Let’s talk about boredom.  This seems to be a very common theme with many of my clients.  They tell me that sex is boring – they literally get bored during sex.  So I’m excited to talk about it today, because sex is anything but boring.  But it really all depends on your state of mind.

So what is boredom?  According to Google it is an emotion when an individual is left without anything in particular to do, is not interested in their surroundings, or feels that something is dull or tedious.

I love this definition because so many times we just think that boredom happens to us, like any other emotion.  But if you’ve been listening to me for a while you know that emotions don’t just happen.  They come from the way that we are thinking.  So if you are bored in bed, it’s because you are thinking thoughts that make you feel that way.

Now many of my clients say that sex is boring, but I also know they they are not actively engaging in it.  They are just laying there and letting their husband do his thing.  Well if that is happening, then of course that is boring.  To not be bored, you need to be actively engaging in the activity both mentally and physically.  Working for connection and pleasure.  Not just laying there like a dead fish.

Now, if this is what has been happening for a while, it might seem scary to all of the sudden change things up and try to engage.  It can feel very vulnerable.  And this is usually the real cause for the boredom.  You are avoiding uncomfortable feelings.  The brain does this nifty trick of bypassing uncomfortable feelings and going straight to “boredom.”  We tell ourselves we are bored so that we don’t have to feel.

Boredom isn’t pleasant, but it’s often better than the alternative.  It can mask unresolved conflict, power struggles, laundry lists of resentments, physical aftereffects from childbirth, depression, complacency, unsatisfactory birth control, feeling unappreciated, fear of rejection, lack of confidence, or other such vulnerabilities.  None of those feel good, so our brain goes to boredom.

So, if you are experiencing sexual boredom, you might want to examine things more closely.  Become aware of what you are truly thinking and feeling.  And instead of trying to escape it, be willing to face it.  Breathe into it.  Be honest with yourself.  Be in integrity with yourself.

Boredom is a cue to grow yourself emotionally and relationally.  To step into the emotional unknown and take a risk.  Have the uncomfortable conversation that you need things to be different.  Challenge yourself to open up and be vulnerable and risk uncomfortable emotions.  Boredom is often the canary in the coal mine.  It’s telling you that you are shutting yourself off from the emotional connection you could be having with your spouse.  Why?  Explore that.

So, how do you explore that?  How do you open yourself up to trying new things?  To connect on every level?  It is hard.  But it’s a matter of facing your fears and truly understanding what is holding you back.  It’s a matter of exploring and trying new things.

Women often tell me they don’t know how to vocalize what it is they want to try.  They are afraid that their husband might find them weird or unattractive.  This is actually one of the biggest reasons for lack of desire.  When women lose their voice due to obligation or performance.

But this is where true intimacy is built.  By being open and vulnerable and sharing the innermost parts of you.  Being willing to be open to rejection.  Through finding your voice again, that is where desire comes back and boredom is gone.  Because chances are, if you do open up, your spouse is actually going to LOVE it.  They want you to be fully open and engage with them.  To tell them what you want, what you like.  They would do any thing to please you, if you would just tell them.

I have a lot of women tell me that their spouse is always suggesting new things to try to spice things up.  It seems they are suggesting riskier and riskier things, which doesn’t sound appealing.  But what they are really trying to do is just spark some sort of interest in you.  That maybe you will find something appealing because they want you to enjoy it as much as they do.  They are willing to do whatever it takes to make you happy and enjoy it.  They don’t want you to be bored.

Often women tell me they have no idea what to do.  They don’t know what they like.  And of course you don’t, if you aren’t actively trying to figure it out.  You haven’t allowed yourself to really explore this part of yourself.  You’ve suppressed it for so long, so it seems scary to actually start thinking about what it is you want.  But this is an essential piece in figuring out and developing your erotic self.  I’m going to refer you back to a couple of other episodes to help you figure this out.  Episode 92 – Discovering What Turns You On and Episode 106 – Expanding Your Sexual Palette.  Both of these episodes have worksheets that go along with them to help you figure it out.

The bedroom is where adults get to be playful.  To use their imaginations.  This is the grownup version of pretend.  This is where fantasy and eroticism come into play.  Thinking about what would be fun, exciting, enticing, and erotic.  Practice  letting your mind go there.  When you were dating and engaged, what did you imagine sex would look like?  What things enticed you then?  What have you seen in a movie or read in a book that got your heart pumping?

I guarantee that the reason you are bored is because you’ve lost sight of what sex is really supposed to be.  It’s not about giving him an orgasm.  It’s not a chore.  It’s not something he *needs* and you tolerate.  It’s not something you do to be “the good wife.” At least it’s not supposed to be any of those things.  It’s supposed to be something that connects the two of you.  It’s where you find pleasure and enjoyment in your own and each other’s bodies.  It’s something that is supposed to draw you closer together, not further apart.

So, here are my 4 suggestions to prevent boredom in the bedroom.

1. Remind yourself why you’re doing this.  What is your why?  
2. Put forth effort for what you want to do.  And you need to take the time to figure out what that is.
3. Try something new.  Our brains love novelty.  It’s new and exciting.  What could be new and different that you might enjoy?
4. Focus on pleasure and connection.  Giving AND receiving.  Now, if you are having trouble with any of this, I want to invite you into my group coaching program.  This is where we take all of this and apply it.  I help you figure out what is really holding you back and what you need to do to move forward.  For more information go to AmandaLouder.com/groups