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Last week we talked about the five mistakes women make in bed…and this week we are going to talk about the mistakes men make.

No one wants to think about the mistakes they make.  It feels very vulnerable and scary so we often shy away from doing things that could make our sex life even better because we are afraid of making a mistake.  Yet, men, just being themselves (just like women) often make mistakes.  There are things that if they thought differently, they could probably do better.  Now, a lot of times it’s hard for men to admit that they could be better in bed.  That there are things they could learn.  And often, in our society, we are conditioned to think that men are the sexual ones and they should just know what to do, but the truth is they don’t.  Sex is a skill that they need to learn, just like women.   So that is what we are doing today.  Helping educate men on what is going to make things better for both them and their wife.

Men think that their wife’s low desire means that he is not desirable or attractive

It is the fantasy that once you are married and allowed to have sex, that you both are going to want it all the time.  And that just isn’t reality.  There is always a higher desire partner and lower desire partner.  And, about 60% of the time, the woman is the lower desire partner.  

Often, men think that her low desire means that she is not attracted to him and doesn’t desire him.  This makes complete sense to them because men often think that the only reason why they wouldn’t want to have sex with their wife anymore is if they weren’t attracted to her.  So they think the opposite must also be true, but it usually isn’t.   In fact, I’d say it isn’t true in most cases.  

In any committed relationship, we want to feel desired.  This is a basic human need.  And if he doesn’t feel desired it can often lead to him shutting down and pulling away from the sexual relationship.  No one likes to be rejected over and over, so it makes sense. 

So how do we get out of this downward spiral.  He needs to think about it differently.  If he did, the outcome would probably be different.  But so often, we don’t even realize that it is an option to think differently.  We react to the situation instead of thinking about all the different options and responding in a way that helps the relationship, rather than hurt it.  

Here is what I mean.  If she’s not in the mood, instead of taking it as a personal rejection or thinking she isn’t attracted to you or doesn’t desire you, don’t take it personally.  She just doesn’t desire SEX right now.  There are so many different reasons why she may not feel like sex, but probably pretty far down the list, if it’s on there at all, is her attraction level to you.

Now, if you are acting needy, using sex to feel validated in the relationship, pouting, whining, or cajoling her to get sex, that is NOT attractive and that will shut down her desire for it.  That still doesn’t mean she isn’t attracted to you overall.  She just isn’t isn’t in that moment because of your behavior and attitude.

Getting Frustrated That She Doesn’t Get Aroused As Easily

Women don’t work like men.  She is not broken just because she doesn’t have the drive and that desire like you do.  It takes a lot of time and energy for women to be in the mood, to get aroused, and eventually to have an orgasm.  Men typically take 5-8 minutes.  Women it can be 40-60 minutes.  Sometimes longer.  

We get it, it can be frustrating that her brain and her body don’t work like yours.  You getting frustrated at her lack of libido or how long it takes doesn’t help things.  It doesn’t make it speed up.  It doesn’t make her want to even try.  It usually slows her down or shuts her down completely.

The best thing you can do is just say “I’ll take as much time and give you whatever you need.” Now, that needs to be genuine.  If she thinks it’s not, then it’s not going to work.  But if you can truly be ok with however long it takes and whatever it takes, then that will help.  Embrace the difference.  Embrace the ride.

And it’s not because she doesn’t want to.  It’s really physiological.  Men are fueled by testosterone.  That’s what makes you want sex all the time.  Men typically have about 1000 anagrams per deciliter.  Women at the age of 18 have 76.  And by 40 we have half that.  So it makes sense that we don’t have the drive and things don’t work the same as a man.

Men think their performance is what makes a good sexual encounter

Men tend to be more performance based.  So they want to use the techniques, the ACTIONS that are going to drive their wife wild.  The actions that are going to make their wife want them and desire them and actually love sex.  But what is actually going to make them better in bed is not the techniques or the actions, but being attentive to their wives wants and needs instead of their own.

Now, there are two aspects of the “performance” to consider

1. Her orgasm
2. His orgasm

First, let’s talk about her orgasm.  Men often think that as long as she orgasms, he’s done a good job.  It’s the best sex ever as long as she has an orgasm.  I know of many, many men who work hard to help their wife have an orgasm.  They take personal responsibility for it.  But guess what guys, she can have an orgasm and still not love the sex.  She can not orgasm and love it.  And her orgasm isn’t your responsibility.  It’s hers.  Now definitely make sure she has what she needs to get it (if she wants it).  Don’t just leave her high and dry.  Support her, love her, touch her, kiss her, do whatever she needs to get it.  But don’t just think that if she has one, it’s the best sex ever.

The other side of it is his performance and his orgasm.  Men often think about sex according to their performance.  His erection, how hard he is, how long he lasts, how long he can keep his erection.  His physiological performance.

What is being discounted in both of these scenarios in the connection piece.  Attentiveness on her and what she needs and being attuned to what that is.  How she moves, what she says, how she responds, what she needs.  It really is the difference between having sex and making love.

Now, sometimes a quickie is fine and for both it’s about the sexual release more than it is about the connection.  But both partners need to be on the same page about that.  If one partner wants a quickie and the other one wants to make love in an hour long session, you’re probably going to encounter problems.  So being on the same page is a really good idea.  It really is about connection, not an orgasm or a performance.

Moving too quickly

This is a complaint I hear from women pretty much every day in my coaching practice.  If you listened to Episode 137 – The 5 gears of touch a few weeks ago, we talked a lot about this.  Men are often further up the arousal scale and ready for more and so they touch their wife, according to where they are on that arousal scale.   They want her to be right there with him.  So the woman is standing in the kitchen, trying to get dinner ready and he grabs her butt or her boobs or bumps her with his erection.   He thinks it’s playful and fun and she thinks it’s invasive.  I know very few women who actually like this.   Or if they are in bed, he goes straight for the genitals rather than taking his time to warm her up.  And I get why men do this.  They would probably LOVE for her to do this to him.  But guys, she isn’t there.  Her mind doesn’t work like that.  Her body doesn’t work like that.  She is different than you.  Touching her before she is ready is often a turn off, not a turn on.  Touching her genitals before she is really aroused does as much for her as touching her elbow.  And, it can even be painful.

So where do you start?  You start in Gear 1 – affectionate touch.  A gentle kiss.  A hug.  Holding hands.  Think back to the very beginning days of your relationship.  That is where any sexual encounter needs to begin.  It is your job to help bring her up to where you are, not expect her to already be there. And don’t be affectionate just when you want sex (which I know is quite often).  Be affectionate at other times too.  I hear from many women that they know their spouse wants sex anytime he touches her, so it repels her.  When she feels like something is expected of her or she has to take care of you, this is a turn off.  So be affectionate and let her know that you aren’t expecting sex.  You just want her to know she is loved.  

You also need to figure out if your partner likes touch or if they like words.  You might be a touchy-feely guy and she might like words more than touch.  So again, meet her where she is instead of expecting her to be where you are.

Stimulating her vagina instead of her clitoris

For men, intercourse is it! It’s the big event.  It’s what they want and crave and what feels the best.  So they think that the vagina is this magical place that is going to feel just as good for her as it does for him.  And when I say vagina, I’m talking about the actual vaginal canal.  Not the vulva.  Not the external part that you see.  But stimulation in the vagina doesn’t actually do much for most women.  Why? Because we don’t have a lot of nerve endings in there because that is where babies come out.  And if there were nerve endings in there, giving birth would be an even more excruciating experience than it already is.

The majority of the pleasure and feeling for most women is the clitoris.  And again, don’t touch it too quickly either.  She needs time to warm up to even want to be touched there.  But once she does, that’s where you want to go. Teasing the area without directly touching or rubbing at first is a great way to help warm her up. Coming close and not really touching. But then both parties need to better communicate about how she likes to be touched there and what works and what doesn’t. Communication is key here. Communication will often negate many of the mistakes. Be kind, but be direct. 

Ok, so let’s summarize.  The five mistakes men make in bed are

1. They think that their wife’s low desire means that he is not desirable or attractive
2. They get frustrated that she doesn’t get aroused as easily
3. They think that their performance means a great sexual encounter
4. They move too quickly
5. They stimulate her vagina instead of her clitoris

So what is the conclusion.  That women are very different from men.  They think differently, they feel differently, they need different things.  And if you want sex, and want it more often, then you need to figure out how she ticks rather than just being frustrated that she isn’t like you.

Now I know that there are many men out there who wish their wives would talk to them, would be open to sex at all.  And I feel for you, I really do.  But the majority of women I see in my coaching practice have husbands who are so frustrated because she isn’t like him and think she’s broken and think she just needs to be fixed.  She’s most likely never going to be like you because men and women are different.  But if you can understand where she is coming from and how to work WITH her instead of against her, you are both probably going to be a lot more satisfied.