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Welcome! I’m so excited to have you listening to the podcast today. I just wanted to introduce myself to those of you who are new and maybe listening for the first time. I’m Amanda Louder. I’m a Certified Sex & Marriage Coach. Primarily I work with women who are unhappy and unsatisfied in their sex lives. They feel like they are never in the mood, but they want sex to be an exciting and vital part of their lives. I help them fully embrace their sexuality and LOVE their sex life. In addition to working with women, I also work with men and couples. I help them work on every aspect of themselves and their relationships. I help men with pornography issues. I help women who have pain with sex. There are so many aspects of sex and marriage, and they kind of all go together. I help you figure out the disconnect from what you want and what you have. So that is what we do in coaching. With this podcast, I’m mostly focused on helping women love their sex life and helping them learn about their bodies and helping them figure out how to have better sex and better relationships. I LOVE my job. 

With my job, I also hear a lot of complaints from women. Things that they wish their husbands were doing better or differently. So, that is why I decided to do this episode, specifically for husbands. So ladies, share this episode with your husband. And guys – this is absolutely NOT going to be a bash session where I tell you everything you are doing wrong. This is a way for you to hear from women and what they are generally saying and maybe time for you to have some introspection about how you can personally improve in some of these areas. This podcast is all about how we can personally improve to make our relationships better. I’ve spent episode after episode telling women how they can improve. The truth is, ALL OF US can make changes to make things better. We are all imperfect here. We are all human. So let’s not take any of this personally. We don’t need to make things mean we are a horrible spouse or lover. I genuinely believe we are all doing the best we can, but when we know better, we can do better. 

And by the way, guys, I want to hear from YOU too! I want to do an episode, piggybacking off of this one, of what YOU wish your wives knew. So, if you are willing to contribute to that episode and let me know some things you wish your wife knew about you and sex, please send me an email at podcast@amandaloudercoaching.com. All submissions are kept anonymous. And if I get enough submissions, then I will do a whole episode about it.

I want this episode to be a jumping-off point to have some conversations with your spouse. Some of the best feedback I have gotten from listeners is that they can learn new things here on the podcast and then have conversations with their spouse that make things better for everyone. 

Today’s lesson 

Alright, let’s get started. I asked my listeners, as well as asking women in a few Facebook groups I am in, what they wished their husbands knew about them and sex. What were they afraid or nervous to tell him? Or what are things that have said to them, but they just aren’t getting. And these were the responses. I’ve broken them down into some categories just to make things a bit easier. Now again, not all of these responses apply to every single woman. Some are quite contradictory, so that is why it is so important to have conversations about things.

Hygiene

Let’s start with hygiene. Guys, your wives are affected by smells. They would so appreciate it if you would take the time to make sure you have good breath and smell good. If you want sex, please, brush your teeth. And if you are sweaty or stink from working out in the yard, or playing sports, take a shower. 

Most women would also appreciate some grooming or manscaping. You are a lot more likely to get oral if there isn’t a lot of hair in the way, and things are nice and clean.

Outside the Bedroom

She knows and understands that you’ve had a full day, and you work hard, and sometimes you need some time to decompress when you get home. But so does she. So if you want some sexy time, it helps lighten her physical and emotional load when you step in and help with the kids, dinner, and cleaning up. Also, giving her some alone time is HUGE!!!!

Women are very much affected by their to-do lists. We aren’t as good as compartmentalizing as men are. So when there are dishes in the sink and lunches to be made, the last thing on her mind is sex. Chore-play is very much a real thing. When you are kind and helpful with the kids and with things around the house, removing some of the items on her plate, she can get in the mood easier. It’s a turn on.

Telling your wife, and showing her, how beautiful she is and how much you love her OUTSIDE of the bedroom (and not with the intent of getting her to have sex with you) lets her know that you are deeply in love with her and it makes it easier for her to get in the mood and perform in the bedroom.

Wives want and need to feel loved and desired. And not just for her body. She wants to feel it heart, mind, soul, AND BODY! 

She wants to be chased and romanced. Think about the efforts you made when you were dating. She knows it’s not going to be every day, but would love to see you make efforts. When you make little efforts throughout the day, with a text or a kind word, it helps her want sex later. Your words are powerful.

Connection

Connection is essential. Your wife knows that the way you probably feel best connected is with sex. But she needs connection BEFORE sex. That means talking. Please get off of your phone and off the video games or TV and talk to her – with eye contact. She wants to have conversations with you. She wants to know what the best part of your day was and what was the hardest. She wants to talk to you; about why you feel shut down or why you feel you aren’t getting enough. She enjoys problem-solving with you.

Studies show that talking and connecting for 20 minutes a day is essential in good marriages.

By talking and connecting, it helps her get out of mom-brain and into sexy-wife mode.

If there is an issue going on in the marriage, sex isn’t going to help her “get over it.” It needs to be dealt with beforehand.

And by the way, the beginning of the next sexual encounter is right after the last one ended. So that means that connection needs to happen after sex too. Don’t jump up and put your underwear back on. Don’t just turn over and fall asleep (even though we know you really want to). Take the time to talk and cuddle naked and connect. You’ll get more sex if you are better at the post-connection piece.

Bodies

Let us know how much you love her body. She is trying to love it too, but it’s not always easy for her.

It feels good for her to know that you love her body, but she doesn’t always want it grabbed and touched.

Being “touched out” is a very real thing. If your wife has babies or little kids climbing on her all day, usually the last thing she wants is someone else touching her without her consent.

A romantic touch is very different than grabbing our boobs or butt. Think about the way you used to touch her before you were married and try to do more of that. Ask if you can touch her.

Context is everything. There are ways she likes to be touched during intimate moments, but doesn’t necessarily want to be touched like that while she is making dinner. 

Your wife knows you want her to look good and take care of herself, so a lot of times if you are working on being physically fit, she will do the same. But be patient. Sometimes with the kids, she just can’t.

Speaking of bodies – she really appreciates when you put effort into yours. 

Just an FYI – women typically aren’t attracted to the penis itself, so showing it off and dancing around naked won’t do it for most women. Some women love it, though. But one thing that absolutely doesn’t matter – SIZE! We don’t care about how big it is. It’s what you do with it that matters.

Foreplay

Alright, let’s move into the bedroom. The most common response I got from women is that they need more foreplay. Foreplay matters! It typically takes women around 20 minutes of non-genital touch for their bodies to be ready for more touching. Foreplay is talking, connecting, kissing, touching other areas of her body. This is IMPORTANT! It is NOT a waste of time. It’s what gets her in the mood and aroused. It’s what helps her build that connection with you. It’s what helps her feel close to you.

Yes, she knows it often takes a long time. Please don’t try to make her feel guilty about that; it’s just the way her body works.

Speaking of Foreplay – did you know that Valentine’s Day is in 2 weeks?  It’s time to start planning.  Guys, your wife would absolutely love it if you would take the initiative and plan Valentine’s Day.  Talk about FOREPLAY!  Get a babysitter, make a dinner reservation, order flowers, maybe order her some lingerie or a nice outfit that you think she would look beautiful in.  You could even order her a new vibrator to spice things up that night.  Don’t leave it to the last minute. I’m give you a 2-week head start.  Take advantage of this.  If you need some ideas, you can look on the resources page of my website for my favorite vibrators and lingerie stores that are tasteful and model-free! Mentionables is giving my listeners 10% off until Valentine’s Day with the code Amanda10.

I’m also about to start my 14-day love challenge leading up to Valentine’s.  If you want an email sent directly to your inbox every day with reminders of something little you can do for your spouse that day, you can sign up for it here.  

Intercourse

I hate to tell you guys, but intercourse doesn’t do it for most women. I know it’s what feels the absolute best for you. But that is NOT what is most important to women. Let’s think about this logically for a minute. You have about 4,000 nerve endings in your penis. When you are having intercourse, all of those nerve endings are being stimulated at the same time, which is why it feels so darn good. Women don’t have many nerve endings in their vagina. Do you know why? Because that is where babies typically come out. And if there were nerve endings in there, it would hurt a lot worse than it already does. We will talk more about where to focus your efforts in a minute, but just know that intercourse is not the main event for most women. We are happy to have that be your main event, though. But we typically don’t want you to last more than a few minutes, especially if you have to slow down or do less to last longer.

Sex is not finished when you finish. You need to help her finish too, in the way that SHE wants. 

It’s all about the Clit!

Let’s talk about where to focus your efforts. Women have a clitoris. It is a sexual organ that’s sole function is pleasure. Remember how your penis has 4,000 nerve endings?  Well the clitoris has double that!  If touched too soon, it can be painful, which is why foreplay is so important. Things have to get warmed up. What you can see is just the head of the clitoris. It’s a very small portion. Most of the clitoris is internal, and you can’t see it. But, it can be stimulated by touching the labia and all around the vulva. The vulva and labia are great places to start to get the blood flowing so that the head of the clitoris will get engorged and be ready to be stimulated. 

Most women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. But precisely what they need is different for every woman. What they need to become physically aroused can be different every single time. And it’s quite unpredictable. Sometimes your wife will know exactly what she wants and needs, and sometimes she doesn’t. So, the best thing you can do is LISTEN!!! Let her guide you. Follow her exact directions.

If your wife says, “don’t stop,” this is not your cue to try something else, to go faster, slower, or stop altogether. If she says, “don’t stop,” that means keep going exactly as you are!

When you can tell she is getting close to orgasm, even if she doesn’t say anything, don’t stop or change what you are doing. Stopping and restarting usually kills it! And women make noises when it feels good – which doesn’t necessarily mean that they are close to or having an orgasm. So don’t stop just because you think she got there. Wait for her to tell you.

Don’t get insecure if she wants or needs to use a vibrator. Just like you like power tools for some jobs, so does she. She can often orgasm faster and sometimes better with the right tool. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t want or need you. It doesn’t mean you are inadequate in any way. Power tools are just sometimes better for the job, and that is ok. Be there for her in other ways while she does what she needs to to get the orgasm.

Nipple play helps with arousal and orgasm so much for most women. Ask her if she’s good with that. Some women like to be spanked. Pain leads to pleasure. For others, spanking is demeaning. Some women like it rough, and some REALLY don’t. So it’s all about communication.

Even if there are things you’ve done in the past that she liked, that doesn’t necessarily permit you to do them again without asking for consent. No means no, even when you’re married.

Women’s orgasms are incredible. She may want to go before you go, or she may want to go after. Or she may want both. And sometimes, she may not want to orgasm at all. I know that may sound crazy to you, but it’s true. Sometimes the orgasm isn’t worth the effort, and sometimes it just won’t come. And sometimes, just bonding and being together and pleasure is enough. Be ok with that. Be ok with any of it. Before, after, both, or neither. If she says she’s good, then she’s good. Again, this is NOT a reflection of you as a lover. She would much rather be honest with you that she’s good than fake it to try and protect your ego. And believe me, it happens all the time.

Guys, I’m sorry to say this, but many of you take things way too personal. And I get it; we do as women sometimes too. Sometimes she just doesn’t want an orgasm, and that’s ok. Sometimes she’s just not in the mood, or she’s too tired or touched out. It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love you. It doesn’t mean that she’s not attracted to you. It really has nothing to do with you. It just about her and how she is feeling. Be ok with that.

The desire for sex ebbs and flows, especially in the childbearing years with pregnancy, postpartum, and nursing. Things are continually changing. Be understanding of that. Be understanding when she says her boobs are off-limits while she’s nursing. Be understanding when she’s too tired because she was up all night again with the baby. Sometimes sex isn’t the priority. And she knows that it is for you and she is trying. 

From my experience, working with so many women and couples is that the best thing is to create a relationship environment where both partners can give pleasure and be fulfilled in the way that is best FOR THEM. And the way this happens is good communication. Create a safe space for your partner to be able to talk to about what she wants and doesn’t want. I hear from a lot of women that when they try to communicate, if it’s not want their husband wants to hear, he shuts down. He sulks. He pouts. Sometimes he gets angry. That is not creating a safe environment for communication. That is not creating the kind of marriage I think you truly want.

And I get it. When we want something, and it doesn’t happen, it’s disappointing. But too many times we, as humans, not just men or husbands, but wives do this too, when our spouse doesn’t behave in the way that we want them to or think they should, we make it mean all sorts of things about us; that we aren’t good enough or attractive enough. Or we make it mean all kinds of things about them; that they don’t love us or care about us. And really, it doesn’t mean that all. It just means “not tonight” or “I’m tired” or “I need to be taken care of in a different way.”

Miscellaneous

For this last part, I wanted to just fill you in on a few other things that the women said that didn’t really fit in a bigger category.

• Most women like their husbands to take charge. Boss them around. They are bossing around kids all day. It’s fun for them to be bossed around sometimes. They also like it when you offer suggestions on positions and fantasies. Don’t make them be in charge all the time or be the creative ones.
• If she has pain with intercourse, it is NOT ok for her to push through the pain. Pushing through the pain cements in her mind that sex is painful. If she is experiencing pain, she needs to see a doctor to find the cause and probably see me to help with the mental part.
• If you (as the man) are the lower desire partner, you need to initiate every once in a while. Don’t always make it her job. She wants to feel like you desire her.
• If you break her trust, sex probably isn’t going to happen.
• Many women have differing views on period sex. For some, it’s an absolute no. For others, it’s an absolute yes. Some women’s drives are higher while they are menstruating. She understands if you don’t want to do oral on her during that time, but other things are totally possible. Put down a towel and let her bleed free or there are great period discs that stop the flow and it’s still possible to have intercourse. There are link to them on the resources page on my website.

Ok, that was a lot of information to take in. Hopefully, you got some great insight into your wife and women in general. The key is to find out what YOUR wife likes, wants, and needs. She may feel completely different from the views I expressed in this podcast. So communication is key. And it’s also good to know that there is no “normal.” We are all normal. We are all the same in that we are all different. So I hope that this podcast can spark some great talks between the two of you and help you open up some lines of communication on some things that were maybe hard to discuss before.

If from listening to this podcast, you can see some areas where you haven’t been doing a great job, it’s ok! No need to get down on yourself for it. Just do better now that you know better. I’ve created a free worksheet that you can download to help you think about some ways that you can love and support your wife better and how to get you more of what you want.

If you are having trouble discussing any of these issues, please come see me and I can help you work through them in a safe and productive way.

And don’t forget, I want to know what you want your wives to know about you and sex. Now that you’ve heard all the things the wives had to say, it’s time to hear from the husbands. So email me at podcast@amandaloudercoaching.com or send me a DM or Instagram or Facebook. I would LOVE to put together an episode like this for wives so that we can improve in the areas that you want most and understand you better.