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It’s always interesting to me when I look through the statistics for this podcast about what is of the most interest to people.  By and large, the top podcasts are ones that discuss technique.  Why is that?  Because people want a quick fix.

Last week we talked about novelty in the bedroom and how it is often used to try and make things better instead of the harder and deeper work in marriage.  

So let me say it again…

Better sex is not about technique.

It’s not about the right position, the perfect rhythm, or how long it lasts. It’s not about mastering foreplay like a checklist or learning some trick you read about online.

And listen—I love that curiosity and engaging in sex that is pleasurable for both parties is important.  Exploring something new can be exciting and connecting. Novelty can bring a fresh spark. 

But trying new things often becomes a substitute for doing the kind of growth that actually leads to better sex long term—not just different sex.

Because if we’re honest, most of us are hoping for a quick fix. Something to spark desire again. Something to finally make us feel wanted or confident or connected. And technique feels like the easy answer.

But technique alone won’t heal emotional disconnection. It won’t resolve resentment. It won’t fix a dynamic where one partner feels invisible or the other feels inadequate.

So what will?

Let’s talk about what the harder work actually looks like, why we avoid it, and what’s possible when we stop skimming the surface and go deeper.

What Is the Harder Work?

The harder work is about creating the conditions where real connection can happen—not just physical contact.

It looks like:

• Being honest about your sexual desires, even if you’ve never said them out loud before.
• Exploring where your desire shuts down—what beliefs, shame, fears, or past experiences are hiding underneath.
• Listening to your spouse’s vulnerability without getting defensive or rushing to fix it.
• Building trust again if it’s been broken—maybe from years of rejection or pressure or misunderstanding.

Let’s look at a few examples.

Example: A wife comes to me saying, “I just want to want sex again.” And we could easily jump to hormone levels or sensual techniques. But as we talk, it becomes clear: she doesn’t trust her husband emotionally. He’s critical during the day and disconnected during conversations. So why would her body say yes to connection at night?

The real work for her is learning to express what she needs in order to feel emotionally safe, and for him, it’s being willing to hear that without defensiveness. That’s what unlocks her desire—not lingerie or massage oil.

Example: A husband tells me, “I’m doing all the things—I help with the kids, I bring her flowers, I try to initiate gently—but she still pulls away.” What he hasn’t realized is that his desire feels like pressure to her. Every kind gesture feels like a setup for sex, not an expression of love. When he learns to connect without agenda, when he slows down and stops needing her to be different—then she begins to soften. Then her body starts to open.

The harder work is often about presence. It’s about how we show up emotionally, not just physically. It’s being real, being kind, and being willing to see each other—flaws and all.

Why Don’t We Want to Do the Harder Work?

Because it’s vulnerable.

Because it’s easier to try a new technique than to say, “I’m scared I’m not enough for you.”

It’s easier to schedule more sex than to say, “I feel ashamed of my body, and I’m afraid you don’t find me attractive anymore.”

It’s easier to focus on external solutions than to admit that something deeper isn’t working.

And we’re not taught how to do this. Most of us didn’t grow up in homes where vulnerability was modeled. We don’t know how to hold emotional space for a partner who’s hurting without taking it personally. We don’t know how to stay steady when our own fears get activated.

So we avoid. We distract. We blame technique.

Example: A couple came to me that had been married for 15 years. The wife has very little desire. The husband feels rejected. She’s thinking, “If I just learned how to do oral sex better, maybe that would help.” He’s thinking, “If I can just figure out how to make her orgasm more, maybe she’ll want it more often.” They’re both focused on performance—but underneath, neither of them feels truly connected.

They don’t talk about their fears, their resentment, their loneliness. And without those conversations, technique can’t fix what’s missing.

Sometimes we also fear what the deeper work might reveal. “What if we’re too different sexually?” “What if we’ve grown apart?” “What if I find out I’ve been doing it wrong all these years?”

But here’s what I tell my clients: you can’t lose what was never safe to begin with. If your sex life depends on performance, it was never secure. But if you’re willing to do the deeper work? That’s where you build something resilient—something that lasts.

What Are the Benefits of Doing the Work?

Doing the work brings peace. It brings freedom. It brings real pleasure.

Let’s talk about that.

• When you stop hiding behind performance, your body relaxes. And relaxed bodies feel more pleasure.
• When you start telling the truth, even if it’s messy, your partner learns how to really love you—not the version you’ve been pretending to be.
• When you create emotional safety, your nervous system feels less threatened, and your desire can emerge naturally.
• When you understand each other sexually and emotionally, sex becomes a playground instead of a pressure cooker.

Example: I worked with a couple where the wife had never had an orgasm in 20 years of marriage. They thought maybe it was a technique problem. And there were definitely some things that we tweaked to help but what we uncovered was that she had learned early on to prioritize his needs and suppress her own. She didn’t even let herself want things. Through coaching, she started to listen to her own body, speak up during sex, and allow herself to receive. And for the first time in two decades, she experienced pleasure—not because they changed the technique, but because she changed her relationship with herself.

Example: Another client told me, “For the first time, I feel like I’m making love to someone who knows me—not just someone who wants me to perform.” That’s the kind of sex that stays rich and meaningful for decades.

What Does This Kind of Sex Create?

It creates deep connection. Not just a temporary high, but a grounded sense of we’re in this together.

It creates emotional repair. Sex becomes a space where you reconnect after tension. Where you soften old hurts. Where you remember that even when life is messy, you belong to each other.

It creates a shared language. You start to understand each other’s signals, rhythms, and needs in a way that transcends words.

It also creates playfulness. When sex isn’t loaded with anxiety or resentment, you can experiment without fear. You can laugh, mess up, try again.

Example: I had a client who told me, “We had sex last night, and it wasn’t even that ‘hot’—but it felt like home.” That’s the kind of sex that comes from doing the work. It’s not always fireworks, but it’s deeply satisfying. It nourishes your soul.

This kind of sex also creates resilience. Life will bring illness, stress, aging. Bodies change. Circumstances change. But a couple who’s done the work can stay connected through all of it. They aren’t derailed by a dry spell or a medical issue. They adapt. They stay curious. They stay close.

But What If One Spouse Wants to Do the Work and the Other Doesn’t?

This is so, so common.

And it can feel lonely. You’re reading the books, listening to the podcasts, doing the work—and they’re… not.

First, I want to say: You’re not crazy for wanting more. You’re not “too much.” Wanting a rich emotional and sexual connection is not selfish. It’s holy. It’s human.

And if your spouse isn’t ready, that doesn’t mean your work is wasted. It’s not.

Example: One client came to me heartbroken that her husband refused to go to address the issues that were happening in their marriage and sexual relationship in either coaching or therapy. But as she did her own work—got clear on her desires, set boundaries with kindness, and stopped over-functioning—he began to shift. Not because she nagged or convinced him, but because her clarity created new space in the relationship. He felt it. And eventually, he became willing to explore more too.

That’s not always the case, of course. Some partners stay closed off. And that’s painful. But doing the work yourself brings you peace. It helps you show up in integrity. It gives you the confidence to say, “Here’s what I want. Here’s what I won’t settle for. And here’s how I’m going to love well, no matter what.”

Doing the work doesn’t guarantee your spouse will join you—but it guarantees that you will become someone more loving, more grounded, more whole.

And from that place, you can make wise decisions about your future.

So yes—try new things if you want to. Be playful. Be curious.

But just remember: better sex isn’t found in a technique. It’s found in trust. In honesty. In emotional safety. In presence.

Technique might spice things up for a night. But connection changes everything.

So if you’re ready to do the work, I’m cheering you on. You’re not behind. You’re not broken. You’re just beginning a new chapter—one that doesn’t settle for surface-level pleasure, but seeks something deeper.

Because you deserve that.

And your marriage does too.

Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. Goodbye for now.