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Today I want to talk about the 5 of the top mistakes that women make in bed.  Reasons that keeps them from getting aroused and enjoying it to the fullest.  So let’s just dig right in.

Initiating

We’ve received the message our entire lives that men are the sexual beings and we are there to accommodate and manage them.  And that’s just not true.  Women actually have a higher capacity for sexuality than men do.  But because of the way that we have been conditioned to think about sex, women don’t initiate very much.  Many of us have this thought that “good women don’t want sex.  Good women don’t think about sex, or act like they want it, or enjoy sex.”  And if we do want those things, we don’t want other people to know that we are thinking that way.  So we don’t initiate, because that’s not what a good woman does.  And if we do initiate, it’s usually too subtle and not in ways that a man is going to pick up on.  Here’s what I mean.  How many times have you actually been in the mood, so you snuggle a little bit closer on the couch while watching a show.  Or you come up behind your husband and wrap your arms around and kiss him on the neck and tell him you’re heading to bed.  Ladies, this is too subtle for most men.  They just think “oh, she’s cold” or “she must be tired.”  They aren’t picking up on your cues. So, if you are in the mood, you need to be obvious and let it be known.

Now, I know there are plenty of women out there that do initiate and they aren’t subtle about it.  But the majority of women I see are too subtle.

A cute idea I saw, that might make it a little bit more obvious if you are one who has trouble initiating or being too subtle is a “tonight/not tonight” pillow.  I will link to some ones on Amazon in the show notes.  But you can put it on your bed and let it tell your spouse if you are in the mood or not.  https://amzn.to/38GjHYn

Some other ideas are to light a special candle.  Set the mood.  Music.  Lingerie.  Touch him in really specific ways.  Men want to feel desired too.  So, if we could be more direct in the way we initiate it will help them feel more desired and we both get what we want.

So that’s mistake number 1 – initiating.

Too light of a touch

And speaking of men wanting us to not be subtle, we are often subtle in the way that we touch.  And that is mistake number 2.  We touch how we want to be touched.  So typically women tend to be very light with their touch, because that is how they like being touched.  But many men that light touch feels more ticklish and it isn’t arousing.  Most men (and of course check in with your husband and how he feels), but most men want a more aggressive touch.  Be direct and firm in the way you touch him.  He’s not going to break.

Men really like their package to be touched.  They want it to be touched and admired.  They feel desired when their wife can touch them aggressively and really take hold of their package.

As women, we often don’t think that they need touch because they might be already erect.  But they still want to be touched and aroused by you touching them.  And as men age, they are going to need more touch and direct stimulation in order to get an erection and keep an erection.  And sometimes they are anxious about having to ask for more stimulation, especially when it’s something that he didn’t need before.  So if you get in the habit now of touching him and be firm and with the kind of pressure he likes, that will serve the two of you in the long run.  As we age, men take longer to get an erection.  So it’s a good idea to start habits now that will serve the two of you as you age.

I hear from a lot of men that they feel like their wives are distracted during sex.  So if you spend the time to kiss him passionately, touch him aggressively, and when you are actually having intercourse putting your legs around him and squeezing him, pulling him into you more, that is going to signal to him how engaged you are and it’s going to keep you more engaged.

Our Bodies

And…the third mistake that we make is the reason we are often disengaged.  It’s because we get preoccupied with our own body.  We think that men want this perfect body and our bodies aren’t perfect.  We see all of our flaws and they stand out to us as huge problems.  My stomach is flabby.  My boobs are too small.  My butt is too big.  Whatever it is, we spend time so focused on that instead of being present with our husbands.  And by doing this, you become a spectator instead of a participant and this is one of the things that keeps us from getting aroused or as aroused as we could be.  When you’ve got a critical voice in your head telling you all of your flaws it makes sense that you aren’t going to get aroused.

From my experience, this is pretty one-sided.  Unless you have a jerk of a husband who criticizes your body, most likely your husband loves your body just the way it is.  It doesn’t matter to him that your stomach is flabby, your boobs are small, or your butt is big.  It really doesn’t.  He loves you.  He loves all of you.  Exactly as you are.

I know that you *THINK* he wants something different because you know that beautiful women with flat stomachs, big boobs, and a tight butt catch his eye.  Of course they do.  He’s human.  But just because that might catch his eye, doesn’t mean he expects that or wants that in you.

Now, here’s how to get out of the spectatoring and be preoccupied with your own body.  Practice being present in the moment.  You can go back and listen to my episode on Mindful Sex, that’s Episode 111.  But a great way to do this is to bring yourself back to the present by going through the 5 senses.  Also focus on your breathing.  That is a very physical response and calms your brain.  Also practice squeezing your Kegel muscles.  When you are doing this, you can’t really be focusing on anything else, so that draws sensation to your pelvis, and it can change how touch feels.

So, quit focusing on the negative.  Focus on the touch, pleasure, and connection your amazing, wonderful body was made for.

Fail to Teach

So often, when a man is ready for sex, he just goes.  He’s got all that testosterone and desire driving him and he really isn’t thinking about your experience or things that you’ve said to him before.  Men are great at compartmentalizing, so in the moment, what you’ve said before is literally not on his mind.   So, even though you’ve probably told him a thousand times how you like to be touched, he forgets.  Or, it might be that touch that worked before doesn’t work now.  And there can be a lot of reasons for that; where your head is, time of the month, etc. But we can’t expect him to know or to remember how we always want to be touched.  And our tendency is just to be annoyed or frustrated with him.  Discouraged that he didn’t remember.  We make up stories in our head about how he must not really care or else he would remember.  That just isn’t true.  So, mistake number four is that we fail to teach him how we want to be touched.  He doesn’t know what it’s like inside a woman’s body.  So we need to teach him.  Be clear.  Be tactful.  Be kind.  Don’t say “I hate it when you do that” because that will quit literally stop everything.  But tell him what he is doing right or what you want him to do instead.  Positive redirection.  Say what you do like and be explicit.

Worry about doing it right

And the fifth mistake is us worrying about doing it right.  As women, we worry.  We worry about everything.  We worry if we are enough and if we are doing things right.  We convince ourselves that we just do everything wrong so much of the time.  And I think we need to give ourselves a break.  As women, we do so much right. And we fail to see what actually do right and we only see what we didn’t get quite right.  But when it comes to sex, if you are an active, willing participant.  If you are trying to turn your husband on and working to enjoy what he is doing for you, then you are getting it right.  All any man wants, really, is to know that you are loving it too.  Even if things don’t quite go right, as long as you are both trying, that is all that matters.

When we are anxious about what we are doing, then again, you block yourself from being fully present and feeling all of the desire and arousal that you could be feeling.  But when you can let go and truly just be in the moment and enjoying what ever happens – touching and being touched, watching your partner get turned on by what you are doing, that is when things get really good.

Conclusion

So just a quick recap of the 5 mistakes women often make in bed.

1. We are too subtle in initiating
2. We have too light of a touch
3. We are too worried about our bodies
4. We fail to teach
5. We worry about doing it right

So what is the general consensus?  We need to be confident in ourselves and approach our husband and his body confidently as well.  Confidence is one of the things we work on in my Embrace You Group Coaching Program.  I want to help you be confident in every part of your life, marriage, and sex life.  I’ve just opened up registration for my February and March groups.  The February group is an evening group and it is almost full already, so if you need an evening group, you’ll want to hop on that pretty quick.  You can learn all about my group coaching program at AmandaLouder.com/groups