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I’ve talked a lot about what makes sex NOT great

• disconnection from the body
• body image issues
• anxiety
• stressing about performance
• distance and distraction
• not being present

But today I want to talk about the three keys to great sex: body, spirit, and mind.

Great sex starts in the body

To have great sex, we first need to understand our body and our partners body.  We need to quit looking to TV, movies, and pornography to tell us how things should look and feel.  We need to actually know and understand how things work and function in our own body.  What our body parts are called and how they are best utilized for our benefit.  We need to know what it takes for us to get aroused and turned on.  What feels good and what doesn’t.  And communicate that to our partner and LISTEN when our partner tells us about them.  We also need to take the time to understand how our partner’s body functions.  Some of us have a hard time knowing our body and don’t take the time to really understand our partners body.  So that is a really important first step.

Second, we need to touch and be touched in the way that we and our partners like most.  The skin is the biggest organ we have.  And learning to touch each other in a way that seduces and arouses is a great skill to learn.   We tend to touch each other in the way that we personally like to be touched, but that often isn’t the best for our partner.  So we need to take the time to learn how they like to be touched.  Many men are either too rough or too gentle.  And there are definitely times for both.  Guys, a good measure to know if you are touching her the right way is if she relaxes into your touch.  If she does, you are doing great.  If she tenses or recoils, then you know that you need to change your methods.

Guys, you want to seduce your wife.  Most of the time that is with a gentle touch.  Come up behind her, gently move her hair off her neck, kiss her softly.  There are definitely times when you are being silly and playful where a slap on the butt or grabbing her from behind might be fun…but you’re going to have more success coming from a gentleness to really seduce her.  Some women like it rougher, and hopefully you’ll listen to her cues of when those times are appropriate.  I know that for men, the penis is the focus, so they think that they should go right for the breasts or the vulva with women.  But most women don’t want that.  They want a slow gentle seduction that warms up the rest of their body first and then move to the genitals.  Moving to the genitals too quick, is a big complaint I hear from many women.  It’s often painful for them, so not sexy and not seductive, if their genitals are touched too soon.  Most women need 18-25 minutes of non-genital touch to get warmed up and ready to have their genitals and breasts touched.  That’s a lot of touching!  But this is normal.  So don’t be comparing women to men in this department.

Sometimes women tend to be too gentle in their touch for their husbands.  So, I think it’s a great idea for both spouses to take the other person’s hand and use it on themselves.   Guide them in HOW you like to be touched so they know.  And you may have to do this over and over so the “get” it.

So, I heard this story about how a male porcupine seduces a female porcupine.  He comes up to her and faces her and looks into her eyes.  Then he starts stroking her face with his little paws.  When he does this, she relaxes and her quills lay down.  This analogy works well for people too.  When our hearts and bodies can relax then we are more open to being aroused.

Erogenous Zones

The word “erogenous” comes from the Greek word Eros meaning  love and the English word genous, meaning producing.  So these zones are the love producing zones.  They are areas of the human body that have heightened sensitivity, which, when stimulated, may create a sexual response such as relaxation, thoughts of sexual fantasies, sexual arousal, and orgasm.

When we talk about erogenous zones, most people immediately think of the obvious body parts such as breasts, nipples, clitoris, G-spot, and penis.  Those areas are definitely more erogeneous than others, just because they amount of nerve endings located in those areas.

However, there are many other areas on our bodies that have less nerve endings but can still be erogenous depending on the way they are touched.  Focusing on these areas first are a good way to help get each other warmed up.

1. The mouth and lips – spend a good amount of time utilizing this erogenous zone.  I’m sure you did a lot of making out back in the day…keep that seduction alive by making it a priority in your love making.
2. The neck – The neck is so sensitive.  A gentle breath or kiss can definitely get your heart racing and shivers up your spine.
3. The feet – reflexology has been used for centuries to stimulate different areas of the body, so massaging and touching different areas of the feet can really heat things up.  The inside and outside of the ankles have nerve endings that correspond with the the vagina, penis, uterus, and prostate so spending time in those areas can be quite tantalizing.  The reflex areas located just below the ankles bones, correspond to the ovaries and testicles.  And the middle/upper part of the soles of the feet respond to the chest and can send waves of sexual energy to the breasts and nipples.
4. The ears – a gentle nibble or sucking on the lobe can tingles up the spine.
5. The small of the back – stimulate with a gentle touch going in circles or even with an ice cube for some added sensation.
6. Inner wrist – try softly kissing and licking here.
7. Scalp – try running fingers through your partners hair.
8. Behind the knees – massage with the fingers or the tongue.
9. Frenulum – this is an elastic band of tissue at the bottom of the head of the penis on the underside if he is flacid.  On a man also the scrotum and testicles, and the prostate are very sensitive and arousing.  Just be careful with the scrotum and testicles as they can be very sensitive.  Definitely take your cue from your partner when stimulating this area.
10. Pereneum – this is a pretty sensitive area on both men and women.  It is the little stretch of skin between the genitals and the anus.  This is a fun spot to use a vibrator on for men.  It stimulates the other side of the prostate which can feel very good for them.  But it often feels good to women as well.

As you can see – there are lots of erogenous zones on both men and women.  This is not a comprehensive list by any means.  You may find other parts of the body that feel great for you or your partner.   It’s just a matter of finding what the erogenous zones are on YOUR partner and yourself and then working those to your advantage.

Once you are all warmed up and aroused, then you can move on to the genitals and bring each other to orgasm.  When you understand your own body and your partners body, then you can create a great sexual experience in the body.

Great Sex comes when we connect with our Spirits

With this one, I am not talking about the Holy Ghost here.  I am talking about how your spirit, your soul, connects with your partner.  So much of great sex is connecting with your partner on deep emotional and intimate levels.  Sex is very vulnerable and in order to create an amazing sex life you have to be willing to be your true self with your partner.  

So many of us don’t feel comfortable with ourselves.  We don’t feel comfortable in our own skin or we know that we aren’t living up to our potential and so we try to hide from ourselves and hide from our spouse.  This will never create a great sexual relationship.

We have to be willing to bear it all (physically and emotionally) for our spouse.  We have to be wiling to be open and vulnerable.  We have to be willing to be seen and known..with all of our faults.  True intimacy comes when both partners are willing to see and admit their undesirable qualities and yet be willing to face them and show them to their partner and have their partner receive all of them.

Being willing to show our true selves to our partner can be difficult and hard when we don’t feel that our marriage is a safe place to do that.  So, that means that we have to be a safe place for our spouse.  To do what we can to create a space of love and acceptance for whatever our partner brings to us.  We can’t create a safe space if our spouse feels like they are being judged or that we don’t accept all of them.

Now, I am in no way saying that we need to accept things in our spouse that go against our own integrity.  But, be willing to see that all of us have flaws and things that we don’t love about ourselves, and accepting your spouse for who they are and choosing to create a great marriage and intimate relationship with them anyway.

Sex is not just a physical act, but a bonding act.  But that bonding can’t take place when we are unwilling to be our true self.

Great sex starts in the brain

If you’ve been listening to me for a while, you know that I am all about the brain.  Your brain is your biggest sex organ.  It is what helps you get in the mood and it’s what helps you build that arousal during sex to bring you to climax.

You need to understand yourself and your partner’s sexual accelerators and brakes.  These are the things that help you get in the mood and things that keep you from getting in the mood.

You need to understand that desire doesn’t just come out of nowhere.  It is a feeling you create for yourself by the way that you are intentionally thinking about your partner and about sex.

When people coach with me, we spend a lot of time figuring out brakes, accelerators, and what creates desire for them specifically.  It’s unique to all of us.

If your thoughts about sex and your spouse, on auto-pilot, are along the lines of

• All he wants is sex, he doesn’t want me
• I’m not in the mood
• I hope he doesn’t bother me about it
• I’ve got too much to do
• I’m too tired
• I’m touched out

Then it’s no wonder why you’re never in the mood.

So many women I talk to say that they aren’t in the mood, but they give in to their husbands because they know “he needs it.”  But, once they are in the act, they really enjoy it.  I think that is a key factor.  Being willing to try knowing you are probably going to like it.  

I always say “Willingness is the entry point and pleasure is the goal.”

If you are genuinely willing to be intimate with your spouse, to have sex, to open yourself up to the possibility of pleasure, then you can have a great experience.

Now, when you are in the act, you also need to engage your brain to stay present with your spouse and your body.

I had one client who felt bad that she needed to go inside her own head and fantasize in order to become aroused enough to reach orgasm.  She felt like she was disengaging from her spouse and she felt bad about what she needed to fantasize about.  We will talk more about fantasy in an upcoming episode, but first I explained to her that this is normal and actually how our brain was created to function.  And second, that when partners can allow the other one to go inside themselves and do what needs to be done to increase their own arousal and then come back to the partnership and expand their sense of self to include the other person, that is true intimacy.  That is what we are really going for.  An expanded sense of self.  That’s what creates great sex.

So, I hope you’ve had some enlightening moments during this podcast.  Maybe take one thing that you can do better to create a better sexual experience with your partner.  Whether that is something with the body, spirit, or mind.  And if you need help with any of these, I invite you to come to a FREE mini-session with me, where we can talk all about what is holding you back from having an amazing sex life and get you on the path to having the intimate relationship with your spouse that you’ve always wanted.