Blog

I was recently listening to an incredible conversation between Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers and my good friend Dr. Cami Hurst on her podcast, the Sex Therapy 101 podcast.  On the podcast, Dr. Sellers said something that I wanted to expand on and share with you. She talked about how there’s a fundamental difference between sex drive and sexual desire, which I know we’ve talked about here and there on this podcast.  But I think it warrants conversation all on its own.  Most people don’t understand the difference and I think this is one of the most important concepts we can understand as married couples. Understanding this distinction might just revolutionize your marriage.

So let’s dive right in and unpack this together.

What is Sex Drive?

Let’s start with sex drive. Dr. Sellers explains it this way: sex drive is “your desire to move through your arousal cycle.” Now, what does that mean exactly?

Think of sex drive as this biological urge that most people experience. It’s tied to our hormones, and honestly, it’s been designed to keep our species alive. It’s that feeling of “I need some kind of sexual release.” It’s physical, it’s biological, and it happens whether you’re thinking about your spouse or not.

Here’s a perfect example: You know that feeling when you wake up in the morning and you just feel… ready? Your body is responding to hormone levels, not necessarily to thoughts about your spouse. Or maybe you’re stressed at work, and suddenly you’re thinking about sex as a way to release that tension. That’s sex drive.

And here’s something really important that Dr. Sellers emphasizes: “It is NEVER your partner’s responsibility to take you through your arousal cycle.” Did you hear that? Let me say it again. It is NEVER your partner’s responsibility to take you through your arousal cycle.  Your sex drive is YOUR responsibility to manage.

Now, I know some of you are thinking, “But wait, isn’t that what marriage is for?” And I get it – we’ve been taught that marriage is the appropriate outlet for our sexual desires. But there’s a difference between having an outlet and making it someone else’s responsibility.

Think about it this way: if you’re hungry, you don’t expect your spouse to drop everything and feed you, right? You take care of your hunger. You might ask them to join you for a meal, you might cook together, but ultimately, your hunger is yours to manage. The same principle applies here.

Dr. Sellers mentions that “you have two hands to deal with that” – and yes, she’s talking about masturbation. I know this might make some of you uncomfortable, especially in our LDS culture, but hear me out. Taking care of your own sex drive through self-pleasure can actually take the pressure off your spouse and your marriage.  When you stop making your spouse responsible for taking you through your arousal cycle, there is a lot less pressure on them, which creates more space for actual desire.

What is Sexual Desire?

Now let’s talk about sexual desire, which is completely different. Dr. Sellers describes it beautifully. Sexual desire is when “you want intimacy with [your spouse].. You want [them] to be there. You want [them] to want you, to want to be there. You want to feel that heat and fire and desire in [them].”

Do you see the difference? Sexual desire isn’t just about physical release – it’s about connection. It’s about wanting to be seen, known, loved, and accepted by your partner. It’s about feeling that your spouse desires YOU, not just physical relief.

Let me paint a picture for you. Imagine a husband who approaches his wife for sex. If he’s operating from sex drive alone, he might say something like, “Hey, I’m really in the mood tonight. Can we?” He’s focused on his physical need.

But if he’s operating from sexual desire, he might say, “I’ve been thinking about you all day. I love the way you smiled at me this morning, and I just want to be close to you tonight. I want to connect with you.” See the difference? He’s focused on HER, on connection, on intimacy.

Or think about it from a wife’s perspective. Maybe she’s been feeling disconnected lately. Her husband keeps asking for sex, but she doesn’t feel like he really sees her. She feels like she’s just a solution to his physical need. Dr. Sellers captures this perfectly when she describes a woman saying, “[She] doesn’t want to do it ever” because she doesn’t feel safe – she doesn’t want to be hurt or taken advantage of or made to do something she doesn’t want to do.

The Problem with Transactional Sex

Here’s where Dr. Sellers really hits the nail on the head. She says, “We set you up for this transactional sexual life.” And oh my goodness, is this true in our culture!

Think about how we talk about sex, especially in religious communities. We often frame it as an obligation, a duty, something you owe your spouse. “Be available to your husband.” “Don’t deprive each other.” We’ve created this transactional system where sex becomes something you give or receive rather than something you experience together.

And here’s something that happens so often – many women have been conditioned to interpret their husband’s sexual interest as neediness or pressure, when it might actually be genuine desire. Because of how we’ve been taught to think about male sexuality, we often see a husband’s approach as “he’s being needy again” instead of “he desires me.” Ladies, if your husband is approaching you sexually, try asking yourself: is he expressing a biological need that he wants me to take care of, or is he actually desiring connection with me? And then communicate about it! You can say something like, “Help me understand – are you feeling like you need physical release, or are you wanting to connect with me specifically?” This kind of conversation can help both of you understand what’s really happening.

I see this all the time in my coaching. Couples come to me and they’re basically keeping score. “I gave him sex on Tuesday, so he should be good until the weekend.” Or “She hasn’t wanted to be intimate in two weeks – what’s wrong with her?”

But here’s the thing – when sex becomes transactional, it kills sexual desire. Sure, it might meet someone’s sex drive, but it doesn’t create that beautiful intimacy that we’re all craving.

Let me give you an example from my own life. In my first marriage, I thought I was being a good wife, but because I wasn’t really feeling it, I would have sex when I felt like I had to – just to get him off my back for a while and give me a break. I was meeting his sex drive, but I wasn’t experiencing sexual desire myself. And you know what? He could tell. I was just going through the motions, like I was checking a box rather than actually wanting to be with him.

But in my current marriage, everything changed. It’s not about drive at all – it’s all about desire. I want HIM. It’s about HIM and being with HIM. That’s why sex always sounds like a good idea to me now. Because it’s about the two of us connecting, not about filling some biological need. When you understand this difference, when you experience sexual desire for your specific partner rather than just managing sex drive, it transforms everything.

The Beautiful Truth About Intimacy

Dr. Sellers says something so beautiful: “You want to be seen, known, loved and accepted by your partner. That’s intimacy. We have a human desire for intimacy and our hands are never going to get us there.”

This is so important! Your sex drive can be managed on your own, but sexual desire – true intimacy – that requires both of you. It requires vulnerability, connection, emotional safety, and mutual desire.

Think about the most amazing intimate experiences you’ve had with your spouse. I’m willing to bet it wasn’t just about the physical act. It was about feeling completely connected, completely desired, completely safe with each other. That’s what sexual desire creates – it creates intimacy.

And here’s the beautiful part: “Together as a couple, we can get there.” We can learn to create this kind of intimacy with each other.

Learning New Skills

Dr. Sellers acknowledges that “it takes a lot of different kinds of skills and we did not give them to you as a culture. It is our fault.” But then she offers hope: “We can teach you to have this with each other.”

So what are these skills? Well, they’re not the skills we usually think about when we think about sex. They’re things like:

• Learning to communicate about your desires without shame
• Understanding your own body and arousal patterns
• Creating emotional safety in your relationship
• Practicing vulnerability and emotional intimacy
• Learning to be present with each other
• Understanding the difference between pressure and invitation
• Developing the ability to say yes from desire rather than obligation

And here’s the thing – these skills can absolutely be learned. This is actually a lot of what I work on with my coaching clients. When couples come to me, they’re often stuck in these patterns of transactional sex, and we work together to build new skills for creating genuine desire and intimacy.

I see it happen all the time. A couple will come in feeling disconnected, maybe one person feels constantly rejected and the other feels constantly pressured. But as we work on these communication skills, as they learn to create safety for each other, as they understand the difference between sex drive and sexual desire, everything starts to shift.

One of my clients recently told me, “I finally understand what you mean about desire. For the first time in years, I actually wanted to be with my husband, not because I felt like I should, but because I genuinely desired him.” That’s what these skills can create.

Let me give you a practical example. Instead of saying, “Do you want to have sex tonight?” try saying, “I’ve been thinking about how beautiful you are, and I’d love to spend some intimate time together if you’re interested. What would feel good for you right now?”

See how the second approach creates space for both sex drive AND sexual desire? It acknowledges your physical interest while also inviting connection and considering their desires.

Practical Application

So how do we apply this in our marriages? Here are some things to consider:

First, take responsibility for your own sex drive. If you’re feeling that biological urge, don’t automatically expect your spouse to take care of it. Ask yourself: am I actually desiring intimacy with my partner, or am I just wanting physical release?

Now, this doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t approach your spouse. But be honest about what you’re experiencing and focus on building connection along the way. For example, instead of just saying “I’m really horny, can we have sex?” try something like “I’m feeling really attracted to you right now, and I’d love to connect with you. I’m also feeling some physical desire, and I want to be honest about that. Would you be interested in spending some intimate time together? And if not tonight, that’s okay too – maybe we could just cuddle and connect.”

See the difference? You’re being honest about your physical state, but you’re also focusing on connection and giving them genuine choice without pressure.

Second, focus on building sexual desire through connection. Spend time really seeing your spouse. Notice them. Appreciate them. Create emotional intimacy throughout the day, not just when you want to be physical.

Third, have honest conversations about this with your spouse. Share what you’ve learned. Talk about the difference between feeling used versus feeling desired.

And finally, be patient with yourselves. Dr. Sellers is right – our culture hasn’t taught us these skills. We’re all learning together.

A Word to Wives

Ladies, I want to speak to you for a moment. If you’ve been feeling like your husband only wants you for sex, or if you’ve been going through the motions out of duty, I want you to know that what you’re feeling is valid. You deserve to feel desired, not just used.

But I also want you to understand that your husband’s sex drive isn’t inherently bad or selfish. It’s biological. The key is helping him understand the difference between sex drive and sexual desire, and teaching him how to approach you in a way that creates desire rather than obligation.

And here’s something I want you to really think about: we need to examine our own conditioning around sex too. Sometimes we’ve been so trained to see male sexuality as demanding or needy that we automatically interpret our husband’s advances as pressure, even when he might genuinely be expressing desire for US specifically.

Ask yourself – when your husband approaches you sexually, are you immediately thinking “here we go again, he wants something from me” or are you open to the possibility that he’s saying “I want YOU, I desire connection with YOU”? Our conditioning matters here. If we want to create more intimacy and connection in our marriages, we have to be willing to examine how we’re interpreting and responding to our husband’s expressions of desire. Sometimes what we’re calling neediness might actually be his way of saying he loves us and wants to be close to us.

A Word to Husbands

Husbands, I know this might be challenging to hear, but your wife is not responsible for managing your sex drive. She’s not a solution to your biological urges. But here’s the beautiful part – she CAN be your partner in creating incredible sexual desire and intimacy.

Focus on her. See her. Desire HER, not just physical release. Create safety for her. Show her that you want her heart, her mind, her whole self – not just her body.

Conclusion

I hope this has been eye-opening for you. Understanding the difference between sex drive and sexual desire can absolutely transform your marriage. It can move you from transactional sex to true intimacy.

Remember, sex drive is about your individual arousal cycle – and that’s your responsibility to manage. Sexual desire is about intimacy, connection, and mutual longing – and that’s something beautiful you can create together.

The skills for creating this kind of intimacy can be learned. It’s not too late for your marriage. You don’t have to settle for transactional sex when you could have transformational intimacy.

Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. I’ll see you next week…ba-bye.