Blog

Many women tell me that sex is boring for them, which is one of the reasons why they don’t have a strong desire for it.  No one craves boredom.  We crave pleasure, excitement, novelty, and fun.  And if sex is boring, you are probably not having any of those things.  But one of the biggest reasons why women are bored is because they often aren’t being an active participant.

You’ve probably heard me talk about my daughter that plays softball.  She’s played softball since she was 7 years old.  Softball has NEVER been boring to her because she’s an active participant.  But over the years, I have seen many of her teammates who are bored.  They are bored in the dugout.  They are bored in the field.  What’s the difference?  The ones who are bored sit on the bench, don’t pay attention, and aren’t invested in their teammates, themselves, or the game.  Even when my daughter isn’t going to bat that inning or sits on the bench instead of being out in the field, she’s being an active participant by paying attention to what’s happening.  Not only is she cheering her teammates on, but she’s paying attention to the pitcher and the pitches that are being thrown.  She’s paying attention to the umpire and his strike zone.  She’s paying attention to where the balls are hit and which players to try and avoid hitting a ball to.  She’s cheering her teammates in the field and giving them specific comments when the inning is over about how they played.  She’s never bored because she’s an active participant no matter what’s happening.

So what does it mean to be an active participant in sex?  It means touching, feeling, using your imagination, actively receiving, and not just going through the motions.  

Being an active participant in sex means actively engaging in and contributing to the sexual experience with your partner. This includes enthusiastic consent, communication, and a willingness to explore and fulfill each other’s desires and needs. It involves being present in the moment, expressing your desires and boundaries, and being responsive to your partner’s cues and feedback. Active participation fosters a mutually satisfying and enjoyable sexual encounter built on trust, communication, and respect.

Here are a few more ideas on how to be an active participant in sex: 

1. Communicate: Talk openly with your partner about your desires, fantasies, and what you both enjoy in bed. Honest communication can lead to new ideas and experimentation.

2. Try New Things: Explore different positions, locations, or activities to spice things up. Introducing variety can add excitement to your sexual encounters.

3. Focus on Sensations: Pay close attention to the physical sensations you’re experiencing. Mindfulness can help you stay present and engaged.

4. Use Props and Toys: Incorporating sex toys or props can add novelty and excitement to your sexual experiences.

5. Role-Play: Engage in role-playing scenarios to create a sense of adventure and novelty in the bedroom.

6. Set the Mood: Change the ambiance with lighting, music, or scents to create a more sensual atmosphere.

7. Fantasy and Imagination: Let your imagination run wild and share your sexual fantasies with your partner.

8. Experiment with Foreplay: Spend more time on foreplay, exploring each other’s bodies and building anticipation.

9. Plan Surprises: Surprise your partner with unexpected gestures or activities to keep things fresh.

10. Prioritize Emotional Connection: Remember that emotional intimacy can enhance physical pleasure. Strengthen your emotional bond with your partner.

Ultimately, maintaining open communication with your partner and being willing to explore new things together can help prevent boredom and rekindle excitement in your sexual relationship.

In addition to being an active participant and finding ways to keep boredom at bay, being a good receiver during sex is important for both partners’ enjoyment and comfort. Men’s sexuality tends to be more generous in nature and they enjoy giving to their partner maybe even more than they enjoy receiving.  But as women, we have been conditioned to always be the giver and we aren’t as good at receiving.  It often feels selfish to receive.  But when we can receive, we are truly stepping into our feminine energy and we are allowing our husband to give to us.  And it is through this process that we can be an active participant in the receiving and be nourished through our sexuality.  Sex becomes a place where we don’t have to take care of our spouse but be taken care of.  Sex becomes about us as women rather than what we have been taught, that sex is just for men.

Here are some tips on how to be a good receiver:

1. Communicate: Share your desires, preferences, and boundaries with your partner. Effective communication is key to ensuring you receive the kind of touch, stimulation, and intimacy that you enjoy, which helps with boredom.

2. Provide Feedback: Give positive feedback when your partner is doing something you like. This encourages them to continue and helps create a more pleasurable experience for both of you.

3. Relax and Be Present: Focus on the sensations that you are experiencing in your body and the connection with your partner rather than getting caught up in your thoughts or worries. Deep breathing and relaxation techniques can help.  This takes practice but it’s just a matter of continuing to bring your mind back to what is happening over and over, without judgment.

4. Be Responsive: Show your enthusiasm and arousal through sounds, body movements, and verbal cues. Let your partner know when something feels especially good.

5. Guide your Partner: If your partner isn’t hitting the right spots or using the right pressure, gently guide them or provide direction to help them understand your preferences.

6. Trust your Partner: Trust is crucial for a satisfying sexual experience. Trust that your partner respects your boundaries and desires and that you can communicate openly without judgment.

7. Experiment and Explore: Be open to trying new things and exploring different sensations and activities with your partner. Variety can keep things exciting.

8. Take Care of your Own Pleasure: Understand what pleases you, and don’t be afraid to take an active role in your own pleasure during sex. Masturbation or guiding your partner’s hand can be enjoyable and help you achieve the desired level of stimulation.

9. Post-Sex Communication: Afterward, share your thoughts and feelings about the experience with your partner. This can help improve future encounters. Try to stay positive focusing on what you did like and want more of rather than what you don’t.

Remember that being a good receiver is a two-way street. Your partner should also be attentive to your needs and desires and actively seek to provide pleasure. Open communication and mutual consideration are key to a satisfying sexual connection.  When you can be an active participant and be a good receiver, boredom is a lot less likely.

Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. Goodbye for now.