired. It’s about seeing you in your confidence. It’s about emotional safety through erotic expression.

And the same goes for wives who fantasize about being seduced, about being pursued or “taken”—not in a violating way, but in a way that bypasses all the mental load and lets her melt into her body.

The point isn’t to act out every fantasy. Some fantasies are meant to stay in the imagination. But when a partner shares a fantasy, it’s often a glimpse into their emotional or sexual wiring. So rather than reacting with fear or shame, try this:

• “Tell me more about what you like about that.”
• “What part of that turns you on the most?”
• “Is there a way we could play with that idea in a way that feels good for both of us?”

Curiosity is the bridge between fantasy and reality—and sometimes, just walking across it together is enough to create intimacy.

Porn Didn’t Invent This—It Just Mass-Produced It

Let’s talk about the P-word for a minute.

Porn.

Now, yes—it’s true that many people have seen things in porn and later want to try them. And that can be hard to separate in our minds. We might think, “If they saw it in porn, then they must be trying to turn me into someone I’m not. That can’t be healthy.”

But here’s what we forget: nearly everything in porn already existed. Porn isn’t the source—it’s just the amplification. People were having oral sex, anal sex, using blindfolds, playing with erotic tension, and telling dirty stories to each other long before the internet.

Let’s use a real example. A wife recently told me her husband asked if she’d ever want to try being blindfolded. Her immediate reaction was, “Where did you see that? Porn?” But after talking more, she realized this idea had actually come from a romance novel she’d read years earlier. She had originally shared the idea with him because she had been curious about it back then. Once she dropped the porn assumption, she realized what her husband was really craving: surprise, trust, sensory focus. And when they tried it (on their terms, in their way), it was powerful.

So, if your partner brings up something they’ve seen, don’t automatically shut it down. Ask, “What about that interests you?” You might be surprised by the emotional meaning behind the act.

The Feelings New Things Evoke

Trying something new can awaken all kinds of emotions.

It’s not just about sensation—it’s about feeling more alive. When you explore something new together, you engage your senses in a fresh way. You tune into each other more closely. You often laugh, mess up, get tangled—and then realize that this is what connection feels like.

One couple I know tried having sex in the shower for the first time. It was slippery, ungraceful, and they eventually gave up and moved to the bed—but they laughed the whole way through. And the next day, they both said it was one of the most bonding experiences they’d had in months.

Sometimes it’s not about the act—it’s about the feeling. Newness can create anticipation. Playfulness. Vulnerability. A sense of co-discovery. That’s what we’re really chasing—not just a different angle or prop, but the emotional energy that comes with being in it together.

Why We’re Reluctant—and Why That’s Okay

Of course, not everyone feels excited about trying new things.

For some, newness feels scary. It threatens their sense of identity or security. For others, it’s a reminder of past trauma, comparison, or pressure. And if that’s you, I want to say this: you’re not broken. You’re not boring. You’re not “less than” for needing a little more time or assurance.

There’s no medal for saying yes to everything. But there is growth in saying, “Let me think about it.” Or, “Can we talk more about that before we try it?”

And on the flip side—if you’re the partner wanting something new, remember: pressuring your spouse into something they don’t want isn’t sexy. True desire is mutual, and no one can consent with a metaphorical gun to their head.

So here’s a reframe: instead of demanding the new thing, invite your partner into the experience of exploring desire. Say, “I know this might be outside your comfort zone. Can we just talk about it? No pressure.” That posture changes everything.

New Things Aren’t a Shortcut. They’re an Enhancement.

Let’s be honest. Sometimes we look to novelty because it feels easier than working on the deeper stuff.

We think: Maybe if we spice things up, we won’t have to talk about the disconnection. Maybe if we try something new, they’ll want sex more. Maybe this will fix it.

But novelty isn’t a shortcut. It’s not a patch for wounds that haven’t healed. It’s not a replacement for deep trust, shared laughter, emotional availability, or consistent kindness.

One woman told me she agreed to try roleplay, thinking it would make sex more exciting. But afterward, she still felt unseen—because the real issue wasn’t boredom in bed. It was the emotional distance they hadn’t addressed. The silence in the kitchen. The passive-aggressive comments. The lack of flirting and touch outside the bedroom.

Trying something new in sex should come from connection—not instead of it.

When your marriage is built on mutual love, respect, humor, and trust, then exploring new things in sex becomes an adventure—not a band-aid.

So the next time you or your spouse says, “Hey, want to try something different?”—pause before you panic. Get curious. Ask questions. See it not as a threat, but as an invitation.

To grow.
To connect.
To discover.
To play.

Because great sex isn’t about being porn stars or acrobats.

It’s about being two people who love each other enough to keep learning, keep exploring, and keep choosing each other—again and again.

Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. Goodbye for now.