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Last week a woman reached out to me on Instagram wondering about how she and her husband can keep their sex life going while he is away for 3-1/2 months for an internship.  I also currently have a few clients where one partner travels quite often for work and for long periods of time. I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to talk about how to stay sexually connected even when you’re apart for short or long periods of time.  Whether it’s due to work, travel, or other commitments, keeping the flames of intimacy alive is essential for a healthy and fulfilling relationship. I love it that these couples want to keep this part of their marriage alive.

To begin, let’s explore why it’s crucial for married couples to prioritize their sexual connection when they’re apart. The phrase “absence makes the heart grow fonder” rings true, but it can also make the desire for intimacy stronger.  It’s not just about physical pleasure; it’s about emotional connection, trust, and bonding. When you neglect the sexual aspect of your relationship, you risk drifting apart emotionally as well.

Secondly, the absence of sexual connection can lead to frustration, dissatisfaction, and loneliness. This can manifest as increased stress and conflict within the relationship, ultimately affecting your overall happiness.  It can also lead to the higher likelihood of infidelity.  When couples feel neglected or unfulfilled, they may seek intimacy elsewhere. But focusing on your sexual connection helps combat these emotions, ensuring you both feel cherished and desired. 

Third, is trust and commitment. Prioritizing your sexual connection when apart reinforces your commitment to each other and builds trust. It signifies that, even when circumstances keep you apart, you’re dedicated to nurturing and preserving your relationship. Trust is often strengthened when partners can rely on each other, even in times of physical separation.

So, what are the potential consequences when couples neglect their sexual connection during periods of separation? These consequences can be more damaging than you might think:

1. Emotional Distancing: The lack of intimacy can create emotional distance between partners. You might begin to feel like strangers or roommates rather than lovers. This emotional distancing can make it significantly more challenging to reconnect emotionally when you are finally back together.

2. Resentment: Over time, one or both partners may start to feel resentful about the lack of physical closeness. These negative feelings can seep into other aspects of the relationship, leading to arguments, frustration, and overall unhappiness. It’s essential to address and prevent this resentment from taking root.

3. Declining Sex Life: Neglecting your sexual connection can lead to a declining sex life, making it even more challenging to reignite the spark when you finally reunite. The longer you go without physical intimacy, the more your sexual desire can diminish, which can result in performance issues and difficulties when you are together again.

Moving forward, let’s delve into some practical strategies and detailed examples of how married couples can maintain their sexual connection when they’re apart:

1 Open Communication: Communication is paramount in any relationship, and it’s especially critical when you’re separated. Share your desires, fantasies, and feelings openly with your partner, even when you can’t be together physically. Use texts, calls, or video chats for this purpose. Expressing your longing and desire can help maintain a sense of intimacy.  Knowing your partner is thinking about you can help maintain a sense of closeness. And make sure that you are sincere in your communication.  If it gets boring and stale or you are just discussing the “business” of marriage, that won’t do much for your connection.  Find ways to be loving and sweet.  Message them like they are there with you.  Talk to them like they are sitting next to you.  But make sure you do it from the heart.

2 Sexting and Video Calls: Embrace technology by engaging in sexting or intimate video calls. These digital tools can help bridge the physical gap and maintain a sense of connection. Use your imagination to create excitement and anticipation in your messages or video chats. One of the most effective ways to maintain connection is using your imagination.  Teasing your partner with sexy photos and texts can get you both in the mood.  And then once you are chatting, be vocal.  Use your words to describe what you are wearing and what you are feeling.  A little moan can definitely go a long way.  You can get as creative as you want.  You can even do it in the dark if you are more comfortable with this at first.  I love the Just Between Us App to share sexy texts, photos, and videos with your partner.  It’s encrypted on both ends, so your photos and videos stay safe and won’t end up on the web somewhere.

3 Plan Visits: If feasible, plan regular visits or vacations together. These anticipated reunions can be moments of intense physical intimacy and emotional bonding. Knowing when you will see each other again can give you both something to look forward to.  I have heard of some really funny and creative ways couples who get “one night together” every few months make it work.

4 Sexual Fantasy: Share your deepest sexual fantasies and desires with your partner. This level of vulnerability and openness can create anticipation and excitement, keeping the passion alive even when you’re apart. You can also engage in erotic storytelling, where you take turns creating steamy stories to share with each other.  You can do this out loud or in an email going back and forth as you build your story together.  Also talking about the things you were shy to talk about when you were together or afraid to say out loud can be really fun and connecting.

5 Creative Use of Toys: Explore the use of sexual toys, especially those that can be controlled remotely. These toys can bring a sense of physical closeness, even from afar. Nothing is going to replace your partner actually being there.  But using toys as your partner is talking to you on the phone or video, can help you experience the physical sensations you are missing.

6 Surprise Gifts: Surprise your partner with thoughtful and intimate gifts, such as sexy lingerie or sensual massage oils. These tokens of desire can remind them of your passion and make them feel cherished. The element of surprise can add excitement to your relationship.  There’s nothing like getting a sexy gift in the mail that reminds you that your spouse desires you and can’t wait to be with you again.

7 Set Intimacy Goals: In long distance relationships, goals are the most important part.  You need to set goals for every time you can be with each other either virtually in person and also what you want for your messages.  There is the day to day of marriage and family.  The “business” part of marriage.  And keeping your partner apprised of all that is going on is important.  But making sure you spend time on the intimacy part too.  Often when I am coaching couples on this, I will tell them to discuss the business in texts and reserve their phone calls for actual connection.  I also love the idea of having questions for each other that create more intimacy.  You can find lots of questions online or I really like the book by Marriage 365 called 365 Connecting Questions for Couples.  Even if you don’t do it every day, pick questions, think of your answers, and discuss with one another.

8 Reminisce: It’s always fun to talk about what you want to do when you are back together, but you can also reminisce on the past.  Talking about when you met, when you dated, and even relive some of the best nights of sex you’ve had in the past can keep those feelings alive and bring you back together after time apart.

9 Create a sex bucket list: Discuss things you want to do together when you are back together.  Whether it is things you know you already love or trying something new, it’s fun to discuss ideas and why you want to try them with each other.

10 Read a relationship or sex book: Buy 2 copies (physical or virtual) and read a book together or even separately and then discuss.  I have a variety of books that you may like on my resources page on my website.

11 Mindfulness and Meditation: Invest time in mindfulness and meditation practices. These techniques help you stay in tune with your own desires and maintain a healthy relationship with your own sexuality. They can also reduce stress and anxiety related to being apart from your partner.

It’s absolutely possible to maintain a strong sexual connection with your spouse even when you’re physically separated. Neglecting this aspect of your relationship can have profound consequences, but with open communication, creativity, and a deep commitment to each other, you can keep the flames of passion burning brightly.

Remember, absence doesn’t have to lead to a lack of intimacy. In fact, it can be an opportunity to explore new aspects of your sexual connection and deepen your emotional bond.

Thank you for joining me today. If you found this episode helpful, please subscribe and share it with others who might benefit. And, as always, feel free to reach out with your questions or topic suggestions for future episodes. Until next time, remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected. Goodbye for now.