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Let’s start with a story that might feel familiar.

You finally have a moment alone. The dishes are done, the kids are in bed, and it’s actually quiet. You’re thinking, “We should probably have sex—we haven’t in a while.” But when you start touching, it feels mechanical. The pressure builds: I need to make this count. I need to be into it. He needs to be into it. This needs to be amazing.

And just like that… it’s over. Maybe not physically, but emotionally. You’re in your head. He senses it. You both feel a little disappointed. And you tell yourself, “Maybe it’s better if we just wait for a time when everything feels right.”

But that time never really comes, does it?

This is why we need to talk about Good Enough Sex.

What is Good Enough Sex?

Good Enough Sex is a model that shifts the goal of sex away from perfection, and toward connection.

It was developed by sex therapists Barry and Emily McCarthy, who noticed that couples often hold themselves to unrealistic standards in the bedroom. They think sex has to be passionate, mutual, spontaneous, and orgasmic every single time to be “good.” And when that doesn’t happen, they feel like they’ve failed—or that something is wrong with their marriage.

But here’s the truth: most sex in long-term relationships is not earth-shattering. It’s not cinematic. It doesn’t come with a perfect soundtrack and a perfectly choreographed finish. It’s real. It’s imperfect. And it can still be deeply satisfying and meaningful.

Good Enough Sex says that sex can be valuable even when it’s not “the best ever.”
It’s about emotional presence, mutual respect, physical pleasure, and the willingness to show up—imperfectly but lovingly.

One wife I coached said, “We’ve always had this unspoken standard that unless sex is really amazing, it’s not worth doing. But that pressure made me not want it at all. When we shifted to just connecting—even if it wasn’t intense—it actually felt better.”

That’s the power of this model. It turns sex from a test into a relationship.

Why This Model is So Helpful

When we expect sex to always be perfect, we begin to measure our worth—and our spouse’s love—by outcomes.

We think:

• If I’m not always aroused, I must be broken.
• If my spouse doesn’t last long enough or didn’t read my mind, they must not care.
• If we didn’t both orgasm, it didn’t “count.”
• If we can’t do this thing that I want, then I don’t want it at all.

That thinking creates performance anxiety, discouragement, and a sense of failure—not connection.

Good Enough Sex removes that pressure.

It acknowledges that life is messy, bodies are unpredictable, and sex—like marriage—isn’t about achieving some perfect ideal. It’s about creating moments of closeness, warmth, and vulnerability together.

When a couple lets go of the demand for sex to be amazing every time, they often find they enjoy it more—because the pressure is gone.

And ironically, many couples find that when they aim for good enough, their sex life actually becomes better. Not just more frequent—but more affectionate, more curious, and more emotionally rich.

When is Good Enough Sex Especially Helpful?

1. Early Parenthood

This is one of the biggest transitions a couple can face. Your bodies have changed. Your schedules are dictated by nap times and feedings. You’re both exhausted. And you’re relearning who you are—not just as individuals, but as parents and partners.

Sex during this season often feels like another task on the to-do list, or it’s surrounded by guilt: We should be doing this… but I’m so touched out. I don’t feel sexy. What if the baby wakes up?

Good Enough Sex says: it doesn’t have to be long, or intense, or fully planned. It can be a quick moment of reconnection. It can be lying together in the dark, touching each other lovingly. It can be laughter in the middle of fumbling. The point isn’t perfection. It’s presence.

2. During Stress, Illness, or Recovery

There are times when life feels heavy—emotionally, physically, or spiritually. Maybe one of you is facing depression, anxiety, a health diagnosis, grief, or burnout. In those moments, sex might not look the way it used to.

And instead of forcing a performance or avoiding sex altogether, Good Enough Sex offers a third way: gentle, pressure-free intimacy that’s about being with each other. That might mean naked cuddling. Or mutual touch without expectations. Or simply holding hands while breathing together.

One couple told me, “We were going through such a hard season that full-on sex felt impossible. But we started holding each other every night, skin to skin. And honestly—that felt more intimate than sex had in years.”

Sex isn’t always about climax. Sometimes it’s about closeness.

3. When There’s a Desire Mismatch

In almost every marriage, there’s a higher-desire and a lower-desire partner. That’s normal. But when sex becomes a scoreboard—one asking, the other avoiding—resentment builds fast.

Good Enough Sex reframes the goal. It says: instead of focusing on how often you’re having sex, focus on how you’re showing up when you do. Can you meet with kindness? Can you adjust expectations? Can you co-create experiences that feel good to both of you—even if they’re not identical every time?

Sometimes that means one partner initiates and the other responds. Other times it means one is more physically engaged while the other is more emotionally present. The goal is mutual care, not symmetrical desire.

Desire doesn’t have to be perfectly matched—it just has to be negotiated with love.

4. During Faith or Identity Transitions

For those who grew up with purity culture, shame around sex, or rigid gender roles, it can take time to unlearn the belief that sex is either sacred and perfect or dirty and dangerous. If your beliefs are shifting—or if you’re healing from shame—Good Enough Sex creates space to explore without fear.

You don’t have to go from repressed to passionate overnight. You can start with maybe. You can start with I’m willing to try. You can ask yourself, How does this feel in my body? Do I feel safe? Seen? Respected?

The healing journey is rarely linear. Good Enough Sex makes it possible to keep moving forward—even when the path is slow.

When One Partner Can’t Give What the Other Needs

Now let’s talk about something even more tender.

What if one of you wants to connect, but physically or emotionally can’t give the other what they need to feel fully satisfied?

This might look like:

• A wife who can only orgasm through deep penetration, but her husband struggles with premature ejaculation.
• A husband who needs emotional intimacy during sex, but his wife feels numb due to unresolved trauma or dissociation.
• A partner experiencing menopause, chronic illness, or pelvic pain that makes sex difficult or painful.
• A man with erectile dysfunction who feels ashamed and avoids all physical intimacy.

This isn’t about refusal. It’s about limits. About capacity. And those can be heartbreaking.

So what do you do when there’s a real gap between what’s wanted and what’s possible?

1. Allow Grief Without Blame

It’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to say, “This isn’t what I hoped sex would be.” That doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful. It means you care. It means you long for connection.

One wife told me, “I hate that my body can’t do what it used to. I want to give my husband pleasure, but my pain makes me dread sex.” Another said, “He feels like a failure because he finishes too soon. But all I want is closeness. I don’t blame him—but he does.”

Good Enough Sex makes space for that grief. It says: You can love each other deeply, even in the middle of this gap.

2. Explore Other Ways of Giving and Receiving

When intercourse isn’t working, couples often stop all sexual activity. But that’s not necessary.

Pleasure doesn’t have to come from penetration. It can come from oral sex, hands, toys, mutual touch, eye contact, words. It can come from simply lying naked together and being seen.

And for the partner who can’t give in a particular way—you can still offer your presence. You can love your spouse with your attention, your curiosity, your willingness.

You are more than your performance.

3. Name the Difference Between a Limit and Avoidance

Sometimes a partner’s inability is based on trauma, fear, shame, or inexperience—not a permanent limitation.

In those cases, Good Enough Sex is a place to start—but not stay. It becomes a stepping stone while you both do the work to heal, grow, or get support.

This might mean seeing a pelvic floor therapist, or getting help with sexual anxiety, or working with someone like me to rebuild your sexual foundation. It might mean redefining sex altogether.

Good Enough Sex doesn’t say: “Never grow.” It says: “Love each other as you are, while you grow.”

How to Adopt the Good Enough Sex Mindset

So how do you actually start living this out?

Redefine Success

Success isn’t about orgasm, duration, or novelty. It’s about connection, comfort, and willingness.

Ask yourself:

• Did we feel emotionally safe?
• Did we enjoy something about the experience?
• Do I want to try again sometime?

If the answer is yes—you’re doing just fine.

Get Curious Instead of Critical

After sex, reflect together:

• What felt good?
• What was sweet?
• What felt awkward or hard?
• Is there something we’d like to explore next time?

This keeps sex evolving together, not in isolation.

Practice Willingness Over Readiness

You don’t always need to feel ready to start. Sometimes desire grows as you engage.

That doesn’t mean pushing past your no. It means honoring your maybe.

Let yourself explore without knowing exactly where it will lead. And trust that stopping midway is still an option. It’s not failure. It’s being present.

Talk About It Kindly

Tell your spouse: “I’m trying to let go of pressure around sex. I want to make room for us to connect without needing it to be amazing. I just want it to feel loving, curious, and safe.”

That kind of conversation creates so much emotional safety—and opens the door for deeper connection.

Final Thoughts

Good Enough Sex is not a downgrade.
It’s not the consolation prize.
It’s the real prize.

Because when you let go of unrealistic expectations, you begin to find the real gold:

• Connection without pressure.
• Pleasure without performance.
• Vulnerability without shame.
• Faithfulness without perfection.

You don’t need movie-scene sex to have a holy marriage.
You need honest, imperfect, beautiful, consistent efforts to come back to each other with love.

And that is more than enough.

Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. Goodbye for now.