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I’ve spent thousands of hours on Zoom with couples. Some come in hopeful, ready to work. Others come in hoping I’ll somehow fix things for them. Within the second or third conversation, I can usually tell which patterns are getting in the way. Which couples are showing up as a team and which ones have already emotionally checked out.

It’s not about the size of their problems. A couple might be dealing with complete sexual disconnect, infidelity, financial crisis, or deep betrayal and still have the tools to rebuild. Another couple might have what looks like a minor communication issue on the surface, but the patterns underneath tell a different story. They won’t make it.

The difference isn’t the problem. It’s how they’re approaching it.

One Person Does All the Talking

When I’m on a coaching call with a couple, one of the first things I notice is who’s speaking.

One person is usually still trying. They’re offering ideas, explaining what needs to change, working hard in the session. The other one is quiet. Maybe they’ve emotionally checked out. Maybe they’re done being positioned as the broken one who needs fixing. Maybe they tried to engage before and didn’t feel heard, so they stopped trying.

I can see the pattern.

In couples who are still working, the dynamic looks different. Both people talk. There’s give and take. The quiet moments are actual pauses, not a shutdown. They listen to each other.

In couples heading for breakdown, the pattern sticks. One person keeps trying, keeps talking. The other one stays quiet. The gap between them gets wider. And every time the talkative one brings up another idea, another suggestion, another way things need to change, the quiet one withdraws a little more. Silence isn’t peace. It’s resignation.

Xavier and Alicia came to me for coaching together. From the very first call, the pattern was already there. Xavier did almost all the talking. He’d go on for five, ten minutes at a stretch, explaining what was wrong, what they needed to fix, why she wasn’t trying hard enough. But he was also explaining all the ways he was doing the right things. He was defending his position. Alicia would answer direct questions, but she volunteered almost nothing. When I asked her what she was thinking, she’d give one-word answers. Eventually she stopped making eye contact with him altogether.

That pattern didn’t start with their coaching. It had been building for years.

When one person withdraws like that, when they stop engaging, something else disappears. The ability to see the good stuff.

They Can’t Say Anything Positive About Each Other

I have a simple test I often use early in coaching. I ask each person, “Tell me something you appreciate about your partner.”

With couples who are rebuilding something real, this isn’t easy, but they can do it. Even angry, hurting couples can find something. “I appreciate that he keeps trying even though he’s frustrated.” “I appreciate that she’s willing to be here having this conversation.” Something real.

But some couples can’t do it. There’s a long pause. A struggle. An “I guess they’re… fine?” Everything gets qualified. “He’s good at his job, but he doesn’t help around the house.” “She’s pretty, I mean, she was before…” They can’t access anything positive without attaching a problem to it.

And that tells me something crucial: they’re not seeing their partner as a complex person anymore. They’ve reduced them to a collection of flaws. When all you can see are the problems, there’s nothing left to build on. Love needs some positive material to work with. Without it, there’s no foundation.

With Xavier and Alicia, I asked Alicia what she appreciated. She sat there for almost a minute. Then she said, “I don’t know. I used to. I can’t find it right now.” That answer told me everything. It’s not that there’s nothing good about Xavier. It’s that years of disappointment, criticism, and feeling unheard had erased her ability to see it.

I worked with another couple, Dominic and Violet, who showed me this pattern differently. When I asked Violet what she appreciated about Dominic, she immediately said, “He’s a good provider.” And then nothing else came. I waited. She said, “I mean, he pays the bills on time.” She could describe what he does, not who he is. The appreciation exists, but it’s gone hollow. She’s reciting function, not expressing connection.

And here’s what happens next. When couples can’t access the good, they start seeing everything as always bad.

Everything Becomes “You Always” or “You Never”

When couples start using absolute language, I pay attention. “You always ignore me.” “You never help.” “You’re just like this every time.”

Absolutes mean they’re not seeing the situation. They’re seeing a pattern so painful it’s become permanent in their mind. And once someone locks into that way of thinking, nuance disappears. Their partner isn’t a person who sometimes does a thing. They’re a person who is a certain way. Period.

This language is dangerous because it’s corrosive. Imagine hearing “you always” statements about yourself. Imagine that becoming the lens through which you see yourself in the marriage. Eventually you start living into it. “Well, if I always do that, there’s no point in trying to be different.”

Alicia started using this language about two months into their coaching. “You always put yourself first.” “You never listen to what I actually need.” And when I pointed it out, she defended it. “It’s true. He does always do that.” But the problem was, from Xavier’s perspective, he wasn’t always doing those things. He was making different choices in certain moments. And when every choice gets lumped into “you always,” the few times he gets it right go invisible.

When you’re locked into that thinking, there’s only one place to put the blame. And that’s where the next pattern lives.

One Person Refuses to Take Any Responsibility

Healthy relationships need two people willing to be accountable. Not blame themselves for everything. Not perfect. Just willing to own their part.

When one person refuses to do that, the path forward closes. Every issue becomes the other person’s fault. “I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t…” “This wouldn’t be happening if you were different.” Even in the context of their own behavior, they’re deflecting. And once that pattern is solid, nothing changes. The one person stops trying because they don’t see their behavior as something they can control. They see themselves as constantly reacting to the other person’s failures.

With Xavier, accountability was nearly impossible. If they weren’t having sex, it was because Alicia didn’t want it. If they fought, it was because she was defensive. If she felt hurt, it was because she was too sensitive. I’d ask him what role he played in certain dynamics, and he’d either go silent or turn it back around. That’s a wall. And when one person is behind that wall, the couple can’t do the work together.

That kind of wall usually means something else is happening. The person isn’t there to fix things anymore. They’re there to win.

They’re There to “Win,” Not to Heal

This might sound obvious, but it’s the most predictive pattern I see. Some couples come in wanting to fix things. They might be hurt, angry, or scared, but underneath it all, they want their marriage to work. They want to understand their partner. They want to rebuild.

Other couples come in trying to prove their case. They want me to agree they’re right. They want their partner to admit they were wrong. They want the coaching to validate their perspective. The goal isn’t reconciliation. The goal is being proven right.

When you’re treating your marriage like a courtroom, it’s already over. You’ve become opponents instead of partners.

Xavier and Alicia were heading in this direction. He’d make a point, look at me, waiting for me to validate it. When I didn’t, he’d push harder. He wasn’t interested in understanding why Alicia felt the way she did. He was interested in proving she was wrong about him. Those are two completely different conversations.

And when you’re trying to win instead of heal, something else stops working. Repair stops landing.

The Repair Attempts Fail

John Gottman has written about repair attempts in marriage. These are the moments when one person tries to break the cycle, reach for the other person, soften something. I’m sorry. A hand reaching out. A joke to lighten the mood. A moment of vulnerability.

In couples who make it, these attempts work sometimes. They get rejected sometimes too, but there’s still connection. The person trying knows they might get through. There’s a chance.

But in couples who are heading for breakdown, every repair attempt gets rejected. One person tries to lighten the mood, the other person rejects it. One person reaches out, the other pulls away. One person apologizes, the other brings up something completely different they did wrong. Every olive branch gets shot down.

When this pattern is solid, the person trying eventually stops trying. What’s the point? And that’s when the real disconnection begins. There’s too much resentment to overcome.

With Xavier and Alicia, the repair attempts had been failing for over a year. He’d try to apologize, she wouldn’t accept it. He’d try to be intimate, she’d freeze. She’d try to talk, he’d be somewhere else. He’d suggest they do something together, she’d say no. And because both of them had stopped trying, there was nothing left to build with.

So what do you do when you see all of these patterns? What changes?

What This Means for Your Marriage

These patterns don’t show up overnight. They build slowly, quietly sometimes. Recognizing them is not the same as being cursed.

If you’re seeing any of these patterns in your own marriage, something needs to change. It can change with one person, but it works better with two. If you both want to work on this together, couples coaching is there for you. But if your partner won’t come, individual coaching can help too. You can work on your part and show up differently. Sometimes changing how you show up is what shifts the dynamic from your side.

You need to be willing to look at your own part, to stay curious about your partner, to try repair even when it’s been rejected repeatedly, and to remember why you chose each other in the first place.

Xavier and Alicia’s story didn’t end the way I initially thought it might. It took four more sessions, and some hard conversations outside of our coaching calls, but something shifted. Alicia started talking again. Xavier started owning his part. Repair attempts started landing. They’d both recommitted to the relationship in a different way.

Sometimes couples who look like they’re done can still choose differently. Sometimes the patterns you’re in aren’t permanent.

With Dominic and Violet, the story was different. There are real tools that can help. Gottman’s work on appreciation is one of them. The repair attempts framework is another. Learning to recognize bids for connection and actually respond to them matters. But Dominic and Violet wouldn’t implement any of it. They just wanted to keep pointing fingers. So they made a different choice. They decided to part ways.

That decision was hard. But it felt like the right one for each of them. Sometimes the most loving thing two people can do is recognize it’s not going to work and end it instead of letting it become more corrosive.

The choice is often simpler than couples think. Sometimes it’s to stay and do the work. Sometimes it’s to leave.

I’ve got some reflection questions for you to sit with on your own, and some questions for you and your spouse to talk through together.