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Let me paint a picture that probably feels familiar. You and your husband have sex on Saturday night. It’s good, maybe even great. And then what happens? Especially if you’re typically the lower desire partner in your relationship, there’s this immediate sense of relief. Like, “Okay, done. Check that box. I don’t have to think about sex again for a while.”

And you might not think about it. Days go by. Maybe a week. You’re focused on work, the kids, the grocery list, that project you’re behind on. Sex? It’s not even on your radar. Your sexual energy has gone from whatever level it was at during sex back down to absolute zero. The pilot light is out.

Then Tuesday night rolls around and your husband gives you that look. Or he starts kissing your neck while you’re doing dishes. Or he says something flirty. And suddenly you’re expected to go from zero to sixty. From not thinking about sex at all to being ready and interested and turned on.

No wonder it feels hard. No wonder you might feel frustrated or even a little irritated by his advance. You’re being asked to climb a mountain when you’re standing at sea level, and the climb feels exhausting before you even start.

The Problem with Turning Everything Off

Most couples operate this way without even realizing they’re doing it. After sex happens, there’s this unconscious shutdown of anything sexual. The lower desire partner especially tends to completely turn off that part of themselves. All those sexual thoughts, feelings, energy – gone. Lights out.

It makes sense why this happens. There’s often been so much pressure, so much mental and emotional energy spent getting to sex, that afterward there’s this massive exhale. “I did it. Now I can relax and not worry about this for a while.” It’s protective, in a way. A buffer against the pressure you might feel to have sex more often than you want to.

But think about what this pattern creates. Your husband is living in a completely different reality. He had sex on Saturday and he’s still thinking about you in that way. Maybe not constantly, but the sexual energy between you didn’t shut off for him. He’s still noticing you, still attracted, still feeling connected to you in that way.

So when Tuesday comes and he initiates, in his mind it’s not a huge leap. He’s been simmering all along. But for you? You have to go from off to on. From cold to hot. From zero interest to somehow manufacturing desire. It’s exhausting.

And the thing is, when this pattern repeats over and over – sex happens, you shut down, days or weeks pass, he initiates, you have to force yourself to get interested again – sex starts to feel like a chore. Another thing on your to-do list. Another demand on your already depleted energy.

Introducing the Simmer

What if there was a different way? What if after sex, instead of turning everything completely off, you just turned it down?

Imagine a pot of water on your stove. When you’re actively having sex, that water is at a rolling boil. But what if afterward, instead of turning the burner completely off and letting the water go cold, you just turned it down to low? The water stays warm. It’s simmering. And when the time comes to bring it back to a boil, you’re not starting from scratch. You just need to turn up the heat.

Or think about a campfire. When it’s roaring, that’s sex happening. But after sex, instead of dumping a bucket of water on those flames and letting everything go cold and dead, what if you just let it burn down to embers? Those embers are still warm. Still glowing. Still alive. And when you’re ready to build the fire back up, you’ve got something to work with. You’re not trying to start from scratch with cold wood and matches in the rain.

This is what simmering looks like in your sexual relationship. You’re not keeping yourself in a constant state of arousal – that would be exhausting and unrealistic. But you’re also not completely shutting down that part of yourself. You’re keeping a low, gentle awareness of your sexuality and your husband alive between sexual encounters.

Why Simmering Changes Everything

When you keep things simmering, sex becomes so much easier. Think about it. If you’ve maintained even a small amount of sexual awareness throughout the week, when your husband initiates on Tuesday, you’re not starting from zero. You’re starting from maybe a two or a three. And getting from a three to an eight is a much shorter journey than getting from zero to eight.

It makes the sexual relationship more fun. There’s an energy that exists between you when you’re simmering. Little moments of flirtation feel natural instead of forced. You might catch yourself appreciating the way he looks in his jeans. Or thinking about the last time you had sex. Or imagining the next time. These thoughts don’t have to lead anywhere immediately, but they keep that connection alive.

Simmering creates anticipation. And anticipation is one of the most powerful ingredients in sexual desire. When you completely shut down between sexual encounters, there’s no anticipation. There’s just pressure and obligation when the next request comes. But when you’re simmering, there’s this delicious tension. This awareness that sex will happen again, and maybe you’re even looking forward to it.

Let me give you an example. Sophia and her husband Tyler used to follow the old pattern. They’d have sex, and Sophia would immediately retreat into her non-sexual self. Sex felt like this big production that required so much mental and emotional energy that she needed days to recover. When Tyler would initiate again, she felt ambushed.

After learning about simmering, Sophia started experimenting with it. After they had sex, instead of immediately compartmentalizing that part of herself away, she let herself stay a little bit present to her sexuality. She’d remember something specific about their time together. She’d notice when Tyler looked particularly good. She’d let herself have passing thoughts about sex without immediately shutting them down or feeling like they meant she had to do something.

What she found surprised her. First, it actually didn’t increase the pressure she felt. If anything, it decreased it because she wasn’t having to make this massive mental shift every time Tyler was interested. Second, she found herself initiating more. Not constantly, but occasionally. Because she was already at a three instead of a zero, sometimes she’d find herself thinking, “You know what? I could be interested in this tonight.” Third, and maybe most importantly, she felt more connected to herself and to Tyler. That eros energy, that alive, vibrant, sexual energy, was present in their relationship more consistently.

What Happens When You Don’t Simmer

Let’s talk about what you’re missing when you keep turning everything completely off. When you don’t simmer, sex becomes entirely reactive. You’re only sexual when your husband initiates and you agree. You’re never sexual on your own terms. You’re never in touch with your own desire because you’ve shut it down so completely that you can’t even find it anymore.

Over time, this creates a relationship where sex is something that happens to you rather than something you participate in. You become the gatekeeper – the person who says yes or no – but you’re not an active, engaged participant in creating and nurturing your sexual relationship together.

It also makes rejection more common and more painful. When your husband initiates and you’re at zero, you’re more likely to say no because the climb feels too steep. And when you do say no repeatedly, he starts to feel rejected and unwanted. Even though that’s not your intention, that’s how it lands.

And it makes sex itself less satisfying. Because you’ve had to force yourself from zero to participating, you’re often going through the motions rather than being genuinely engaged. You might have sex, but it’s duty sex. You’re present physically but not mentally or emotionally. And afterward, you feel that relief again – “Okay, done, I don’t have to think about this again” – which just reinforces the whole exhausting cycle.

What you’re creating is a relationship where sexual energy exists in isolated incidents rather than as an ongoing, dynamic thread that runs through your life together. Sex becomes episodic instead of integrated. And that episodic nature makes it feel more burdensome, not less.

How to Actually Keep Things Simmering

So how do you actually do this? How do you keep things simmering without feeling like you’re constantly trying to be sexual or think about sex?

It starts small. Really small. After you have sex, instead of immediately compartmentalizing and moving on, let yourself stay present for just a little bit longer. Maybe you remember something specific you enjoyed. Not in a performance review kind of way, but just as a pleasant memory. The way he touched you. The way you felt. Something he said that made you smile.

Over the next few days, you practice staying a tiny bit aware of your husband as a sexual being. This doesn’t mean you’re constantly thinking about sex. It means you notice him. You see him. When he walks by, you might let yourself appreciate something about him physically. His arms. His smile. The way he moves. You’re not working yourself up or trying to get turned on. You’re just not actively shutting down those small moments of awareness.

You might let yourself have passing thoughts about sex without immediately dismissing them. Maybe you hear a song that reminds you of your early relationship. Or you smell his cologne and remember the last time you were close. Or you have a random thought about sex that your brain offers up. Instead of immediately pushing it away like it’s dangerous or inappropriate, you just let it be there. “Oh, that’s interesting that I thought of that.” And then you move on with your day.

The key is permission. You’re giving yourself permission to have a sexual self that exists outside of the actual act of having sex. You’re acknowledging that you’re a sexual person, not just a person who sometimes has sex.

Let me give you another example. Diane used to feel like she had two completely separate selves – her regular self who lived most of her life, and her sexual self who only showed up when her husband wanted to have sex. After her regular self had sex, that sexual self would disappear entirely until called upon again. It felt disconnected and honestly kind of weird.

When she started practicing simmering, she began thinking about it differently. She was just Diane. One person. And part of being Diane included being a sexual person. That didn’t mean she was always turned on or always thinking about sex, but it meant she didn’t have to completely turn off that part of herself between sexual encounters.

So she started small. She’d text her husband something slightly flirty during the day. Not overtly sexual, just a little bit playful. She’d let herself remember their last sexual encounter without immediately compartmentalizing it. She’d notice when she saw an attractive scene in a movie or read something that stirred something in her, and instead of immediately shutting it down, she’d just acknowledge it.

What she found was that this didn’t increase the pressure to have sex more often. Actually, it did the opposite. Because she wasn’t completely shut down, when her husband did initiate, she was already at a place where she could more easily connect with her own desire. Sometimes she’d even find herself initiating because she was already aware of that part of herself.

Creating Anticipation and Sexual Tension

One of the beautiful things about simmering is that it creates genuine anticipation. And anticipation is absolutely crucial for desire, especially for people who aren’t walking around spontaneously aroused all the time.

When you’re simmering, there’s this awareness that sex will happen again. Not in a dreaded, obligatory way, but in a “this is part of our relationship and I’m okay with that” way. And that awareness, that knowing, creates a low-level sexual tension between you.

You might catch his eye across the dinner table and have a shared moment of acknowledgment. Or he might touch your lower back as he walks past and you feel a little spark. Or you might think about him during the day and feel a small flutter of interest. These tiny moments compound. They build on each other. They create an atmosphere where sexuality isn’t this isolated thing that only happens behind closed doors, but is woven into the fabric of your relationship.

This is what I mean by eros energy. It’s that aliveness, that spark, that awareness of each other as sexual beings. When you keep things simmering, eros energy is present in your relationship more consistently. Not at a fever pitch – that would be exhausting – but present. Alive. Breathing.

Think about couples you know who seem to have that spark between them. You can feel it when you’re around them. There’s a playfulness, a way they look at each other, a certain energy. That’s often what’s happening – they’re simmering. They’re not completely shut down between sexual encounters. There’s this ongoing, dynamic awareness of each other that makes their relationship feel vibrant.

What Simmering Creates in Your Relationship

When you practice simmering consistently, several things start to shift in your relationship. First, sex becomes less of a Big Deal. When you’re completely shut down between encounters, each sexual experience has to carry enormous weight. It becomes this huge production. But when you’re simmering, sex is just one expression of an ongoing sexual connection. It’s still important, still meaningful, but it’s not carrying the weight of being the only time you acknowledge your sexuality.

Second, you feel more connected to your own desire. This is huge. Many lower desire partners have completely lost touch with their own sexual desire because they’ve trained themselves to shut it down so completely. Simmering helps you stay connected to that part of yourself. You start to recognize your own thoughts, your own interest, your own desire – not just your willingness to respond to your husband’s desire.

Third, it reduces the pressure both of you feel. Your husband isn’t always initiating from a place of wondering if you’ll say yes or feeling like he’s bothering you. You’re not always responding from a place of obligation or feeling like you have to climb a mountain. There’s more flow, more ease, more genuine interaction.

Fourth, and this is important – it makes your sexual relationship more reciprocal. When you’re simmering, you’re more likely to initiate. Not all the time, maybe not even most of the time, but sometimes. And when you do initiate, it’s incredibly meaningful for your husband. He feels wanted, desired, pursued. And for you, it reinforces that you’re not just a passive participant in your sexual relationship – you’re an active contributor.

I worked with a couple, Elena and Jordan, who had been stuck in the shutdown pattern for years. Elena would have sex with Jordan, then completely check out sexually until he initiated again. Jordan felt like he was always the one pursuing, always the one interested, always the one taking the risk of rejection.

When Elena started simmering, everything changed. She didn’t suddenly become the higher desire partner. She didn’t start wanting sex daily. But she started staying connected to herself and to Jordan in a sexual way between encounters. She’d send him a flirty text. She’d put her hand on his leg while they were watching TV. She’d think about their last time together and smile.

And a few times, she actually initiated. Not in a grand, obvious way – just by being receptive to her own desire when it showed up. One night, she was already simmering at about a three, and when Jordan kissed her goodnight, she found herself pulling him closer instead of pulling away. She was as surprised as he was, but it felt good. Natural. Right.

For Jordan, this was transformative. He didn’t feel like he was always begging or convincing anymore. There was a mutuality to their sexual relationship that had been missing. And for Elena, she felt more like herself – more whole, more integrated, more alive in her own body and in her relationship.

Practical Simmering in Real Life

Simmering doesn’t have to be complicated or time-consuming. You’re not adding a new to-do item to your list. You’re just making a small shift in how you relate to your own sexuality and to your husband between sexual encounters.

Maybe it looks like letting yourself appreciate something about your husband each day. His laugh. His competence at something. The way he is with your kids. And occasionally letting that appreciation have a slightly sexual edge to it. Not every time, but sometimes.

Maybe it’s letting yourself remember your last sexual encounter once or twice during the week. Not dwelling on it, not analyzing it, just remembering. Letting it be a pleasant memory instead of something you immediately file away and forget.

Maybe it’s engaging with the small flirtations or touches throughout your day instead of automatically deflecting them. When he touches your waist as he walks by, you lean into it for just a second instead of immediately moving away. When he compliments you, you receive it instead of dismissing it.

Maybe it’s occasionally initiating small moments of physical connection that have a sexual undercurrent. Coming up behind him while he’s doing dishes and wrapping your arms around him. Kissing him in a way that’s a little bit more than just a peck. Running your hand down his arm when you walk past.

The point isn’t to be constantly sexual. The point is to not be completely non-sexual between the times you actually have sex. You’re keeping that pilot light on. You’re maintaining those warm embers. You’re keeping the water warm instead of letting it go completely cold.

And what you’ll likely find is that this actually makes sex easier, not harder. You’ll find that when the time comes, you’re already partly there. You don’t have to manufacture desire from nothing. You don’t have to force yourself through layers of shutdown and disconnection. You’re already connected to yourself and to your husband in that way. You just need to turn up the heat.

Alright my friends, that’s all I have for you today. Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. I’ll see you next week…ba-bye.