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I was speaking with a client a few weeks ago who was telling me about her mother.  She said her mom was a wonderful person who she learned a lot of great things from.  But as she was going through my course, she was also realizing that she also learned a lot of unhealthy traits from her mom as well.  And I find this really typical.  

Many of us had great parents.  Genuinely good people.  But even though they were good people, they didn’t necessarily model for us or teach us how to have healthy relationships and healthy sexual relationships because they didn’t know how to do that themselves.  So now that we are in relationships, how do we create a healthy one and model something better for our own children when it wasn’t modeled for us?

So today we are going to talk about traits of healthy couples and how to incorporate these traits into your own marriage.

Before we talk about the traits, let’s start with talking about why we want a healthy relationship in the first place.

First, it improves our emotional well-being.  When we have a healthy relationship it provides us with a sense of security and stability.  When you know you have a reliable partner, it reduces stress and anxiety, allowing you to focus on other areas of your life.  With how stressful life is already, knowing you have emotional support from a spouse is so important.  Together you can face life’s challenges head on.  Having someone who listens, understands, and supports you can make a significant difference in your ability to cope and thrive.

Second, it can actually improve your physical health.  Healthy relationships can lead to lower stress levels. Chronic stress is linked to numerous health issues, including heart disease, high blood pressure, and a weakened immune system. A supportive partner can help mitigate these effects. You can also encourage each other to adopt better health habits, such as exercising regularly, eating nutritious foods, and getting enough sleep.  I know that for me personally, I want to live a more healthy lifestyle because I am excited about my future with my spouse.  I’m excited for the days when we are retired and can travel together.  If we aren’t healthy, that’s not going to happen.  Studies have shown that people in healthy relationships tend to live longer. The emotional and physical support provided by a loving partner can contribute to overall well-being and longevity.

Third, it can help with your mental health. The emotional support and companionship provided by a partner can act as a buffer against depression and anxiety.  While many of us are predisposed to these conditions and a healthy relationship can‘t necessarily prevent them, it can help each of us weather them better.   Being in a loving and supportive relationship can boost your self-esteem and confidence. Knowing that someone loves and appreciates you for who you are helps reinforce positive self-perception. 

Fourth, there are social benefits to being in a healthy relationship.  Being in a relationship often expands your social network, introducing you to new friends and connections. This enriched social life can lead to a greater sense of community and belonging.

And fifth, you are providing a positive impact on your children and those around you.  Healthy relationships serve as positive role models for children, family, and friends. Demonstrating respect, communication, and love in your relationship can inspire others to cultivate similar qualities in their own relationships. A healthy relationship provides a stable and nurturing environment. Children who grow up witnessing loving and respectful relationships are more likely to develop healthy relationships themselves. It also offers children a sense of security and stability, which is crucial for their emotional and psychological development.

Ok, let’s talk about the traits of healthy couples now:

• Boundaries with Family

One of the foundational traits of healthy couples is having clear boundaries with family. This doesn’t mean cutting off your family, but rather prioritizing your relationship. Healthy couples know that their relationship comes first. For example, if your parents invite you over for dinner every Sunday but you feel it’s taking away from your alone time as a couple, it’s okay to say no sometimes. It’s important to carve out time just for the two of you.

Decisions should be made based on what’s best for you as a couple, not solely on what family members think. For instance, if you’re deciding where to spend the holidays, weigh the pros and cons together and make a choice that works best for your family unit.

Additionally, venting to family members about your partner can create unnecessary tension and bias. Instead, try to work through issues together. If you’re upset because your spouse forgot an anniversary, talking it out with them directly rather than complaining to your sibling can lead to a healthier resolution. I’ll put one caveat in here.  Don’t vent about normal marital issues. But, if there is something deeper going on, getting support from family is important.  I didn’t tell my family about the abuse that was going on in my first marriage because I didn’t want to “talk bad about my spouse” to them and I think it kept me in the marriage far longer than I should have.

• Friendship as the Foundation

Healthy couples often have a strong foundation of friendship. They genuinely enjoy spending time together, whether it’s having fun grocery shopping or doing household chores. They look forward to catching up after a long day, sharing the little details of their day, and celebrating each other’s successes. This friendship is the cornerstone of their relationship, offering a shoulder to lean on during tough times and cheering each other on in successes.

Dr. John Gottman, co-founder of the Gottman Institute said, “Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship, mutual respect and enjoyment of each other’s company.” 

• Weathering Hard Times Together

All couples face challenges, but healthy couples choose to stay and work through them. It’s normal to question your choices sometimes, especially during tough periods. Imagine a couple facing financial difficulties; they might wonder if they made the right choice, but healthy couples dig deep and support each other. They actively choose to stay together and work through their issues, whether that involves couples coaching, taking time to reconnect, or simply being patient with each other. Going through hardships together builds trust. When a couple overcomes a significant challenge, like a serious illness or a job loss, they come out stronger on the other side, knowing they can rely on each other.

• Respecting Individuality

Respect and admiration are crucial in a healthy relationship. Healthy couples have a base level of respect and admiration for each other. They don’t try to change each other but rather appreciate their differences. For example, one might love outdoor adventures while the other prefers quiet nights in, and they find a balance that respects both preferences. This freedom brings out the best in them. When partners feel accepted for who they are, they are more likely to thrive and be their best selves. Criticism and contempt can erode this respect. 

• Effective Communication

Communication is key, and healthy couples are not afraid to have tough talks. They communicate regularly and are open to each other’s perspectives. For example, they might set aside time each week to discuss any issues or simply check in with each other’s feelings. They don’t cope by avoiding, denying, or getting defensive. If there’s an issue, they face it head-on rather than sweeping it under the rug. They know how to regulate their emotions, so conversations rarely turn into explosive arguments. Instead of yelling during a disagreement, they take a moment to cool down and approach the topic calmly.

• Navigating Conflict

Yes, even healthy couples fight, but it’s how they handle it that matters. It’s natural to get on each other’s nerves sometimes. Maybe one partner always forgets to take out the trash, and it frustrates the other. They know how to navigate conflict, bounce back, and move forward. They might have a heated argument but then sit down and talk through their feelings, finding a resolution that works for both.  All couples go through periods of harmony, disharmony, and repair.  Healthy couples repair quickly.

• Appreciating Each Other’s Quirks

Healthy couples appreciate each other’s quirks. They acknowledge and appreciate the quirks in each other. Maybe one partner has a habit of singing loudly in the shower, and instead of being annoyed, the other finds it endearing. Even if these quirks can be annoying, they make light of them and avoid being hyper-critical. They might joke about it lovingly rather than letting it become a point of contention.

• Shared Values and Goals

Healthy couples often share similar values and long-term goals. For instance, they may both prioritize family, career aspirations, or personal growth. This common vision helps them move in the same direction and support each other’s dreams. They also support each other’s individual goals. If one partner wants to go back to school, the other provides encouragement and assistance to make that happen.  Shared values don’t mean that you have to think and believe the same things.  But shared values are important.

• Physical Intimacy

Physical intimacy is crucial in maintaining a strong bond. Healthy couples regularly show affection through hugs, kisses, and other forms of physical touch. This keeps the connection alive and reinforces their love for each other. They prioritize a healthy sex life, understanding that sexual intimacy is a key component of a fulfilling relationship. They communicate openly about their needs and desires, ensuring both partners feel satisfied and connected.

• Mutual Respect and Equality

Healthy couples view their relationship as a partnership of equals. Decisions are made together, and both partners have an equal say in important matters. This creates a balanced and respectful dynamic. They respect each other’s individuality and personal space. For example, they support each other’s hobbies and friendships outside the marriage, understanding that a healthy amount of independence can strengthen their bond. Healthy couples take a more egalitarian approach to household chores, parenting, and careers.  Traditional gender roles aren’t a prescribed notion but roles are discussed and agreed on together.

•  Humor and Playfulness

Healthy couples know how to have fun and keep things light-hearted. They can joke around, tease each other playfully, and share laughter, which helps to keep the relationship enjoyable and less stressful. They often use humor to diffuse tense situations. If a disagreement starts to escalate, a well-timed joke can sometimes help to bring things back into perspective and ease the tension.

• Appreciation and Gratitude

Regularly expressing appreciation and gratitude for each other helps to reinforce positive feelings. A simple “thank you” for making dinner or a note of appreciation for a small act of kindness can go a long way. They acknowledge each other’s efforts and contributions to the relationship. Recognizing the little things your partner does shows that you value and appreciate them.

• Flexibility and Adaptability

Life is full of unexpected changes, and healthy couples know how to adapt and be flexible. Whether it’s a job change, moving to a new city, or adjusting to parenthood, they support each other and find ways to navigate these transitions together. They are willing to compromise and make adjustments for the sake of the relationship. If one partner has a demanding work schedule, the other might take on more household responsibilities temporarily to keep things balanced.

• Maintaining a Positive Outlook

Healthy couples maintain a positive outlook, even during tough times. This doesn’t mean ignoring problems, but rather focusing on solutions and believing in their ability to overcome challenges together. They celebrate their successes, both big and small. Whether it’s a job promotion, a personal achievement, or simply getting through a challenging week, they take time to acknowledge and enjoy these moments together.

• Continual Growth and Learning

Healthy couples encourage each other’s personal growth. They understand that as individuals grow, the relationship also evolves and improves. This might involve supporting each other in learning new skills, pursuing interests, or developing new perspectives. They also grow together by learning new things as a couple. This could be taking a class together, exploring new hobbies, or even attending workshops or retreats to strengthen their relationship skills.

Conclusion

Building and maintaining a healthy relationship is one of the most rewarding endeavors we can undertake. It requires effort, understanding, and a commitment to growth, but the benefits are profound. By doing so, you can create a bond that not only withstands the test of time but also enriches your everyday life.

Remember, it’s about the small, consistent actions that show love and respect. Whether it’s a thoughtful gesture, a heartfelt conversation, or simply being there for each other, these moments build a foundation of trust and intimacy and create a dynamic partnership where both individuals can thrive.

Thank you for joining me today. I hope this episode has inspired you to reflect on your own relationship and find new ways to strengthen and nurture it. 

Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. Goodbye for now.