Safety vs. Security in Your Sexual Relationship

We’re diving into something that’s been on my heart lately – something that I think could be a total game-changer for your intimate relationship. We’re talking about the difference between safety and security in your sexual relationship, and why understanding this difference might just be the key to unlocking the passion you’ve been craving.

Now, I know some of you are thinking, “Wait, aren’t safety and security the same thing?” I used to think that too! But stick with me here, because this distinction is absolutely crucial, and once you get it, it’s going to shift everything for you.

The Game-Changing Distinction

I recently heard Whitni Miller, who you might know as BDEmoves on Instagram, on Dr. Kelly Casperson’s podcast “You Are Not Broken,” and she shared something that completely shifted how I think about safety in relationships.

Whitni explained it this way: “Safety says, I know what’s going to happen next. But security says, no matter what happens, we’ve got each other’s backs.”

And then she said something that really hit me: “If you’re going to have desire, you have to have risk. We have safety, but if you have too much safety, you don’t have desire.”

This framework from Whitni absolutely blew my mind because it explains so much about what I see with couples in my coaching practice.

I know this might sound counterintuitive, especially if you’re someone who values predictability and comfort. But bear with me as we unpack this.

What Safety Really Looks Like

Let me paint you a picture of what safety looks like in a sexual relationship. Sarah and Mike have been married for eight years. Every Tuesday and Saturday night, they have sex. It starts the same way – Mike kisses Sarah goodnight, she knows what that means, they go through the same routine, same positions, same everything. Sarah knows exactly what’s going to happen next. That’s safety.

Now, don’t get me wrong – there’s nothing inherently wrong with this! Especially in the beginning of working on your sexual relationship, safety can be really important. If you’ve had trauma, if you’re working through shame, if you’re just starting to explore sexuality together, safety is crucial.

But here’s what often happens: Sarah starts feeling like, “Meh, it’s Tuesday. I guess we’re having sex.” There’s no excitement, no anticipation, no butterflies. She’s not really excited about it because she knows exactly what’s coming. The predictability that once felt comforting now feels… well, boring.

The Power of Security

Now let me tell you about Emma and David. They’ve been married for ten years, and their sex life? It’s still has a spark. Why? Because instead of just safety, they’ve built security.

Security means David knows that if he suggests something new and Emma isn’t into it, she’s not going to shame him or make him feel bad. It means Emma knows that if she’s having an off night and things don’t go as planned, David’s not going to take it personally or withdraw from her. It means they both know that their love and acceptance of each other isn’t dependent on sexual performance or always being “on.”

Here’s a real example from their life: Last month, David wanted to try something he’d read about. He was nervous to bring it up because it was outside their normal routine. But because they have security, he knew he could trust Emma with his vulnerability. When he brought it up, Emma wasn’t immediately enthusiastic – it wasn’t something that appealed to her – but instead of shutting him down, she said, “Tell me more about what draws you to that. Help me understand.”

They ended up having this amazing conversation that didn’t lead to trying that particular thing, but it did lead to discovering some other things they were both curious about. And David felt heard and loved, even though Emma didn’t immediately jump on board with his idea.

Why Too Much Safety Kills Desire

Here’s the thing about desire – it requires a little bit of the unknown. Think about when you were dating your spouse. Remember those butterflies you’d get before seeing them? That excitement of “What’s going to happen when we’re together tonight?” That’s desire thriving on a little bit of uncertainty.

When everything becomes completely predictable – when you know exactly how every intimate encounter is going to unfold – your brain literally stops producing those anticipation chemicals. It’s like watching the same movie over and over again. The first time, you’re on the edge of your seat. The tenth time? You’re probably checking your phone.

This aligns beautifully with what Esther Perel talks about in her book “Mating in Captivity.” Perel explains that there’s an inherent tension between the closeness we crave in marriage and the space that desire needs to flourish. She points out that desire thrives on mystery, novelty, and a bit of distance – but marriage often gives us the opposite: complete familiarity, routine, and constant togetherness.

Perel describes how the very things that make us feel safe in our relationships – knowing our partner completely, sharing everything, being totally comfortable – can actually be the things that dampen erotic energy. It’s not that love and desire can’t coexist, but they have different requirements. Love grows through familiarity and closeness, while desire often needs some sense of otherness and surprise.

I had a client tell me once, “I love my husband, but our sex life feels like brushing my teeth. It’s just something we do, but there’s no excitement in it.” That’s what happens when safety becomes the only thing we’re prioritizing. We’ve eliminated all the elements that keep desire alive – anticipation, curiosity, even a little bit of pursuit.

The Risk That Desire Requires

Now, when Whitni talks about desire requiring risk, she’s not talking about unsafe risk. She’s not talking about doing things that violate your values or boundaries. She’s talking about the risk of being truly seen, the risk of expressing a desire and not knowing how it will be received, the risk of being vulnerable and authentic.

It’s the risk of saying, “I’ve been thinking about you all day and I want you” without knowing for sure how they’ll respond. It’s the risk of suggesting something new, or wearing something different, or initiating in a way you haven’t before.

Let me tell you about Rachel and Tom. They’d fallen into a very safe pattern. But one night, Rachel decided to take a small risk. Instead of their usual routine, she lit some candles and asked Tom if they could just hold each other and talk for a while before anything physical happened. It was a risk because it broke their pattern – she didn’t know how he’d respond.

Tom was actually thrilled! He’d been craving more emotional connection too but hadn’t known how to ask for it. That one small risk led to one of their most intimate nights ever. Not because they did anything wildly different physically, but because they allowed themselves to be vulnerable and break out of their predictable pattern.

Security as the Foundation for Healthy Risk

But here’s the beautiful thing about security – it actually makes those healthy risks possible. When you know your spouse has your back no matter what, you can afford to be vulnerable. You can afford to express desires, to try new things, to be spontaneous.

Think of it like a trapeze artist. They can perform all those amazing, risky moves because they know there’s a net below them. The net doesn’t take away from the excitement of the performance – it makes the performance possible.

Security in your sexual relationship is like that net. It’s knowing that:

• Your spouse won’t shame you for your desires
• They won’t use your vulnerability against you later
• They’ll communicate honestly about their own comfort levels
• They’re committed to working through challenges together
• Your worth and their love for you isn’t dependent on sexual performance

Practical Ways to Build Security

So how do you build this kind of security? Let me give you some practical steps:

First, practice radical honesty with kindness. This means being truthful about your feelings, desires, and concerns, but delivering that truth with love and respect. Instead of “You never initiate anymore and it makes me feel unwanted,” try “I’ve been feeling disconnected lately, and I’m wondering if we could talk about ways to feel more intimate with each other.”

Second, respond to vulnerability with curiosity, not judgment. When your spouse shares something with you – a desire, a fear, a fantasy – your first response should be to understand, not to immediately react or judge. Ask questions like “Tell me more about that” or “What is it about that that appeals to you?”

Third, keep confidences sacred. What happens in your bedroom and what you share with each other about sexuality stays between you. Period. Don’t share intimate details with friends, don’t make jokes about your spouse’s desires or insecurities, and don’t use what they’ve shared in vulnerability against them during arguments.

Fourth, practice repair. When you mess up – and you will – own it quickly and completely. If you react poorly to something your spouse shares, if you say something hurtful, if you violate trust in some way, don’t let it fester. Address it directly, apologize sincerely, and commit to doing better.

The Dance Between Security and Excitement

I love this analogy: think of security as the dance floor and excitement as the dancing. You can’t have a great dance without a solid floor beneath your feet. But a floor by itself isn’t very exciting – you need the movement, the music, the spontaneity of the dance itself.

In your sexual relationship, security provides the stable foundation where you both feel safe to be vulnerable and authentic. But within that security, you want to maintain some elements of surprise, novelty, and risk.

This might look like:

• Spontaneous initiation at unexpected times
• Trying new locations in your home
• Sharing fantasies or desires you haven’t expressed before
• Surprising each other with thoughtful gestures
• Breaking out of routine patterns occasionally
• Being emotionally vulnerable during intimacy

For My LDS Friends

Now, for my Latter-day Saint listeners, I know some of you might be thinking, “But doesn’t the gospel teach us to avoid risk? Shouldn’t we stick to what’s safe and proven?”

Here’s what I want you to understand: there’s a difference between reckless risk and faithful risk. Reckless risk disregards wisdom and violates principles. Faithful risk trusts in God’s plan while still requiring courage and faith.

Even in the scriptures, we see examples of faithful risk-taking. Abraham leaving his homeland, Nephi building a ship, Esther approaching the king – these were all risks taken within the context of faith and security in God’s love.

In your marriage, taking the risk to be vulnerable with your spouse, to express your wants and desires, to try new ways of connecting – these are faithful risks that can actually strengthen your relationship and help you become more unified as God intended.

Moving Forward

So here’s what I want you to take away from today: evaluate your relationship. Do you have safety without security? Do you have so much safety that you’ve lost the spark? Or maybe you have neither and need to start building both?

If you’re in a place where you need more security, start there. Work on creating that foundation of trust and acceptance. If you already have security but you’ve gotten stuck in too much safety, then it’s time to start taking some healthy risks together.

Remember, the goal isn’t to eliminate all predictability – some routine and reliability is good and healthy. The goal is to make sure that within your secure foundation, you’re still leaving room for surprise, growth, and discovery.

I want to challenge you this week to have a conversation with your spouse about this concept. Ask them: “Do you feel like we have security in our relationship? Do you feel safe to be vulnerable with me? And are there ways we could add a little more excitement and spontaneity to our connection?”

And remember, beautiful souls, you are not broken. Your desires for both security and excitement in your marriage are normal and healthy. God wants you to have a thriving, passionate marriage – and understanding the difference between safety and security just might be the key to unlocking that for you.

Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. I’ll see you next week…ba-bye.